Being the absolute staunchest believer in …there are no coincidences in life…just divine appointments…today’s note(actually as are all of them) comes from that place.

So much has whipped through my tornadic mind in the last 24 hours I’m not sure I can get it all out!!!

First I will start by saying the last 3 months of soul searching has paid off in the last day. Quite strange at this juncture in life things are finally coming together in my ever searching quest to find my place.

Two sleepless nights of, one crying and the next berating myself, led to peaceful rest today. A very dear, long distance, friend got hammered with my venting and maudlin rhetoric late yesterday. I’m sure he was sorry he started listening but was a good sport in it all. No judgement just an encouraging soul.

My Beach-Zen partner was out of town for 2 days and I felt completely alone in dismantling our show load from the previous evening. My frustration in, how dare you have a life when your muscles are needed right now. I’m trying to start accepting that when one tells me they will help soon as they can…it just might not coincide with my time table…relaxing is difficult for me to say the least…(an endless work in progress🫣). Hurting my arm a few months ago has slowed down my “forget it I’ll do it myself” attitude.

Back to my coincidences… when a quote or verse repeatedly shows up…I take notice with an, Ahhh, I see where God is going with this…

Fear is What if

Faith is Even if

Let that sink in… took me the 4th time of seeing it”pop up” to really hear its message.

Leaving a somewhat secure and mostly stable job 3 months ago was definitely a game changer (once again). My road less traveled churned up again. Desperately needing to be out of the high stress, performance based, daily grind of that atmosphere…I stepped back out in faith to, “go it on my own”, again. Having done that for 23 years prior it was not as scary as it might have been. This last week I was suddenly overtaken with “what if “, that was a mistake and there isn’t enough work…but God is such a better boss to work for. I knew I needed a respite to stop a few months and “Just be…. You know practice what I preach”.

In my rant last night I said my mind was “just mud”. I have never once referred to my monkey mind as “mud” before. The lotus came to mind in selecting an icon for Beach-Zen. They always come from mud..fighting their way out of that muck..,to rise up and bloom to such exquisite beauty!!! The online service I listened to this morning…you guessed it…fear is what if and faith is even if. The book I bought months ago from Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness, just “happened to be” on the top of my pile of books.

Always, having felt like an outsider, I could relate to every word I was reading. She quotes from Maya Angelou, about not belonging anywhere or to anyone. I belong to myself.

So in this long diatribe …there it is…I belong to myself … nowhere and everywhere…

If you are searching for purpose or to belong …pick up her book. “Braving the Wilderness “. I know without a doubt at least one person out there needed to hear this today!

Always remember, “No mud, no lotus “, you are beautiful exactly in who you are!!! Sending love and light to you today 🪷🪷🪷

And yes, I will wait for the muscles to help with the last of the heaviest pieces for tomorrow 😊. My faith in the, “even if”, is in the one who created me and is with me in and through it all…keep your eyes focused on Him…or as Joel Osteen’s, book says…if you want to walk on water…you have to get out of the boat… walking on water and enjoying the beautiful lotus floating atop it today 🪷🪷🪷

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Several years ago a wonderful client of mine moved to Albuquerque. She graciously had me out to do some decorating there and visit for a week. During our visit she and her husband took me to Sedona. Truly a bucket list trip. Scenic does not begin to describe the majestic beauty of that landscape! No words can even begin to describe what I saw and felt there. Otherworldly comes to mind. As I sat on those outcropping of rocks I removed my shoes. It felt like holy ground. Never before had I beheld such a rugged ethereal place. After Sedona, she and I went to Santa Fe. What a treat to go to the Georgia O’Keefe museum there. As they were setting up for an exhibit, we were allowed to go to a part that few ever get to visit. Her sketch books, artist brushes and value studies. As an artist, I have always been enthralled with her work and its detail. To say I was excited to view her personal tools of the trade is an understatement. I did not get the chance to visit Ghost Ranch, but that will hopefully be another trip. One thing in particular struck me in her thoughts was, “take time to look…”. Along with all the stones I had picked up there, I purchased a rock with that saying on it.

This morning, as I opened the draperies in my room, I was struck with the most incredible sunrise. Having just broken the horizon there was an enormous red ball of breathtaking sun. I thought of that rock that sits on some antique books in the living room, along side of the kaleidoscope I bought in Santa Fe. Take time to look…. I sat back in bed for a half hour just looking.. the sun, its rays and the incredibly cool breeze that was blowing in. Yes, a God moment. Grateful does not come even close to what I was feeling. Sometimes words definitely fail me.

