Looking back over the last decade or more of my life I keep wondering, as many do, where did I go wrong? What were the decisions along the way that led to today’s circumstances? What could I have done differently? Useless questions because it changes nothing. Perhaps, just perhaps, in ruminating over all those years there is a common thread there that could change my trajectory. Stop the mad spinning merry-go-round that seems to be my life.

Somehow in my life as far back as I can remember that restless spirit has always been there…always searching…but never seeming to find what my heart longs for….Acceptance and true meaning to feel whole, and in that, validated that I am good enough or worthy enough to really matter to anyone, but within that, needing to matter to myself. Therein lies the bigger picture …how do we, as the collective whole, realize we need to matter to ourselves most of all.

Being told as a child to think of yourself first was selfish and vain. Now we know that self care is essential to live to your fullest potential. With all that said trying to accept myself just as I am with all my shortcomings has to be a priority for survival. How to do that…well…a different story….a definite work in progress.

One thing I know without pause is, God loves me in spite of me. To that I will hold and cling to tightly. The radio head in my car has grown a mind of its own shutting down then opening back on very random stations. One particular morning recently it popped up on Joel Osteen (there’s a positive attitude if ever there was one) and he was speaking on “Loving Yourself”. Coincidence, guessing not…. His words were definitely validating what in my head I know…but my emotional self struggles to maintain. Ohhh, that we all could take pause and truly grasp how significant we really are to one another. How very necessary each of us is to our families and friends.

In those moments, in this journey, when life makes zero sense…take a beat…breathe…remember the God who created the universe loves you and even though it may not feel like it, at the time, there are others that love and need you as well. Trying to practice that on a daily basis here…some days I get it….others …well…those days I eat an Oreo McFlurry. 🤦‍♀️ what can I say…life is short…eat the ice cream…and believe in YOU❤️❤️

As a small child I remember hearing the doves cooing, mostly on early summer evenings. With all the raucous chirping of the other birds I found their song somewhat haunting and sad. Their song always made me feel a bit disconcerted. It was as if they were in mourning. As night drew in at times the owl, somewhere in the distance, joined in the lament. Perhaps it was the day ending with the setting of the sun that made them feel sad. Thus are the ponderings of a small child.

Now that I am older and have endured some life traumas I find their songs calming. When I am searching for just a moment of respite from the chaos in my life I find myself listening for their subtle song,..that sweet perfect cooing. Just for that moment I can stop and breathe. Occasionally an owl joins the chorus. It still seems melancholy but now rather than sounding sad it soothes the achings of my heart. My sweet gentle doves that are singing their songs…songs that are present and in this moment…zen..calm…in this moment nothing else surfaces or matters…peaceful bliss…a few minutes to just be…

Life’s journey can be so exhausting at times. On gentle summer evenings…stop…listen…the doves are there singing to you to be still…calling to you to practice and follow their lead…to drown out the other incessant chirpings of life and “Just Be”.🪷🪷🪷

Sitting out here on the dock that calming feeling starts to take hold.

Negative ions from the moving water enter through breathing them in and penetrating our skin. When they hit the blood stream biochemically they produce serotonin. There it is…breathing in deeply by the water and letting the ions do their work.

Breathe in the calm …exhale the toxic thoughts and energies.

Beyond stressful days have left me exhausted with it all but out here I can breathe in a moment of peace. My zen place. Nothing in my chaotic world has changed for the better. In fact it has gotten worse. Back to that feeling of, “Why am I here again?” There are no answers at this point so another minute at a time…one step at a time…not even a day at a time … just the next deep breath.

Just hanging out here feeling the negative ions and letting them do their thing. One more minute. Saying my Namaste to the sun as it is setting.

Perhaps one day out here I will also feel joy once again. But for now one more breath…then the next..inhale…exhale.

This journey of life can throw some unexpected fast balls at us. Get by the water somewhere and breathe it in. My total wish for you my friends is finding and having that place of “zen” to simply breathe❤️🪷

Out on the docks I search for you in the sun’s last rays

On the sparking water

In the songs of the sweet doves

In the lapping of the water

On the wind as it rushes by

In the soft music I’m listening to that you loved

In the blue skies I see your sweet eyes smiling

Memories of you as a small boy running to me

Of the teenager and man you became

Bittersweet images surfacing and passing in the breeze

I feel you here sitting beside me

Thank you for making me a mother and the man you became

I miss you on this Mother’s Day

Thank you for being here with me❤️

As I get home from work nearing 7:00pm, it is so nice to have sunlight longer especially on these mostly warm days. It’s been a bit too long since I’ve been able to get to my dock sanctuary to breathe.

The transition to learning to be alone with myself has been made much easier having the “dock time”. Winter months are quite a bit more difficult to navigate. Early May here in Maryland has big shifts in temperatures. Today is exceptionally warm and beautiful. I sped home to get to the dock while the sun was still out.

Isolating out the cooing doves, along with the lapping water sounds is so soothing. Complete chaos is my life at the present time…but out here all is right with the world.

