Just read a quote in a book…”you are not broken, you are becoming “…interesting thought with my current mindset.

Becoming what? What, if there actually is one, is the point?? Why am I here? I presently see no logic in any of it or anything else for that matter !

5 years ago my soul shattered…..but even before that horrid night…I never felt that I truly belonged anywhere. It was with the death of my son that the search to belong and find myself for the first time began in earnest. In that moment of loss and excruciating pain….the desperate need to belong somewhere, anywhere but where I was became incessant. To be accepted for who I am finally…but to first know myself who that is…

Perhaps the need to belong is really the need to be heard and seen for who we truly are….who we were born to be..that gypsy bohemian artist soul that was squelched as a child because it just wasn’t tidy and proper and like everyone else. That persona is not in keeping with southern acceptance. Messiness just does not work well in that environment. And it can be a messy lot.

Somewhere back in the throes of childhood there must have been a moment in time when I felt connected and worthwhile. That I actually mattered to someone just the way I was. There must have been a time …..

Sifting through years of not so benevolent feelings toward myself it has come to my attention that my inner voice is horribly critical. Critical toward myself but oddly not toward anyone else. Absolute perfection is expected from me at all times. At what point did that inner voice begin to berate and condemn? When subconsciously I knew that gypsy soul would not be tolerated the fight to stuff that essence of my being into a recess so deep that she could not be found began……and continued for so long I lost her along the way. Forgot the dreamer of that soft creative soul. Forgot the outrageous abandoned laughter of that childlike heart. Until now …until now…

But surfacing she is now….and with a roaring vengeance!!! …and not everyone is or will be happy about it……

Here’s to us misfit square pegs in round holes who see the world and it’s colors a bit differently but oh so vividly that we want everyone to see what we see!!

So it IS what I’ve read in reality IS true…grief doesn’t change you it reveals you!!! Hmmmm and I believe I’m finally ok with this ☺️❤️

There you were big as life….hugging me so tightly and not letting go I couldn’t breathe! Then I woke up…and just as quickly could not breathe again! You were still gone……

I have read that it is really them visiting us in our dreams. Whether true or me just needing so desperately to see and feel him that it manifests him in my dream world. Whatever it is the feeling of his arms and tightness of his hug was tangible and real at that moment. I can still feel the warmth of his breath on my neck while he was squeezing me. Harsh reality then leaves such a deep aching emptiness.

There is an emptiness that words can’t adequately define. It’s as if there is no bone structure to support my frame. The skin that is left weighs 500 lbs and is pulling me to the ground. Just bowed over in anguishing grief.

I know I’m supposed to move on…let him go…count my blessings…remember the good times… be thankful I had him the 37 years he was here…but you know only a mother who has buried her child has the right to say those things to me!! Anyone else, well meaning as you are trying to be, you quite frankly cannot begin to understand….. and I pray you never do…this loss is one you simply cannot grasp.

So still I want every single night to retreat into that comforting dreamworld where he still exists and talks to me and hugs me with that sweet hug of my child💔

There is a sadness that defies all reasoning or logic. It’s as if your soul has ceased to be. No matter how many times you tell yourself to just stop..to just be normal again…to breathe….it’s there. There looming up to grasp your throat and squeeze til what little life is left has vanished…vanished as if it never existed at all.

Not being quite sure if this dark grimacing emotion began before my sons death, but certainly at his death it magnified exponentially or if it was there lurking on the perimeter long before I lost him, I can only surmise that there may have always been an underlying sadness in me. My dad had a sadness that ran deep as well. Perhaps it’s a genetic tendency or just a wry twist of fate. Fate can be cumbersome and harsh.

