Sitting out on the dock behind my home…one of those pristinely beautiful days…blue blue skies with big fluffy white clouds scattered across them, no humidity and a crisp wind blowing ….. sound of the waves the wind and the few boaters out are creating …you know those days….sitting and soaking in life at its calmest. Warm sun, cool breeze ..can you feel it? Close your eyes and see it?

In the past when I needed this feeling in my mind I went to the oceans shore. Heard the waves and felt the mist on my face..the sun shining down to warm me. Now I can walk out on my dock and be in a new calming place.

Wanting to find a creative muse this morning I have walked out here with camera, sketch book and journal to see what happened to inspire. ANCHOR just keeps turning over in my head. This writing started to develop around it..anchor…

My son had a large anchor tattoo with his daughters name across the base.

His good friend, Eric, designed a smaller version for me with a microphone in the center and hearts cut out on the base and top..prominently now tattooed on my arm (a bit larger than I had planned). In remembrance of my son…

We “drop anchor “ to hold our boats in place..much like coming out on the dock anchors my mind and heart,,,grounds me when I need to stop and be…not do… just stop and inhale.

They seem to pop up everywhere,, they remind me of my sweet son …and I smile and know he’s near me…his love of the water and it’s calming to our souls is embedded in my family.

Anchor…to set, to hold firm, fasten, hitch, moor…

After watching my church’s online service today..about change…how we have to really want it..not just “sit” in our acceptance of what is….. I serendipitously had another following pop up ….. reminding me how God truly cares about even the smallest details of our lives… 2 anchors thrown out to me back to back…there are NO coincidences anywhere!

My path was crossed in late April and in early May it was suggested, in kindness, that I seemed to be “sitting in it”. That wise person has recently moved on from my life but I learned much about myself the last several months…change is needed greatly…to survive living..to stop just existing…to breathe life in fully…….change!

Switchfoot’s song, “Dare you to Move”, just came to mind..so I played it..really heard the words this time.. noooo coincidences.. take a minute to open it in utube..well worth the listen …..I dare you to move…Live like today never happened before..maybe redemption is right where you fell (maybe when your anchor drifted without being aware it was moving ever so subtly…like mine has been)

So today I see that to change we have to really want it..God cares about our minute details…make sure our anchor is placed firmly so we don’t drift and it is the correct anchor carefully chosen and placed. I clearly felt this sketch bubble out…

Settle into change where it’s needed on this journey called life………..make sure you have THE anchor……I dare you to move…..

As I sat watching yet another phenomenal sunrise this morning I couldn’t help but feel how small I am in the vastness of this universe. Less than a pin dot. Feeling so lost the last few weeks, actually years, to become lost in the sunrise was cathartic. We are on this journey of life for such a blip. Last week I lost 2 childhood friends; one to COVID and one to cancer. It was a very sobering week to remember such heart felt memories about these 2 sweet people. It puts parts of my life in perspective to look at its brevity and to truly believe that today is a gift. Losing my son 5 years ago started the journey of being, attempting anyway, to live in this present moment, to relish every part of this moment. Even the moments that feel as though I cannot take another step..I cannot handle this pain and hurt again… wanting to close off my tender heart from all hurt. Ahhh but if I close off my heart and never risk, that true gut wrenching at times, ability to really feel..to really live..then truly what is the point if I feel nothing?

Today choose to live..feel all that is there to feel..breathe in life. Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the wonder of seeing it for the first time. Look up at those beautiful cerulean skies and the clouds and simmer in the majestic beauty of it all. Really feel it in your soul! Our essence is life and love …risk feeling it all.

This journey called life is fleeting….don’t miss a second more of it. Feel what you feel and know it’s a good thing❤️

It is in the moments of extreme emotional duress that we move inward and begin to search the deepest recesses of our hearts. What that searching shows us about ourselves and about the people involved in our lives is quite sobering. Perhaps a wake up call to guard our hearts more and careful as to whom we allow access to our open hearts.