Our little company, Beach-Zen, has been so rewarding to see begin to flourish. It’s “Zen” feeling is great to be able to share some calmness with those in need of a respite from today’s continuous bombardment of bad news everywhere. I wish everyone a place like this to escape to…to stop and breathe for a few moments. To remember there ARE places we can just listen to birds and be. Life’s journey is about now, right now, in this place to find a spot…a breath…just an isolated moment…breathe…

Look up at the skies …feel the sun on your face…this moment is fleeting… I wish you calm as you find your place of “Zen” to be.❤️❤️❤️🪷🪷🪷

We have all heard the old saying, “we just aren’t on the same page”, or, “ time to write a new chapter in your life”.

There are many life lessons to be learned in each of those phases. Sometimes the lessons are joyful and rewarding and other times they leave us devastated and beyond a grief we cannot fathom ever recovering from.

Pages are somewhat easily turned. Those moments when there’s just something that isn’t quite right for us and we realize it’s time to move to the next page. At times I’ve dog eared those pages, so to speak, thinking maybe just maybe I’d come back to them. A do over of sorts. That never really comes about and we just go back to reading and often rereading the pages before we start to write again.

Chapters are a bit more soul searching. Our grade school years are some of those. Fortunately I was blessed living in a small southern town and allowed the opportunity to go from first grade through senior year with most of the same kids. Friendship bonds that are tight and strong. Though not seeing them often I know they are there. I can pick up my phone and speak with them as if we never missed a day apart. Even so, as senior year ended the next chapter began. Some bad life choices caused many new chapters to be written and ended over the course of the next 3 decades. Failed marriages, the birth of 3 children and tragically the loss of my oldest child. That loss is a chapter that was brutally closed without choice. I’d like to believe I learned many lessons from those chapters of my life…perhaps I learned more than I realize…I don’t feel particularly more wise or astute in my thinking or decision processes.

Books are the toughest of all to continue writing and reading then rereading…perhaps we missed something along the way…I’m quite sure I have. There are places I adamantly need to close the book. Those things that are so draining and completely exhausting that just need to end. Yet I linger hoping against hope that things will change for the better. That person, that job, that relationship and the repeated habits…they need to change and only we can change ourselves in each of them.

So before our final life book is closed on this plain it is worth pondering as to which lesson we may be in the midst of…a page, a chapter or a book.. what are we meant to learn from each of them. Some days the little things feel so overwhelming til the giant things come along blowing us out of the water ..we never saw them coming… Those epic, “War and Peace”, size books. Those books that teach us lessons we didn’t want to learn. Strength we didn’t understand that we had…that exhausting strength we never wanted to have. Yet, we learn and keep moving ….one second, one minute, one day… just pages of a day in the life…our life.

Wherever you find yourself today sweet friend know you are not alone in your life lessons…turn the page, write the next chapter. Live it to the fullest and when necessary close the book and move on.

This journey called life, our life, IS one epic journey…keep writing and reading. Do rewrites when needed. Above all, live every one to the fullest before the big book is closed. NO regrets! ❤️❤️❤️

“We are given only a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.” Robin Williams

As I sit here after 2:00am, in the beginning hours of New Year’s Eve, sleep eludes me.

Upon opening WordPress I found this quote from Robin Williams, I had jotted down over a year ago. There definitely are no coincidences. Over the past several years, perhaps decades, I lost myself somewhere along the way….that spark of madness so to speak…where I found life funny and curiously interesting..that spark that found laughter everywhere…my spark was lost. Not overnight but slowly and steadily burned dimmer and dimmer til I no longer felt it.

Having not felt well the past few weeks there has been hours of staring at the ceiling and wondering where I am headed…directionless…yes directionless best describes my present state of being. That childlike faith that sees simplicity in all things… not looking for deeper meaning…just being in the moment…the funny and happy moment of now….where direction wasn’t considered. Now as an adult I think I need that back. We definitely need to have a clue about our future but maybe..just maybe it’s ok to not have it all figured out. Stop beating our heads against the wall with worry over everything.

Not sure where I’m going with all this but I truly believe that if life is really what we make it…then…there is hope that it can turn around and be better. That we can find our way back to that innocent enjoyment of today…just today. Faith that tomorrow will take care of itself…faith…faith that was also lost with that spark of madness…

Moving into 2023, faith will be my word…faith that it’s ok to just be and breathe…faith that I will once again find that laughter that was lost…faith that things will indeed turn around..faith…just faith. Simplicity in knowing that’s really all any of us need…faith.

My prayer for all of us in 2023 is that we all find our direction in a child like innocent faith that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow..that today we will breathe..and find our spark of madness once again. After all, life’s journey is about the madness of finding the laughter everywhere even when we don’t understand it. ❤️

Have you ever felt just so frustrated with everything in your life?….people….lack of work…anxiety that seems to always be lurking…where to turn..what to let go….a mind that is absolutely relentless ???? And on it goes….

