Reflecting during this solemn and emotional week leading up to the day my world exploded… I’ve been reminded of so many memories from his life here and memories of the past 6 years with the bonds that have formed more tightly than they were even before his death. The changes in many ways that would not have been had he stayed with us. It feels odd the way life turns in an instant and all is not as it was just 5 minutes before. In rereading a poem one of his dear friends wrote a few days after the accident one line just kept bringing me back to it. He heard the sounds of a thousand hearts breaking….

That is so very poignant ….because the sound was almost audible.

We get so caught up in our jobs and how much money we make ..what cars we drive..the size of our houses..fashion and all the fluff of life. Our clients and meeting their expectations. All those things coupled with bills to pay…health concerns ..aging..I forget to stop and put it all in eternal perspective. Our journey here on this earth is but a blip on the screen and no more. All we truly have is today and it’s racing past us quickly. We need to stop and really see and hear the people we love and care about..and who love and care about us..and those who need to hear something positive in their hurting hearts.

Tonight I sat and read some things his friends had written and they brought the tears…the sweet kind of tears… in seeing how much they too loved him. He blessed a lot of lives in his 37 years.

Friends have reached out the last couple of days, as they too are feeling the sadness of loss. I felt so absolutely lost today and reached out for that tight hug of reassurance that few can give me. It was like an injection of pain meds in the way it calmed my hurting heart. Forever grateful and blessed beyond measure.

This journey of life is not about stuff but about people and their souls connecting. In asking for a hug today I said I needed to feel that connection. I believe if we are all honest, with ourselves mostly, we desperately need to feel a connection to do more than exist. Connect by physical touch.. to live.. to breathe..to feel..to love..to dance….to create..to hear the music of our souls.

Yes, my heart aches to hold my child but more to feel my connection to him that was severed abruptly on that icy road 6 years ago. The emotional bond of motherhood will never be gone. It’s the physical connection that our hearts and souls yearn for I’m convinced is necessary to travel this journey called life,

When you need a hug…ask for it…best drug you could ever have.❤️

Hurry up I’m waiting on you…his voice trailed off in the mist…that faint giggle resonating down the foggy path.,.

Right here behind you …where did you go? In the heavy darkness and mist I can’t see you now.

Not far ahead of you, come on! Would you just hurry up please? You’re going to love this it’s so beautiful…

Somehow I’ve gotten off the path. I think I’m lost …keep talking so I know the way…can’t see or hear you now…I’m definitely lost!

Waking up with a start the alarm sounds so foreign…what is that noise? Waiting for the pounding in my chest to slow I realize all too well that familiar ache…lost, just lost. That same dream once again.

In the now 6 years since my sons fatal accident this dream haunts me. On occasion I actually see, talk to him and hug him but mostly searching in a mist. His laughter and urging me on to follow him…but I can’t see him or find my way. Loss affects us all in different ways at different times. It’s the lost feeling of emptiness and something we can’t control or change. Always searching but lost….lost is such an abysmal feeling..which way to turn..what to feel..what to think or do…

A tempest of emotions with confusion turning to raging anger in a split second. None of which we can stop..only how we choose to react to that loss of control.

Choosing..therein lies the turning point..some days choosing life and sunshine is easier but most of the time my choice seems to turn in a downward spiral. Depression…maybe. Grief..definitely. Needing to let go…absolutely.

Letting go means so many things. I truly believe there is a fear when you’ve lost someone that if you let go of them it’s wrong. It’s somehow not ok to feel happiness and guilt stops us from attempting to be whole again. Perhaps not whole, as a huge piece of us is missing, but fully functioning. There’s a fear also that others will forget him..forget he lived and laughed and loved. He was larger than life for so many…I don’t want them to forget him. They won’t…they won’t.

Such a work in progress in the healing of losing Jonathan. Just saying his name feels healing somehow. When you talk to someone who has lost their child..speak their name..it’s healing ..it’s remembering..