Everyone processes the chaos of this journey differently. Some are private and closed and react, what seems to my emotional heart, as cold or uncaring but it is simply how they process things, especially uncomfortable issues. I have described myself as emotions with skin on it…possibly an understatement! It has taken most all of my 6 decades to realize when friends or relationships don’t react emotionally as I do…it doesn’t mean they don’t care… just are much calmer and quiet in their way of processing life…just could not wrap my crazy head around that! Still quite puzzling to my spinning hamster wheel 😳

We do learn how many amazingly deep wonderful friends we have and then those who are more superficial friends. Not bad just surface friends…not the deep enduring all of our life’s messiness friends. Arms always outstretched to us hell or high water..agreeing with us or not…always there !! Ready to lift us up..pray with and for us..sit and hold us in our depths of darkness.. laugh with us in life’s joys..share our hearts inside out and upside down!

Having grown up in a small southern town, I am beyond blessed to have such an army of life long friends that I can reach out to at any time and know beyond a shadow of a doubt they ARE always there for me. New friends I have met are equally there now and I’m always blown away by the outpouring of love I receive!!

Most disturbing of all this COVID horror is the isolation it has produced. We cannot live without human contact. It destroys our sense of belonging. Hugs and touch are so necessary to our survival. I am so eternally grateful for my friends and the way they reach out. Even amidst this time of stress they still hug and console and love.

This journey of life can be so stressful and yet so blissful. The ups and downs are much more tolerable with friends who love so deeply. To my armies of friends and relations….I could not possibly be more blessed to have each of you in my life…I love you all dearly ❤️❤️❤️

Always remember…if in doubt…reach out….

It has been said, and the older I get I believe, that in life people cross our paths for different reasons. There have been times that I lamented the decisions I made and the trajectory my life took as a result of what seemed an innocent enough choice…go here or go there…those last minute choices and who precisely crossed my path at that junction in time. It was during those moments of regret for past moves that one of my favorite lines became forever imbedded. From the book, Under The Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes, “Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different “.

Looking at my amazing grandchildren and my children..I realize that some of my most disastrous decisions led to the most beautiful outcomes. The beautiful friends I have had along this journey of life was also due to those choices.

As I sat with a dear friend I met only 18 months ago. We talked of how tedious life feels at times. Our chance meeting and how our lives have changed in these months.

Some enter our lives to teach us valuable lessons about life and ourselves. Some are here for a season to teach, to love, to receive love and nurturing then to move on. Then there are the ones who are here for the long road….the entire journey of our lives. The ones we cling to when our worlds feel as though they are crumbling all around us and who in turn clings to us when they are in the depths of pain or need to share the euphoria of a blissful moment. Yes, those friends that even if miles separate you physically they are always there to listen, to share and love. The calm in the storms, the riotous laughter in the joys and always always believing in one another.

Mistakes along the way..,definitely….but oh to just stop and count what blessings have arisen from so many of them. To know that even the slightest change in those sudden decisions and our lives would have turned out so differently. We would be elsewhere …we would be different.❤️❤️

There’s a boat across the river churning up a bit of a ripple. Water lapping gently against the shore line and docks creates such a calming sound. Two flags are flapping in the breeze. A dove is cooing close by. The sun is out but not uncomfortably hot on this early June day as the wind is just enough to cool my skin. I am reminded, in my small piece of paradise here by the water, of the simple joys of summer… of all of life actually. These moments that money cannot buy. The scent of my gardenias I just planted nearby is such a sweet scent. Amazingly abundant colors of the flowers makes my heart smile. A summer thunderstorm blew through last night making the flowers that much more vibrant today. That sound of the thunder and rain as I was contemplating sleep made me stay awake longer just to hear the soothing symphony being orchestrated outside my windows.

Yes, there are these serene moments that cannot be bought. A temporary halt to life’s sometimes chaos to just be and breathe it in. Even in all the distressing times of the last couple of months and the fallout ensuing from it all…I am again reminded of how blessed I truly am. God has this …as He always has everything…nothing is a surprise to Him.

So for right now, in the midst of this blissfully sweet summer’s day, I will reflect on the things I am so humbly grateful for in my life. Life’s journey holds so much to be thankful for ..even the darkest days that teach us so much. He is there! In this moment I will be still and quiet to hear all He is showing me..❤️

As the cocoon began to slit open…the emerging butterfly began her fight to push out of her darkness and into the beautiful sunshine of a life full of wonder and adventure and flight …

I have read that if there is help in opening the cocoon, in any way, the butterfly will die. It is difficult to watch those we care about struggling. It’s especially hard when we believe that we could help in some way. Learning to just stand aside and offer advice only when it’s sought rather than just jumping in and trying to fix things is quite an adjustment. What is referred to as enabling always felt like helping. I have come to learn that in actuality it is extremely harmful. There is a crippling effect on the person rather than a freeing effect.