Key to all of these frustrations is where does it all stem from? Perhaps a lack of faith …in God…in the universe…in friends…most importantly though in ourselves. Faith that we can actually pull through to get to a calmer more accepting kinder view of ourselves and our world…not the planet but our small microcosm where we reside …sometimes strictly in our heads.

Listening to a meditation site this morning it was about decluttering our spaces and more importantly our view of ourselves…letting go of stuff that no longer serves us…material things but more so mentally. Does this serve me with what I want in my life? Yikes, that was not what I wanted to hear….I’d have to actually look at difficult things I’d really rather not address.

Do I have the faith in myself to actually let go of the things that really no longer benefit my life in a positive way…to step back and take a very deep look within and let it all go…material things…mental blocks…people that I allow to take away my joy…fears that I can’t do this …way too scary thoughts!

Yes faith in myself to truly let go of sadness and anything that sucks the wind out of my sails. To take a hard core look at the closet in my head and weed it down to a smaller more manageable place where I can live and love more simply….without constant angst….alllll thatttt cluttter!

There still is no clear cut answer here but to simply start the process of decluttering…first in my mind…then who knows maybe my actual closet🤔

In all things to have faith in what is really important and let go of the things that are not adding to but draining my life source. The fact that this has surfaced repeatedly says it deserves a deeper look….

It’s a start and that is all I can ask of myself today..just start. This journey of life is difficult a lot of days but find joy SOMEWHERE every day and the frustrations seem a bit less daunting.❤️

Maybe even start in the closet…or maybe not 😊

At the end of a 2-day art show a few weeks ago it started to rain. As the rain grew harder we began packing things up more quickly. Some sea shell necklaces were hurriedly dropped into a bag without separating them into their individual small ones. That mistake will not happen again… most of the chains were pulled apart but 3 of them twisted and tumbled into one huge knot!

As I sat for multiple attempts to untangle this jumble of chains I became more and more frustrated. It felt like the harder I tried to make sense of the mess and untangle it the worse it got. Man, was there a life lesson in that one…😣 I concluded that tangled mess was like my life. I was ready to pitch it all in the trash…but this little piqued piece of my mind kept thinking just one more pull in the right direction and it would unravel..just keep trying..

How much time I have spent trying to untangle this mess I tend to create of my life. There are days and months I want to just give up and chunk it all in the trash. Then this still small voice says just one more time..just one more pull in the right direction…it will untangle and make sense. There will be individual pieces of beauty there. Just keep working at it.

I confess there are times I just do not want to try again..to work things loose..to pursue the other side of the mess..this tangled mess. I don’t want to hear that voice. I just want it to go away! But…then I pick up the piece and try once again. Admittedly my tangled mess is still here..riiigght here..staring me down. Tomorrow I will pick up the piece and try once again…

It’s exhausting to say the least to keep plugging and pushing and sometimes I have to stop. Walk away. Take a break. Rest. You know, breathe.

Tonight my 3 chains did indeed become 3 individual pieces…I came close to a hammer last night. Thennnn walked away. Gave it 24 hours. One more time..one more pull ..one more breath..one more step….they broke free❤️

Keep plugging my friends…one more breath…one more step…one more minute…this journey called life can certainly feel like one big tangled up ball of chains …but we know Who can break those chains don’t we?

My tangled up life may never be completely separated into tidy little pieces but then it might be too boring…who knows…maybe I’ll just write about it ❤️

It suddenly struck me in the last 2 weeks just how blindly I follow Waze. Even when I know where I’m going I plug into it for traffic and police locations. Turn here and I turn. Without thought just following the next step. Saturday it didn’t seem to know where I was orrr exactly where I was going. New construction areas that it didn’t recognize. You have arrived and I was at a Wendy’s with no house in sight.

Blindly and without question I follow a man made app and yet I question everything God is doing. In the case of the last week what He is not doing. Hopeless then angry because I’m not being shown beyond the next turn when I want answers for my future which feels extremely bleak right now. Why is it so difficult to trust God the creator of the universe who always knows where I am and where I’m going without fail but have no problem in trusting my phone to show me the way?

My daughter and I lamented the way the world is going in a conversation earlier tonight. Why some people seem to have no thought about telling you they will do something then never follow through with it…kinda the way I’ve told God I would do something and never do it.

Yes some real eye openers this last week in my lack of faith in the only thing that is faith worthy…God. Odd that a driving app would stop me in my tracks to take a hard look at my responses to truth and unwavering love and direction from true North.

This week I will endeavor to not be so frustrated when I hear God clearly saying detour ahead rerouting or hazard in the road ahead. Definitely there is the overwhelming need to know more of my story but I will step back and breathe…then turn right at the next light😊🚧⚠️pay closer attention to His direction and enjoy the ride.

Have a great week ahead…breathe…don’t get shook when you’re rerouted.❤️life’s journey can be one big reroute…enjoy the detour!