One foot in front of the other….one foot in front of the other…one foot in front of the other… I’m tired of doing this…I don’t want to do this any more…

It feels like meditating and and trying to quiet that monkey mind…breathe in.. breathe out..breathe in (did I call that client back, is the zoom at 1:00 today…oh wait) breathe in…breathe out…focus..focus (was that birthday gift ordered…is there food for tonight’s dinner..ugh stop) breathe 1..breathe 2..in 1..out 2….I CANT do this right now!! Why can’t I DO this..too much in there to quiet..but that’s the point..stop! Will I evvver stop and be happy..stop waiting for this sadness to end…stop searching for SOMETHING..? For life to change and all the broken pieces to fall into place…

Ever felt like this trying to sit still and quiet the mind? It feels like a million pieces of glass from a million different places clanking around in there. I’ve written about our life mosaics and their beauty unfolding as each new episode of our story reveals itself. Those are events minute and enormous that define us and our journey. It is however the kaleidoscope of our minds that make up everyday living and feeling. All those hundreds of pieces of glass clanking and reshaping forming a different pattern with every turn. I think of the beautiful pieces of sea glass I’ve seen..coming from something totally broken then tossed and tossed in waves (waves of uncertainty?) to have the edges polished smooth from the constant pounding into a thing of beauty ..beauty we collect and prize.

This search, this unrelenting need, to find contentment, happiness and joy always leads to the same conclusion (and I have stacks of books I’ve read and or am reading..including 100’s of Utube hours on thoughts, vibrations, you name it) it’s myyyy choice what I choose to believe and think about life..my life. Man that monkey mind is off and running keeping me off center, off focus and off just off.

In 1…out 2…in 1…out 2

Keep turning that kaleidoscope and if you aren’t happy with that one just turn it again. Yes, focus is a tough one…but keep breathing in and out…keep turning that beautiful kaleidoscope of your mind..keep remembering it’s the journey of life that’s the treasure…aren’t all those broken pieces of glass beautiful?🥰

Continue reading “Changing Kaleidoscopes” →

Another year came and went….each appears to zip by even faster than the one prior. The passage of time and our perceptions of this journey of life and why we are here cross my mind much more frequently these days.

Perceptions…the ability to see, hear or become aware of something through the senses. Oxfords definition.

The way you think about or understand someone or something. Merriam-Webster definition.

Thoughts..how we think about something or someone…everything begins with our thoughts. Countless books are available about our thoughts..our mind..definitely not a new concept.

“As a man thinks..so is he.” Proverbs 23:7. King Solomon wrote those words sometime during his reign between 970-930 BC., he was noted to be the wisest man to ever live. James Allen’s book, “As A Man Thinketh”, based on that passage, was the first book I ever read to start my process of beginning to understand how our thoughts control every aspect of our lives. Learning to control our mind rather than it controlling us is not an easy task. Hardwired from childhood with, “shoulds”, “not good enough”, “you know better than that”, followed at times by, “what were you thinking?”. These childhood tapes run through our minds constantly and to change those ruts in our brain requires intense work. Sounds simple right? Think better…do better. Every self help book I have read (in the past decade far more than you can imagine) all go back to the work on our thoughts of who we are…what do we THINK about ourselves. Negative thoughts literally are killing us. Our perceptions of who we are and about our lives begins in those thoughts.

Change is possible…the brain can be rewired…our perceptions of the passing of time and what we do with it based on those thoughts is up to us.

Whatever beliefs or perceptions you have about yourself and your life…decide are they really true…hundreds of books are waiting to be read to jump start that journey…the passage of time…your life journey…be kind to yourself….it’s short…another year will zip past make it a great one. THINK about it❤️

I THINK I can sleep now that I have unloaded these THOUGHTS 😊 Love your journey!

Tonight as I sat and read of the horrific tornados ripping through and around the area of the Mid-South where I grew up, I cried bitterly at the loss of life, injuries and those trapped in debris.

It’s Christmas time and the joy was suddenly eluding me. As I have asked, frequently in the last 6 1/2 years…where was God? Why does He allow these things to happen?