As a society it is not a comfortable subject..sadness. It is a conversation best left behind closed doors and preferably the doors of a therapist. During the last year there were far too many times that I, this ever so strong woman, either sat in my car or stood at the end of my dock with pills in hand and contemplated ending my life. Now there’s an uncomfortable subject. Not only sad but suicidal. Pain and heartache can become so intensely intolerable that there is just no where for it to go. When younger I always believed suicide to be such a selfish act. Now I’ve come to realize that the person has just reached the saturation limit with sadness and can literally not hold another minute ounce anywhere within them.

Sadness needs to be put right out there in the open and dealt with. Above all reach out to anyone that is sad. Don’t ignore it or for God’s sake the person. Belittling or speaking down to someone in the throes of grief and sadness could just push them over the edge. Preaching to or at them will further harm them. Love and support them. There are moments when even the tiniest gesture of care can save their life.

Loss and grief from loss, of any kind, can be debilitating. Just because a person appears strong and together does not mean they are.

So strange how alone you can feel even in the midst of a large noisy crowd of people.

It was in that midst of that noise I began to observe the people ..some I knew ..but most I did not. The faces..the body language …the vacuum so apparent in most of them. Perhaps just a reflection of my own visage. So much searching to belong to some one or some thing outside of ourselves. A connection to some thing greater than what we perceive ourselves to be ….appeared to be the goal anyway…..

A sadness swept over me as I stood there watching…observing …how lonely so many of us truly are. Always searching….. a spark to ignite a few hours of laughter or perhaps more for those unafraid to venture farther. A deeper connection with those you already know for a while longer….a while longer…

Seeing some numbers exchanged I smiled and thought of the slips with numbers I had thrown away in the past ..a few even that night. Numbers to connect later but shallow attempts at finding anyone to make them feel wanted or that they matter to anyone. Attempts that would just add to the feelings of loneliness later on

I’ve sat at bars waiting for friends to end their work shifts and watched those on their phones…rather than interacting with people it appears much easier to just get lost in social media and mistake that for being connected to others .,.to reality. Rather than strike up a conversation with those around us it’s just safer to stay embedded in the lost world of our phones. That proverbial never never land where nothing is required of us..,where we can stand outside and listen but nobody knows we are there. Throw out a “like” that says yes we connect with you and possibly affirm you without risk of vulnerability to ourselves. …Make an actual comment if we are a bit more drawn in but still without risk of really exposing ourselves. Or worse we turn off the identifying “dot” that lets anyone know we are searching…to truly just watch and listen in the shadows …

Are we so afraid of committing to anyone or anything that our unknowing isolation of ourselves has deceived us into believing that this is enough? Has our fear of rejection become so paralyzing that we hide behind a “thumbs up” to wait and see if there’s a reaction from anyone as to whether we say more? To know anyone might actually care what we have to say?

I’m not certain but it would seem that to be among the living would be better than the isolation of the artificial world of media where we can hide fearlessly.

We are all searching… to connect …to know we matter…to know we have purpose..to love and be loved…for human touch

It’s ok to search but life is not just about the search. It’s about the living in it…all the messy messy living in it..chest deep in it..my aching runs deep and dark and it’s messy but I choose to FEEL it and keep pushing….

Risk

Be vulnerable

Be fearless

Regrets? Let it be for a mistake that you learned from…Don’t let it be a regret for not ever trying….

This journey of life is short…LIVE it!!!!❤️❤️❤️

What is it about our hearts that just keep beating when we have given up? It would be so much easier if it just stopped! Just…stopped….beating!!!

Stopped the pain

Stopped the anguish

Stopped the feelings of not being good enough and that crushing abyss of darkness in loss

The emptiness of loss

The harsh isolation in abandonment

Please just STOP…..just stop…

the wondering if I EVER mattered

DID I ever matter?

Was ANY of it ever real? Or just MY illusion of love…..that fleeting butterfly I chase so ardently

Lost

Broken

Stop chasing fairytales

So much easier to just stop caring…no not easier, far from easier

Trusting too deeply

Childish naivety

Stop believing words..,empty meaningless words

So foolish

Stop the foolishness…stop trusting

Wanting desperately to know it was real…not my false delusional reality

But if it was real then it would have lasted …wouldn’t it?….wouldn’t it????