Boundaries that allow others to sort through their own problems and challenges must be put into place. To learn to ask if that person would like to hear what we see that could help them is a step in the right direction. Most humans are wired to want to help; however, there are those of us who cannot seem to understand that some people quite simply do not want our help. Like an obstinate young child determined to do things on their own they need to fall in order to learn to upright themselves and move forward. This is a healthy thing for people to do to find their own way❤️

I am the classic enabler. Intuitively disposed to read people’s hearts and feel their hurts and needs almost personally. Feeling that I know what they need but putting out that boundary that says to just zip it closed and wait. That I just may not know what’s best for another and it’s ok. No longer do I feel like I’ve let someone down because I couldn’t help in some way. To let others be and live their own life without interference is a good thing, Like that butterfly they need to fight out of their darkness and goo to spread those beautiful wings and take flight ….,

This butterfly has finally burst out of the dark and taken flight with wings unfurled …to where I’m not completely sure..and that’s ok too🦋🦋but it is full of wonder, adventure and flight..this freedom to unabashedly soar….

I am light

I am warmth

I am sun

I am calm waters

Sitting by the river….

Sunlight on the water like golden glitter

The calmness of the water mirrors my broken heart—

No longer turbulent just quietly broken

No longer searching just sad

Not engaging – just observing

Sitting with it and observing

Have I given too much away – maybe

Have I loved far too deeply – possibly

Where do I fit and belong – no answers

Should giving from the core of my soul be quelled – remains unanswered

Not engaging – just observing

To finally have loved with my heart’s wild abandon with everything believing all the words and actions that were given and then to have it casually handed back to me with just “No thank you, I’m sorry but no, thank you “

Confused ..crushed ….broken

Do not engage just observe

Heart questions… no answers..no closure

I am lost on this day but somehow content

Not engaging – just observing

Life was not meant to be observed but to be fully engaged

Perhaps in a shattered state ..a time out..observing and letting go

Watching the sadness and brokenness float away down the river

Right now in this moment….

I am light

I am warmth

I am sun

I am calm waters

The birds are engaged in their boisterous melodic songs

Warm wind is whipping my hair

Mallards are squawking

The brokenness and pain feels somehow absorbed out here on the dock into the flow of the river

Perhaps it is in these warm winds promising the coming of the summer sun that the letting go is beginning

Letting go to live once again….

Like the endless flow of the river

Decades of heart pain…flowing away

I am light

I am warmth

I am sun

I am calm waters

It is yours God…it always has been

High tide today came in with a heavy rain and very high winds. Watching the river rise and the neighbors dock be submerged I felt the familiar knot in my stomach and catch in my breathing. How is it I can love the water as I do and yet feel a menacing dread when I see it rising or becoming even somewhat turbulent?

I grew up in a small town in Arkansas, the mid south. The north end of town where I lived flooded a few blocks from my house when heavy rains caused 8-Mile Creek to overflow. When those waters rose it was not uncommon to see someone in a flat bottom boat maneuvering through the waters. Stark fear would grip me at those moments. While in high school one of those heavy spring rains brought flood waters around the school. Cars began to float out of the parking lot. Word was received that there was also a tornado headed in our direction. The National Guard was brought in to rescue all the students and faculty from the flooding buildings. Wet, cold, tired and scared I arrived home that afternoon and within a few days was hospitalized from dehydration and a possible bug I’d picked up in the flood waters. Truthfully it was quite possible it was from the traumatic impact that flood had on me.

Fast forward several years later and living in New Orleans, I faced that city’s rainy Springs with horrendous flooding. I waded chest deep water back to my apartment building one year. Months later I realized how dangerous that was with snakes and the ever present alligators. We lived on the edge of a wooded area and very wet swamp land. Overnight hospital stay again for the same reasons. When my first 2 children were small we watched water rise up to the top of our porch but thankfully not come into the house. Had I lived there during Katrina I’m not sure how I would have handled that terror. A truly resilient people live there.