Another small step in the healing on my journey of life. Life and loss both exist side by side. It’s how we choose to react when encountering each of them that makes or breaks us.

As I return to the possibility of another dream…I’m choosing life regardless of how heavy the mist or how bright the sunshine.❤️perhaps more healing is eminent.

Ironic I had just finished writing a little piece on creative chaos and my daughter sent a picture of my 2 year old granddaughter. She was wearing a sun hat, had her toy computer perched atop the kitchen trash can and apparently was writing away. Jokingly I shot back, “trash can compositions..what life is made of”.

How profoundly truthful that statement rung out with me…our life…our composition.. we can take what we consider to be our trash…and create such a beautiful composition!! It really is our choice …to remove those broken pieces we chunked into the trash thinking it was worthless… to start again with Gods gorilla glue..to begin to piece them together,..a stained glass composition that allows the bright sun to shine through. A light of color and life perhaps for others also to see that beauty can come from our broken pieces.

Ohhh this journey called life is filled with the trash we think is worthless but such beauty is to be found in piecing our broken pieces together….creating something new..something we never before could have imagined ❤️❤️🎨

On this bright sunny Sunday morning I am on the pillow ladened day bed that resides in the corner of my art studio. Sun is beaming through the windows, sliding door and skylights. Truly basking in this profusion of warmth and light I look around at the canvases, some painted and others waiting for life to be given. What joy this creative chaos brings to me. Paints, books, seashells, a plant anxiously waiting to go back on my deck….trinkets here and there…it fills my heart with contentment and pure love.

There is no coincidence that I sat down in here to enjoy the light at just this moment and remembered the online services at my church. These moments when I hear words that speak such life…not unlike these blank canvases waiting for color and life to be given to them from a creator of color and joy and life. Don’t you just love these coincidences? There are jars, cups and pottery filled with various sizes of brushes awaiting the hand of a creator to pick them up and take hold to unleash what purpose they were created for….adding life and color to some void surface.

Aren’t we all like these brushes…waiting to be used for the purpose for which we were created? Yes there is much chaos in this studio, much like my life, but there is also so much joy. Joy waiting to burst out in brilliant light and color….endless beauty….

What spark is there inside of you just waiting for a burst of joyous color to erupt onto your canvas of life? Perhaps it’s time for you, as well as me, to allow our creator to pick us up and allow Him to paint on our journey of life that purpose for which we were created.🎨🎨🙌…beauty in the creative chaos…

There is something so soothing and warming to my soul sitting out on my dock the hours just before sunset.

After a very busy work day and before I need to start the work tonight for tomorrow’s appointments…a quiet lull of contentment was necessary to stop and just BE for an hour. In the past I would have felt guilty for this indulgence with so much needing to be finished but I no longer have that need in my life. Just sitting here with a glass of wine and listening to the doves coo, mallards quacking, birds singing their hearts out and a boat in the distance…my heart is at ease tonight.

Yes the summer warmth is coming and my soul feels it. This is the time of day that the aloneness can creep in and I allow it to take over but not today…not today. Perhaps, with the warmth coming, I am letting the goodness of life begin to seep in. Flowers will soon adorn my deck and bring their colorful joy with them.

It’s as though the sun sparkling and glittering on the water right now is God and His universe reminding me that He’s got this. He’s got me. Tending to forget that as I do it’s a great …HELLO, I AM with you…right here in this moment!

Listening to one of my many many self help videos last night…. be grateful and then know of the desires of my heart that..” it’s this or something better”.

In this warm moment of quietude …there could be no better…it’s just this…this moment..listening….being…savoring the last rays of this warm day’s sun…content.,.

In my journey of life it’s really all I need to know…He’s got me…❤️❤️

That elusive pot of gold….it’s what life can feel like at times..always chasing something or someone. From people to success..it is exhausting, hurtful, unfulfilling and never attainable.