How much of God’s creation and beauty do we miss daily because we do not stop and “take time to look…” . Today, take that minute, be aware of all that is around us that truly is majestic miraculous beauty. It’s there. Choose happy today. Much love and joy coming your way ❤️!!

Ruach is the Hebrew word for “breath of God“. Genesis 1 says, “the earth was without form and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.” His Spirit is translated from “Ruach” His breath or wind was over the waters .

Recent months the stirring restlessness that was in me, to push me out of my comfort zone, was calmed this week. I sincerely have sought God’s breath of life…Ruach…and there was a crack in my resistance. Nothing like the possibility of cancer returning to grab your attention. Ok, ok I’m listening…..

Meeting with 2 prayer healers, being still before the Lord, gave clear insight to a closing door . As of yesterday, I am once again 100% self employed.

I had a printed paper sign on my fridge for the last several years, “if you aren’t scared your dream isn’t big enough”. I shared with the friend who asked this morning, “How’s day 2 going?” I remembered that paper and replied that possibly for the first time ever, I am happy with my life and tracking…. Having been so busy with everyone and everything else I’m not sure I ever really had a dream (except a porch swing) and one is now in place. (I don’t know can you manifest a porch swing? guess I’d need the porch first🧐).

Today I gave myself permission to rest. A podcast or 2 and getting a bit organized. The gray rainy day with windows and doors open letting in its gentle sound has been perfect. Being present is always difficult but today I am doing it. Being. Listening. Hearing. No regrets of yesterday or fretting over tomorrow but here solely.

Drastic change is coming and I will embrace the opportunities that ensue. Today I am still.

If there are places in your heart you are feeling a restless nudge…pay attention…it just might be a change is needed. Open to it prayerfully and then be still and listen! It took a health reminder to get me to stop and pay attention. The “all clear “ was me getting a second chance to get up and change things.

Life’s journey is so short. If change is needed do it now while there is still time. He’s got you always.

I believe a nap is in order 😉. 🪷🪷🪷

I see you in this clear days sparkling sun across the waters

In the gentle clouds floating effortlessly across cerulean skies

The swaying trees as your quieting breeze passes through

The way my curtains billow into the room as the springs soft wind comes through my doors

The glint on the perfectly formed spider web on my porch

You are speaking…

Always my gentle cooing doves..perhaps the sweetest of all

The way the scent of mid spring honeysuckle brings such delight to my senses

A field of yellow flowers on my back roads shortcut

Verdant greens of the lawn from my deck view

Mom and dad goose paddling by with their little brood between them

You are speaking….

Long shadows cast from my deck rails

Cicadas humming

Seagulls diving for fish out on the river

The train rumbling in the distance reminding me of my childhood home

The waterfall babbling over the stones into the koi pond

Yes, You are speaking ….

I’m reading a book by Mark Batterson, “Whispers..how to hear the voice of God“. He talks about those who say miracles do not happen any longer….the fact that today I could see, hear, smell and sense all these things are beyond a doubt miracles all around me. Every book I’ve read of his is divinely sent.

I am listening….

Life’s journey is certainly messy at times. I await the call to see what my biopsies show this time. Either way, I was present today and observed just a small part of the miraculous beauty surrounding me. I breathed in Spring’s rebirth and it was magnificent. Stop a minute and feel all your senses this Spring. Til next time…namaste 🪷🪷🪷

Sitting here watching the colors of the sky and water change every minute in this beautiful sunrise my heart is so heavy. The verse “weeping may last for a night…but joy comes in the morning “, flashes through my weary mind. Joy. I need that. This has been my soul… my soul…my being the last few days….and I hear these words…

Hard sucker punch out of nowhere…I Am here

While bowed over trying to breathe from the hit..kicked in the teeth…I Am here

Lying on the ground and bleeding, a step on my throat with my heart ripped out and thrown back at me…I Am here

How is the heart still actually beating…while I cry myself to sleep every night…I Am here

Life! Fighting for the very air to breathe in some days…I Am here

Joy…where are you ..have you ever really existed..I Am here

Emotions. Just turn them off they say…How do I do that and stop caring…I Am here

And so I stop and see and hear the great I AM!

Birds are singing their morning hallelujahs to the coming day…the sweet doves sing their solos…the purples, oranges, pinks and reds streak the sky and water…I Am here…

Stop, listen and really hear…I Am!

My job is on the line. A big chance my cancer may be back. My heart is broken. I can’t seem to find oxygen right now. Aging which I was unceremoniously reminded of this week. I desperately need to be hugged and held while I cry. Yes, life…I Am here

Where is the joy…hear the birds singing. Watch My majestic sunrise over the water . Calm your soul. I AM here and I hold you while you cry. I bottle all your tears.