Since a very small child I have been taught that God is in control… He rides and directs the storms… not only the turbulent weather storms but our life storms as well….where was He? Where is He when small children lose their parents or worse are tragically abused by them?? I have no answers as I sit here by my beautifully lit Christmas tree and a cozy fire. The tears are still flowing for the pain and loss those dear people are enduring … pain that will not subside ever. Buildings can be rebuilt but not the agony in human loss. Some things time does not heal..ever. Why am I allowed to sit here in the light and warmth as they have been plunged into darkness and howling winds of destruction? I don’t understand!

Never question God is what I was taught. Truthfully I believe it’s not good to be taught that because I believe to my core He gets it and understands when our souls cry out in anguish.

No I have no answers on this very late and cold night just 2 weeks before Christmas as to why any of it happens. This is a very broken world we live in and it is what Christmas is about..why He came…why He sacrificed…why He loved and loves us so much. His heart grieves with us I know. I still can’t understand on any level why He allows any of it…but I DO know we are loved unconditionally by the creator of our universe and, though it doesn’t feel like it on these nights, He IS in control.

My struggle with faith in these moments is very real and my heart breaks but it is what makes this journey called life bearable…knowing that even when I question and doubt He is there bottling my tears and holding my heart. Tonight He is holding the many hearts across the Mid-South as they struggle to understand. My prayers are with them too…💔….there are simply things too deep for my human mind to comprehend…

On this pre dawn, chilly late October morning the sky and water are still dark. Stepping out onto my deck, barefoot, still in my pajamas with a hot coffee, mostly to warm my hands, I soak in the stillness. Slowly the horizon is turning pink purple. Within a few minutes that breathtaking shade of red orange begins to paint the sky, then the water and everything I see. It’s really too cool out here to be barefoot. Going inside to get slippers is not an option though because in seconds the masterpiece unfolding before me will change far too quickly to risk stepping away. It’s as if the birds are singing a hallelujah chorus summoning and welcoming this day. To say I’m mesmerized by the sheer majesty of this moment is such an understatement. If hearts could explode in gratefulness and gratitude mine would surely rupture right now.

Dark moments of the last few years when I honestly considered taking my life in some very bleak and hopeless moments seem like a melancholy movie I observed now. Blessed beyond measure to have this absolute peace and contentment in this water front home I have been gifted. To fully see and meld into true tranquility…what joy.

My home is a rental in a piece of a hundred year old house. Many quirks in a place this old but the river, ahhh the river…my soul is quiet and happy this morning…perhaps the most so in over 6 years. Yes blessed beyond measure and oh so grateful for these sunrises.❤️

Life’s journey has many losses and pain but I chose to find the lesson in that story…my story…it has a purpose I’m sure. Joy has come in the dawn of this special beauty this morning. I’m at peace ❤️❤️ I pray that same peaceful joy to you.

Today is my sons birthday. Over the last 6 years I have wondered many times what his life would have been had that accident not taken him from our lives. If in those last moments he had not turned onto that icy road and taken another route home. How very different all our lives would be today. Those decisions whether long range or in an instant thought…how they affect everyone in our sphere.

In my usual pondering spot here on the water today I feel neither sad nor happy…just in a state of being and thinking. Wondering, not obsessively, just playing the spin of…if this…then that. What if??

Many many things I have learned about myself, in this time frame, that I would never have learned otherwise. How very fragile and short life is…take no day or minute for granted. Be present in every moment even if it’s just sitting and looking at the beautiful sky and water. Be there..in it…I realized how difficult that is for me to do. Also learning not to take everyone’s opinion of my life to heart when it comes to doing what I feel is best for me and it’s ok to feel what I feel.

Loss changes you..some for the better..some not so great..in learning to take the not so great and turn it around you find something in there that resonates with your heart and a way to understand yourself better. Perhaps the “not so great” really is great after all. It’s you on every level that needs to be heard…

This roller coaster journey called life is taking all the pieces, good and otherwise, and creating the beautiful mosaic that is us. Sometimes it’s a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors as well. My son’s life mosaic is beautiful and I remember all those pieces of him today that created it…happy birthday Jonathan…I miss you and wish your mosaic could have continued to grow ….❤️❤️

Two roads diverged in the wood and I…I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

One of my two favorite poems by Robert Frost. There are times when we take that road that others simply do not understand. The less popular way than that we have been taught is correct and acceptable and it makes others extremely uncomfortable with us.