To go within and do the work to find the wounding from earlier years…to accept that we are enough in our own right..to need no outside validation from anyone to feel that we are worthy of love and acceptance just as we are. Period!

It is not selfish but indeed an act of love to think of ourselves first and foremost in our own lives. Self care and love should be taught from childhood. To survive and thrive we must stop and realize that we count..our hurts and feelings do count..if we do not think of and care for ourselves ..who will? It is not the responsibility of anyone else, as an adult, to nurture and feed our lack of self love. No matter how we chase that butterfly it will always elude us. We cannot find anything continually positive or any kind of lasting love without… if we do not first feel it within..it is not humanly possible.

Never would I deign to pass judgement on another when I can’t possibly know what hurt they are dealing with or knowing their battles. To sit in harsh judgment of anyone is a dangerous and destructive roller coaster with no good outcome for anyone. Their life and choices are not ours to determine on any level.

With that said we cannot allow another’s opinion to cause us to sit in harsh judgment of ourselves. We need to give ourselves the same courtesy that we extend to others. If I will not pass harsh judgment on anyone else then why would I rip myself apart doing that same thing to me? Rhetorical I know but we need to remember that when life becomes cold and chaos is surrounding us to be gentle with ourselves..extend the same kindness inward that we do outward…yes we count…yes we are enough…yes we are worthy of love and acceptance. It is not selfish it is necessary for life…for our very air to breathe.

Stop chasing love…stop chasing life …stop chasing approval…stop and just BE…breathe..accept..be thankful and grateful ..love you..love life and what it is that you dream. That elusive pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow already exists inside of your lovable worthy heart..it’s there inside YOU…nobody can steal that away from you!

This journey called life, our journey, is ours alone..nobody can live it for us..stop chasing and live it with every ounce of your being ❤️❤️❤️ the journey is short…don’t waste a second of it…

There are days that it’s difficult to behave in ways that society deems appropriate. When our souls are aching with grief from loss trying to get to any light is beyond possible.

My dear friend has lost her sweet father and her pain is tangible. How my heart hurts for her. Anger is the stage of grief I see in her presently. She apologized for being angry…my response was to share with her what I have felt for almost 6 years now. In the darkness of our souls pain it’s difficult to find light some days. It is so very difficult on those days when nothing makes sense, in our excruciating ache of losing someone so dear to us, to find even a glimmer of light anywhere. In our times of anger there are moments that we don’t even want to see light…just feel angry and stay with it til it passes. Learning to stop and sit in that anger for a bit has been a challenge for me for sure. When we have been taught our entire life that it’s not good to be angry makes the acceptance of that emotion hard to reconcile in our mind. As I have written before …about just staying with it, feeling it and not judging….just feeling and letting it be there…just observing the anger or whatever emotion is there…then letting it go. I’ll admit there are days I cannot let it go. The waves of agonizing grief on those days takes me under and I succumb to the abyss of darkness in those moments…then it passes..til the next wave rolls in..and they always will roll back in. Some months the waves are farther apart than others but the waves will always roll back in. Learning to ride them without going under is the challenge.

Learning to accept that grief does not ever go away and to recognize that fact can be daunting. In time you learn to just accept that as a new part of your life. I am still learning between the waves to find light, joy and whatever happiness I can find in anything. It’s a process…the process of life, death and ongoing grief.

Yes, society tells us anger and grief should be left behind closed doors. It cannot be stuffed down or hidden… mostly from ourselves. Sit with it and observe it without becoming it..this is part of our journey. Only we can determine when to feel and how we feel..there is no rule to follow..only our heart can determine what and when..nobody else❤️

It’s a bit chilly outside so snuggled in close to the wood stove in my cozy kitchen with a cup of tea is quite serene or perhaps tranquil is a better choice of words. There’s something about the warmth the fire puts out and the steam from the hot tea that soothes my soul. Opening the glass door to add another log heat penetrates my face and I feel the warmth spread over me. Whether it’s the sun on a summer’s day or the fire on a chilly winter’s day… it’s the warmth my soul is absorbing that sustains and feeds that human need to feel touched. It’s like a warm gentle kiss on my cheek and I smile in its glow.