Life is a fight and the verse comes to mind, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy ladened and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”.

Nothing is resolved right now. I will always be emotion with skin on it..part of my being. Emotions that are hard to handle but that is what also gives my heart the abounding compassion for all those around me..what causes my heart to cry at other’s pain..what causes me to weep at the beauty of the sunrises and sunsets…that allows me the vulnerability to cry out for help that also lets others know someone else feels these same hurts and but can’t share them for fear of being judged.

Life’s journey is hard but also has beauty. As I continue to seek answers and work through the pain of current issues I will also remember who ultimately is the one who loves and holds me while I cry… I AM here.❤️

As I sit alone on this Easter morning quietly remembering when my children were small. Dyeing eggs on Saturday and the raucous excitement Easter morning before church finding their baskets filled with candy and small toys. Hunting the eggs the bunny had hidden throughout the house. The absolute joy on their small faces. Settling them for breakfast and getting them ready and dressed for church. After church enjoying Easter dinner before they were out in the yard hiding eggs and enjoying that innocence of childhood.

Many things have changed since those decades past, as they should. My son has gone on home to heaven with my parents and grandparents. My daughters are in New Orleans, where they were born, with their dad’s family this weekend burying their dad’s ashes with his parents and brother. Sobering moments for them saying their final earthly goodbyes to their dad with his family.

I have sat alone on many holidays these past few years. Always remembering the joys of holidays gone by with my children. They have families of their own now creating the memories they will one day remember fondly.

This journey of life with its joys and sadness continues on. Sunrises…sunsets…rain and gray..bright sun and swirling puffy white clouds…blue skies so beautiful it is overwhelming to the senses… tides in and out as we recall and keep moving.

The magnificent scent of my new gardenia is permeating the room as the wind from the sliding door brushes across it. I will sit a few more moments ruminating over Easter’s past… just remembering… then carry on with my day.

As today unfolds I will also remember the One who gave it all so I can also remember that one day I will hug my parents and my son once again. This journey is a blip compared to eternity. Be sure you know the One who Easter is all about.

Happy Easter sweet friends ❤️💐✝️

Sitting here with morning coffee watching the sun glitter across the river is soothing to my weary soul. Today begins “that” week. I am so grateful that the sun is shining on this frigid morning as the gray would take me under. Trying still, after 10 years, to make sense of things..life..death..loss…purpose…with all the books out there…dozens of which I have read…apparently a lot of people struggle with these things as well. As this week unfolds the dates fall on the same days they did that horrific week 10 years ago. My anxiety and depression that clings to me worsens on this week.

Danny Gokey’s song, Tell your heart to beat again, has played through my mind daily this past week. It has been consistently in my mind for the past decade now. Some of the lines that say, “Beginning, let that word wash over you. It’s all right now, love’s healing hand has pulled you through. Get back up, take step one, leave the darkness, feel the sun. Let the shadows fall away step into the light of grace.”

So many broken hearts across our world. In our brokenness if we can find that moment,if only a few minutes, to “step into the light of grace”, to feel the sun shining on our faces and take one more step, one more breath.

Oh, sweet friends, there is healing in His light of grace. Keep holding on and breathing that one more breath..one more beat of your precious heart..

On those days when you have to tell your heart to beat again, close your eyes and breathe it in..His love has carried us this far and will continue to do so. Our journeys have just begun each and every time.

So on this week when I recall the moment my earth ceased to turn I will take that moment…to let the shadows fall away and again step into His light of grace.

Sending so much love and light to you❤️🪷🪷 like that beautiful lotus we too can rise and radiate beauty into our worlds.

Control freak…how many times do we hear that when things go awry for people? They can’t handle it when they can’t control the outcome or that relationship ended because one or the other couldn’t control the other person or themselves.

Today at work I cried over low numbers and the fact a client had decided not to place a large order that would definitely have helped a slow month. My emotions drained me over what I thought was not being able to get a grip with it and keep pushing. I could not. Get a grip orrr keep pushing. I wanted to give up and go home. A coworker talked me down and I stayed the remaining 2 hours. Still feeling somehow sucker punched I couldn’t lose the empty hollow feeling that had swept over me.

Crying most of the way home I wanted desperately to go to get a hug and be consoled by my biggest cheerleader. Suddenly feeling guilty now for going to dump that on them I decided to turn and go home.

After staring at the wall for a few hours in deep contemplation tonight it hit me. As are most very emotional reactions…it’s never that thing that it’s about…my triggers were hit. LOSS!!!

There is no control over numbers or what people do or do not do. It wasn’t about that or the income hit…it was no control over the loss of it…the true loss surfaced tonight for which there was and is absolutely no control. I lost my child and I had no control over it. Then or now. It slashes deep.