Most of my life I have taken the road less traveled. When I have tried to conform and be what others wanted or expected it simply resulted in heart ache and uncertainty. On numerous occasions I told my counselor I felt like a tiger at the zoo pacing her cage relentlessly looking for escape. Notedly the escape has always been from myself. After being in the box of conformity for so long..your family and friends will not understand when you once again bolt down that road less taken for the mystery of the unknown..,

The unknown with its risks and twists is far more alive than the mundane day after day of the exact sameness of merely existing. There have been moments that I have lamented the fact that I wish I could be content and happy to just do a 9 to 5 job and go home, rinse and repeat..accept that’s life and go on…I cannot do it. What is the saying about insanity…doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome?….thus here I sit in the unknown.

There is definitely no sameness in my days but there is so much excitement in finding the next step ahead as it presents itself. Oh there are nights I cry myself to sleep wondering if I was meant to be alone forever…but I’m putting my fears aside and myself out there to tackle and conquer what life I have left. There is nothing we cannot do if we put our minds to it. It’s getting that mindset in sync with our true selves that can be the challenge. Get the mind on board and the rest follows. Unknown things can be frightening but putting the fear aside it is also rewarding and the possibilities endless.

So much of life and truly living is avoided with our fears of failure…but without failure we can learn nothing. This journey called life is mostly of our choosing…choose to be alive and not fear failure or the unknown. Take a deep breath and go live ❤️

Reflecting during this solemn and emotional week leading up to the day my world exploded… I’ve been reminded of so many memories from his life here and memories of the past 6 years with the bonds that have formed more tightly than they were even before his death. The changes in many ways that would not have been had he stayed with us. It feels odd the way life turns in an instant and all is not as it was just 5 minutes before. In rereading a poem one of his dear friends wrote a few days after the accident one line just kept bringing me back to it. He heard the sounds of a thousand hearts breaking….

That is so very poignant ….because the sound was almost audible.

We get so caught up in our jobs and how much money we make ..what cars we drive..the size of our houses..fashion and all the fluff of life. Our clients and meeting their expectations. All those things coupled with bills to pay…health concerns ..aging..I forget to stop and put it all in eternal perspective. Our journey here on this earth is but a blip on the screen and no more. All we truly have is today and it’s racing past us quickly. We need to stop and really see and hear the people we love and care about..and who love and care about us..and those who need to hear something positive in their hurting hearts.

Tonight I sat and read some things his friends had written and they brought the tears…the sweet kind of tears… in seeing how much they too loved him. He blessed a lot of lives in his 37 years.

Friends have reached out the last couple of days, as they too are feeling the sadness of loss. I felt so absolutely lost today and reached out for that tight hug of reassurance that few can give me. It was like an injection of pain meds in the way it calmed my hurting heart. Forever grateful and blessed beyond measure.

This journey of life is not about stuff but about people and their souls connecting. In asking for a hug today I said I needed to feel that connection. I believe if we are all honest, with ourselves mostly, we desperately need to feel a connection to do more than exist. Connect by physical touch.. to live.. to breathe..to feel..to love..to dance….to create..to hear the music of our souls.

Yes, my heart aches to hold my child but more to feel my connection to him that was severed abruptly on that icy road 6 years ago. The emotional bond of motherhood will never be gone. It’s the physical connection that our hearts and souls yearn for I’m convinced is necessary to travel this journey called life,

When you need a hug…ask for it…best drug you could ever have.❤️

Hurry up I’m waiting on you…his voice trailed off in the mist…that faint giggle resonating down the foggy path.,.

Right here behind you …where did you go? In the heavy darkness and mist I can’t see you now.