The pain is excruciating and that is oh SO real

So relentless it becomes paralyzing

Ahhh but a frozen heart cannot beat; therefore can no longer feel……no delusions…no reality…just icy numbness

Just bitter Arctic ice….cold and numb

Please….please……….

How lovely it would be to have a zipper in my chest. To simply unzip and remove my heart for a while. On those moments and days when it feels as though it simply cannot survive any more pain…..Just pop it into a ziploc bag and place it in the freezer til it becomes frozen solid and numb to anything or anyone ever again. I’m not sure if anyone has ever actually died from a broken heart but in that moment, that feels as if it will surely explode, it’s hard to imagine it will keep beating…keep feeling…keep aching. How can it continue to function in this turmoil of life..my life..my insanely messy life!? It remains to be seen….

I believe the numb and cold iciness might just be a preferable solace at this juncture. Hopefully this heart anguish will pass and I will once again become stronger, more determined and far less caring. I’m quite tired of being told what a strong woman I am ….do you ever feel that… I’m strong enough now , thank you very much, I really prefer not to be one iota stronger than I already am?? So it is with me in this chaotic brain of mine sitting here writing to the universe about heart issues. The universe appears to have forgotten me down here. I’m not sure of those vibrations I read about but mine must be in some archaic dissonant chord. It’s just not connecting properly to produce a complete harmony.

Numbness..no feeling ..no longer caring.. it may sound cynical, and perhaps it is, but cynical is where I find myself today. I’m not sure I can ever trust my heart to another soul again. Vulnerability may be a great thing but it has become far far too painful to continue in its path. Naive might be a better choice of words. Yes naive and far too trusting with my once soft heart. A heart that has trusted words instead of carefully listening to the actions. Hearing , I love you, but not seeing the outward acts of being there and what love really is truly meant to be. It will indeed take some serious chiseling to get through the ice I now am starting to feel. Once the rawness of this wound starts to heal and scar with it goes the trust and naivety of that gentle loving soul. The gentleness, blind trust and caring far too deeply that once ruled it, will be gone and buried deeply in the abyss that for the past few years has clawed at my soul pulling it ever into its blackness. Maybe just maybe it will find less pain there. It remains to be seen…

I hear your laughter out on the waters

I see your eyes in the blue of the sky

I hear your music in the laughter of children

Feel your hugs in the warmth of the sun

Your smile on the faces of your dearest friends

Your tears meld with mine as rain drops trickle down the window panes …how I wish I could have removed your hurts and disappointments

The bitter cold winds of winter are blowing strong now…how you hated the cold and winters often gray skies…as do I

Snow that once brought comforting quietness to me now brings with it the harsh reminder of what took you away…that icy chilling road

Losses that cut through my soul..many losses but none like the loss of you my precious son

I know there is life here…somewhere…my faith has finally wavered in trying to find this new, yet emptier life

Your presence was here everywhere today..as if you were trying to tell me something…show me something..show me you are still with me perhaps

The sun continues to rise and with each new day when those large fluffy white clouds appear in the brilliant sunshine I clearly see you, hear you and feel you near

Somehow show me how to live again. After this great loss I’m struggling to find where I fit and who I am without you here. I do know without a single doubt that is what you want for me. Happiness and to live and love again.