Water nightmares have plagued me as long as I can remember. Thank heavens I didn’t know about tsunamis as a child. Not surprisingly cruises have never appealed to me. When living in Florida, I worked for a company and as part of my job one year had to be on a cruise to the Bahamas in a PR capacity. I ate Dramamine like M n Ms for the entire cruise. There was never a moment when I allowed myself to see anywhere but right in front of me. I imagined land behind me at all times. Maybe I slept an hour each night. A couple of comatose days followed that work trip but without hospitalization at least 🙄.

With all that said still my perfect day is out on a lake on a pontoon or sunup to sundown on a beach. There’s nothing quite as soothing as the sun on my face by the water….but quiet, calm waters, preferably at low tide with hospitalization not required. 😊🌊

Sitting in my art studio, with windows on 3 sides, I’m listening to the wind whistle and howl around and from across the river. There’s a 180 view of the water on this side of the house which allows a calmness to completely immerse in creative solitude. I love every single thing is this cozy room. The scent of oil paints and mediums, paint brushes, blank canvases and charcoals intermixed with floral supplies and scrapbooks. My paintings are hanging or leaning against the walls with sketches I’ve done. Scattered mementoes of days past..some wonderful to recall and some heartbreaking,…but all a very real part of my life. These nights I can pull back and just observe but not be caught up or pulled down by any of them..just aware….sitting with them…quietly being…

An inviting daybed resides in a corner with lots of pillows and a deep down comforter for the occasional guest or most often a lazy afternoon of snuggling in with a good book and a cup of tea. Or a late night glass of wine and being quiet, like tonight, just listening and being. This “art” of being alone with myself enjoying the smell of patchouli and sandalwood incense filtering across the room mixing with the oils is a new experience for me.

For the first time in my life I am completely alone. There was always a relationship or children still at home to fill any voids. One thing I have truly discovered in these alone months is that there was always a void that never seemed to be filled. That void was me. I never had a time to find or be who I was or am. It took deaths, cancer, a divorce followed by a pandemic to be finally quiet and still long enough to lean in and breathe for the first time in all my life. Quite unsettling I can tell you for absolute certain. Many nights crying myself to sleep wondering why I’m here and what’s the point….maybe that is the point..there isn’t one. Just perhaps being…quietly being…

Time to discover and create who I want to be…..and gently love what emerges from this space in which I find myself ….this beautiful art studio cocoon I have created ❤️❤️❤️that is housing this dark gooey cocoon I’m beginning to finally come out of with wings unfolding🦋🦋🦋…quietly and colorfully being….ready to fly! 😊

Just read a quote in a book…”you are not broken, you are becoming “…interesting thought with my current mindset.

Becoming what? What, if there actually is one, is the point?? Why am I here? I presently see no logic in any of it or anything else for that matter !

5 years ago my soul shattered…..but even before that horrid night…I never felt that I truly belonged anywhere. It was with the death of my son that the search to belong and find myself for the first time began in earnest. In that moment of loss and excruciating pain….the desperate need to belong somewhere, anywhere but where I was became incessant. To be accepted for who I am finally…but to first know myself who that is…

Perhaps the need to belong is really the need to be heard and seen for who we truly are….who we were born to be..that gypsy bohemian artist soul that was squelched as a child because it just wasn’t tidy and proper and like everyone else. That persona is not in keeping with southern acceptance. Messiness just does not work well in that environment. And it can be a messy lot.

Somewhere back in the throes of childhood there must have been a moment in time when I felt connected and worthwhile. That I actually mattered to someone just the way I was. There must have been a time …..

Sifting through years of not so benevolent feelings toward myself it has come to my attention that my inner voice is horribly critical. Critical toward myself but oddly not toward anyone else. Absolute perfection is expected from me at all times. At what point did that inner voice begin to berate and condemn? When subconsciously I knew that gypsy soul would not be tolerated the fight to stuff that essence of my being into a recess so deep that she could not be found began……and continued for so long I lost her along the way. Forgot the dreamer of that soft creative soul. Forgot the outrageous abandoned laughter of that childlike heart. Until now …until now…

But surfacing she is now….and with a roaring vengeance!!! …and not everyone is or will be happy about it……

Here’s to us misfit square pegs in round holes who see the world and it’s colors a bit differently but oh so vividly that we want everyone to see what we see!!

So it IS what I’ve read in reality IS true…grief doesn’t change you it reveals you!!! Hmmmm and I believe I’m finally ok with this ☺️❤️