Not far ahead of you, come on! Would you just hurry up please? You’re going to love this it’s so beautiful…

Somehow I’ve gotten off the path. I think I’m lost …keep talking so I know the way…can’t see or hear you now…I’m definitely lost!

Waking up with a start the alarm sounds so foreign…what is that noise? Waiting for the pounding in my chest to slow I realize all too well that familiar ache…lost, just lost. That same dream once again.

In the now 6 years since my sons fatal accident this dream haunts me. On occasion I actually see, talk to him and hug him but mostly searching in a mist. His laughter and urging me on to follow him…but I can’t see him or find my way. Loss affects us all in different ways at different times. It’s the lost feeling of emptiness and something we can’t control or change. Always searching but lost….lost is such an abysmal feeling..which way to turn..what to feel..what to think or do…

A tempest of emotions with confusion turning to raging anger in a split second. None of which we can stop..only how we choose to react to that loss of control.

Choosing..therein lies the turning point..some days choosing life and sunshine is easier but most of the time my choice seems to turn in a downward spiral. Depression…maybe. Grief..definitely. Needing to let go…absolutely.

Letting go means so many things. I truly believe there is a fear when you’ve lost someone that if you let go of them it’s wrong. It’s somehow not ok to feel happiness and guilt stops us from attempting to be whole again. Perhaps not whole, as a huge piece of us is missing, but fully functioning. There’s a fear also that others will forget him..forget he lived and laughed and loved. He was larger than life for so many…I don’t want them to forget him. They won’t…they won’t.

Such a work in progress in the healing of losing Jonathan. Just saying his name feels healing somehow. When you talk to someone who has lost their child..speak their name..it’s healing ..it’s remembering..

Another small step in the healing on my journey of life. Life and loss both exist side by side. It’s how we choose to react when encountering each of them that makes or breaks us.

As I return to the possibility of another dream…I’m choosing life regardless of how heavy the mist or how bright the sunshine.❤️perhaps more healing is eminent.

Ironic I had just finished writing a little piece on creative chaos and my daughter sent a picture of my 2 year old granddaughter. She was wearing a sun hat, had her toy computer perched atop the kitchen trash can and apparently was writing away. Jokingly I shot back, “trash can compositions..what life is made of”.

How profoundly truthful that statement rung out with me…our life…our composition.. we can take what we consider to be our trash…and create such a beautiful composition!! It really is our choice …to remove those broken pieces we chunked into the trash thinking it was worthless… to start again with Gods gorilla glue..to begin to piece them together,..a stained glass composition that allows the bright sun to shine through. A light of color and life perhaps for others also to see that beauty can come from our broken pieces.

Ohhh this journey called life is filled with the trash we think is worthless but such beauty is to be found in piecing our broken pieces together….creating something new..something we never before could have imagined ❤️❤️🎨

On this bright sunny Sunday morning I am on the pillow ladened day bed that resides in the corner of my art studio. Sun is beaming through the windows, sliding door and skylights. Truly basking in this profusion of warmth and light I look around at the canvases, some painted and others waiting for life to be given. What joy this creative chaos brings to me. Paints, books, seashells, a plant anxiously waiting to go back on my deck….trinkets here and there…it fills my heart with contentment and pure love.

There is no coincidence that I sat down in here to enjoy the light at just this moment and remembered the online services at my church. These moments when I hear words that speak such life…not unlike these blank canvases waiting for color and life to be given to them from a creator of color and joy and life. Don’t you just love these coincidences? There are jars, cups and pottery filled with various sizes of brushes awaiting the hand of a creator to pick them up and take hold to unleash what purpose they were created for….adding life and color to some void surface.

Aren’t we all like these brushes…waiting to be used for the purpose for which we were created? Yes there is much chaos in this studio, much like my life, but there is also so much joy. Joy waiting to burst out in brilliant light and color….endless beauty….

What spark is there inside of you just waiting for a burst of joyous color to erupt onto your canvas of life? Perhaps it’s time for you, as well as me, to allow our creator to pick us up and allow Him to paint on our journey of life that purpose for which we were created.🎨🎨🙌…beauty in the creative chaos…