It’s coming and I feel certain it is you ever pushing and with laughter telling me, “Go for it mom just go for it!!” ❤️❤️❤️⚓️🎈and I will!😊

The quiet hush of falling snow

Softly blanketing my immediate world

Cold flakes descending onto my face

Footfalls that no one hears

Cold winds that cause tears to trickle onto my cheeks

The quietude and barren feel of the land is comforting and yet unsettling

Thoughts turn inward on this walk

Soul searching and longing within those thoughts turning to dreams yet to be realized

There’s a foggy mist on the horizon obscuring what lay beyond

Is this reality or indeed one of my nightly dream sequences? They both feel so real and tangible and meld together

Winds dislodge a loose branch and it falls to the ground in front of me barely making a sound as it hits the white blanket

Perhaps this is a dream…perhaps life is but a dream…one of the longer ones that are not remembered once awakened

Not one of the dreams that are so real and so welcomed…those that once jarred awake are immediately remembered and tears flow trying to go back to sleep to recapture what was happening and who was there….the loss that sucks out all air when realization hits …it was just a dream..and nothing more…a dream that can’t be recaptured any more so than life’s passing moments can be held onto

Biting cold brings me back to the walk and the surroundings. What is beyond that growing foggy mist ahead on the horizon? A jolt of sudden fear takes hold…a foreboding sense of dread trying to creep in and destroy what started as a head clearing walk to just enjoy the soft white blanket and calming quiet

Throwing all rationale to the side I plunge ahead into that foggy mist……not seeing more than the next step…just one more step..then another…the beautiful walk in the quiet snow that was to focus me and create some kind of sense from the things whirling about me has become chaotic and disturbing, just as life has become for me..ahhhh therein is the reality of life…it’s about walking into the unknown and taking just the next step…then one more..

The startling sound I hear is somehow familiar ….my alarm .. bringing me abruptly awake …the soft white down comforter feels secure and warm not cold and foreboding…yet another dream leaving more questions than answers..a quiet snow is falling outside..sitting up with feet firmly on the floor…I take a step …then one more….maybe I’ll go take a walk in the falling snow…..

As I sit looking out on the misty river this morning the tears are relentless. Thanksgiving week is by far the hardest along with the black month of March. He sat and laughed and joked with me while I cooked for so many years. Tears those days were breathtaking and side splitting! Few have ever made me laugh the way he did. I never dreamed there would be a day on this earth without him to send me into hysterical laughter💔. We never fathom that our children will not be here. Some things time does NOT heal!

Being a waterman he would love my new home. I can’t look out on the river and not think about how much he would enjoy this access. The dark places in my heart are only brightened by the glimmers that he is somehow here watching and smiling on us. Not knowing for sure that it’s possible I hang on to the belief that it is. I’m pretty sure that everyone who has lost a loved one feels this way. That there’s moments when we feel them so strongly that it must be a part of their essence here with us. Friends tire of us talking about them but it doesn’t stop our need to express our hearts. It somehow makes them be alive, at least for a small moment, to say their name and really feel them near!

This journey of life is brutal at times remembering what is lost. Trying valiantly to move toward happiness and remembering the funny amazing man my son was, and still is, in my heart and soul. Forever missed I love you buddy. Somehow I know you are here with me on this misty chilly morning.

The sounds of the sea beckon me

Waves crashing and pulling me to succumb to their power

The never ending tide

My soul is ever connected to its force

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Cold and dark the abyss awaits

Welcoming the feeling of numbness, like Icarus to the sun, I am propelled

Cold and motionless.. my sun is eclipsed in the depths of the sea

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Where there is no love or touch there is no life to spark living

Is God there in the abyss? Perhaps….but there is no sound, no voice, no home, only darkness

Life is but a stage, says Shakespeare, but I do not care for the role in which I have been cast

Yes, I am but a player or just a pawn

It is but a game

…..and the waves crash in and roll out

Ever searching, ever longing, my soul cries out

Anguish too deep to fathom for the weak and a pain so deep it slices to my core

The deep of the sea pulls and tears at me to come

Stop fighting my pull it screams

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Why do I fight when there is nothing any longer to gain ?

To what end is survival or it’s meaning?

Again, there is no touch to warrant that fight now

Tired and worn down the pull is too great

The water is cool and numbing with no judgement or thoughts to hold onto

Floating, motionless for what did I wait? It is but rhetorical

…and the waves crashed in and rolled out