It is the first full week of the new year and as I bask in this warmth I muse over what the dawn of this new year will set into motion. New pages to fill, new canvases to cover, new photographs of new memories to capture, new relationships to forge and all those sunrises, sunsets and moon glows to marvel at their breathtaking beauty. As I take down my Christmas decorations and eventually my beautiful tree I always wonder what will transpire before I pull all these baubles out again in a year…what will have changed, will I still be here, will all my family and friends still be here and will life as I know it be changed again forever?

While new dawns, days and years can be intimidating they can also be thrilling. As we have all said and read, “the only thing for certain is that things will change”. We can only be here in this present time, enjoying what happiness or joy is here, until such time that it again changes and we keep moving.

There’s a blank canvas in my studio calling out to me to see what will emerge as I begin to cover it. Our ever changing canvas on this journey of life is waiting to see what will emerge as we contemplate what color to begin applying….make it a bright, warm happy color that fills your soul with joy! Open the gift of today. Happy New Day and Year my friends❤️

The sixth holiday season without you is upon me…..

I do wish I could honestly say that it is getting easier but that just is not the case. Aching does not adequately define what I feel in my soul without you💔. No matter how deep the breath….it is always short of feeling complete. The balloon with the small hole that no matter how much air is blown into it….it continues to seep out and deflate. No matter what I attempt to patch it with it will always have that leaking hole. Always running and searching for something else to patch and fill it…relentlessly seeking solace anywhere….only to end back at ache.

No matter how much I rant and belittle myself for not being able to accept and move forward I end up back here…a collapsed sobbing mess of humanity. Perhaps in accepting my humanity and brokenness is where I need to begin. To rephrase, “what is wrong with me”, to , “what is right with me”. So difficult! Why is it so much easier to shred ourselves in our brokenness than to embrace our wounded hearts with loving kindness? No it is not playing the victim, as some so eloquently phrase it…it is feeling what I feel. No longer will I allow anyone to guilt me for what I feel!! Until you have walked in these shoes wear your own slippers.

This year of isolation for so many has not helped us along in our quest for calmness and acceptance of what IS. For a time isolation can bring clarity in determining what is actually important in life but then it begins to erode our sense of purpose. When that purpose can’t be found easily the coldness can rapidly overtake us.

It is in this coldness that I find myself today wondering if this pain will ever cease to be. I will mourn the loss of your sweet loving heart and exquisite sense of humor this Thursday. Spending it without you once again but possibly totally alone as well. I will look for any remote sign that you are here with me laughing your amazing riotous laugh…So as this Thanksgiving week begins I will search not only for a sense of your presence here but also for a calmness and purpose that only God can give.

I have read a saying recently that…. “ one day someone will hug you so tightly that all the broken pieces will glue together “. Hope is all I can bank that saying on today. A single small shred of hope not just for the holiday season but for whatever days remain in my journey of life. Always awaiting that elusive hug❤️

My daughter dreamed of her brother last night and the pain of remembering he is gone this morning has pulled her down that slippery slope of grief. It is always there but some days it is so much deeper and raw.

The gray clouds today match the somber minutes in remembering him. He would hate that we are sad. It just wasn’t who he was….laughter, smiles and endless jokes. There were days that the smiles and jokes were there to cover his pains from loss as well. For the most part he was a happy guy wanting everyone to be happy.

Even on the gray of today I will hold dear in my heart the sweet sweet boy my child was. I will remember in this rawness what he wanted everyone to feel and be…pure joy!

This journey has its sadness along the way but also has joy. The remainder of this day I will choose the joy in holding him close in my soul.,..he is here with us!!💔💔❤️❤️❤️