Any of us who have lost someone we loved feels that sense of no control. I can now add this to my list of triggers to know when it hits to stop a bit and collect myself and breathe. That completely drained feeling that can overcome us in an instant… to realize it’s not weakness but a vulnerability that makes us compassionate humans. We loved greatly and intensely and that does not end when we can no longer see or touch them. In some ways the intensity is magnified because we have no control over it. Folks mean well when they say remember the good times and think about those times. Some days that just is not possible. Those days we may just need to cry til the tears stop…knowing they will surface again…then journal or take a walk..or simply sit with it and breathe deeply…

Tonight I have sat with it and breathed and regrouped. I did reach back out to my cheerleader and was reassured they were still there.

So to those of you who are hurting out there, I hurt for you and with you. As the 10 year anniversary of my greatest loss approaches I know the tearful moments will continue to surface. Rather than feeling weak I will allow my human vulnerability, which is our greatest virtue and strength, to be present and feel through it,..

This journey of life is still beautiful even in our darkest moments. Remembering the good and precious moments do not remove our anguish but they can bring a smile. After we allow our tears to flush through…again…knowing that wave will return….but like the ocean waves they wash back out again as well.

I love you sweet friends❤️ take a moment to reach out to a friend or even an acquaintance to let them know you are there for them if they need you…we alll need our cheerleader some days more than others🪷🪷🪷

Harsh cold the last few weeks with some days of abysmal unending grays have not helped the emotional roller coaster I feel this time of year. As the 10th anniversary of losing Jonathan approaches so does the tightening of my airways. That constriction that feels as though I will never be able to take a deep breath again.

Tomorrow I start a new counselor that perhaps can aid with some new way to cope with loss. After 10 years it doesn’t feel much better. This overwhelming sadness that rips through at any given moment without warning still takes me to my knees. There always seems to be more questions with still no answers. Some days I truly wonder if my mind will ever stop spinning. Then I step back…and focus on the moments…those moments I will forever cherish..hugs, laughter, joy, being on the water, blue blue skies and sunsets..I can hear his voice and his laughter…I hold onto them for life.

For all of us who have lost our loves, our hearts, and sometimes feels like our very souls…take a journey through those life moments we shared with them and breathe it in. Close your eyes with your hands on your heart and feel those moments and know they want us to be happy again.

This journey of life has so many moments to hold onto. Beautiful moments and memories. We can’t let that pain keep us from experiencing new moments, creating new memories. Not that we will ever forget or diminish what was there with them but to continue to fully live in our present. To breathe again. To smile and laugh again without feeling guilty about it.

I wish for each of you, that have had such deep agonizing loss, a way to find your way back…if even a few moments…to seeing the beauty around you. It is there, even in the cold bleak of winter…spring is coming..it’s coming… deep breath..then one more…then one more❤️

On these late nights when sleep eludes me my mind sweeps into overdrive mode. Questions upon questions then more questions with seemingly no answers.

Myopic is the word that keeps coming to me recently. This event totally confounded me as a mother….When my middle child was in third grade her teacher sent home a note. “Please have your daughter’s eyes tested. I have moved her to the front row and she still is having problems seeing the board .” The only vision tests she had ever had at that point was through school testing. A week later, after a visit to the eye doctor, I was told she had a pretty heavy case of myopia. Her father’s family had vision issues but I was unaware of exactly what this meant. When we emerged from the office, once her glasses arrived, I was speechless as she looked around outside in complete wonderment. “Mom, I didn’t know you could see individual leaves on the trees.” As I had never had any vision impairment it had never once occurred to me that she wasn’t seeing properly. To her trees and grass had been a blur of color and she thought it was normal. I felt like a horrible mother…how had I not realized she couldn’t see.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says we now see as in a hazy mirror but one day we will see clearly (my paraphrasing there). How true that is when I go down that overthinking path. I plead for direction because my vision is so clouded in my human understanding. God has the big and clear picture and I need the faith that one day He will hand me the glasses of perfect vision and understanding. All I need right now is to trust and keep the faith in Him who loves me beyond understanding just as I love my children.

How often we see things through our perspective that we think are normal but there’s that blur that causes us to see what really is not there. Perhaps on these nights I need to just look out at the stars and the massiveness of the skies and know I only see a tip of things. It is not my job to figure everything out but to have faith I will see clearly when the timing is right.

This journey of life has a lot of blurry messy things. We need to squint a bit, at times, to find our way….but to learn to trust in the our own unique journey and enjoy every second and blessing we have. Blessings abound dear ones just keep squinting….keep squinting.❤️🪷