As I get home from work nearing 7:00pm, it is so nice to have sunlight longer especially on these mostly warm days. It’s been a bit too long since I’ve been able to get to my dock sanctuary to breathe.

The transition to learning to be alone with myself has been made much easier having the “dock time”. Winter months are quite a bit more difficult to navigate. Early May here in Maryland has big shifts in temperatures. Today is exceptionally warm and beautiful. I sped home to get to the dock while the sun was still out.

Isolating out the cooing doves, along with the lapping water sounds is so soothing. Complete chaos is my life at the present time…but out here all is right with the world.

Our little company, Beach-Zen, has been so rewarding to see begin to flourish. It’s “Zen” feeling is great to be able to share some calmness with those in need of a respite from today’s continuous bombardment of bad news everywhere. I wish everyone a place like this to escape to…to stop and breathe for a few moments. To remember there ARE places we can just listen to birds and be. Life’s journey is about now, right now, in this place to find a spot…a breath…just an isolated moment…breathe…

Look up at the skies …feel the sun on your face…this moment is fleeting… I wish you calm as you find your place of “Zen” to be.❤️❤️❤️🪷🪷🪷

We have all heard the old saying, “we just aren’t on the same page”, or, “ time to write a new chapter in your life”.

There are many life lessons to be learned in each of those phases. Sometimes the lessons are joyful and rewarding and other times they leave us devastated and beyond a grief we cannot fathom ever recovering from.

Pages are somewhat easily turned. Those moments when there’s just something that isn’t quite right for us and we realize it’s time to move to the next page. At times I’ve dog eared those pages, so to speak, thinking maybe just maybe I’d come back to them. A do over of sorts. That never really comes about and we just go back to reading and often rereading the pages before we start to write again.

Chapters are a bit more soul searching. Our grade school years are some of those. Fortunately I was blessed living in a small southern town and allowed the opportunity to go from first grade through senior year with most of the same kids. Friendship bonds that are tight and strong. Though not seeing them often I know they are there. I can pick up my phone and speak with them as if we never missed a day apart. Even so, as senior year ended the next chapter began. Some bad life choices caused many new chapters to be written and ended over the course of the next 3 decades. Failed marriages, the birth of 3 children and tragically the loss of my oldest child. That loss is a chapter that was brutally closed without choice. I’d like to believe I learned many lessons from those chapters of my life…perhaps I learned more than I realize…I don’t feel particularly more wise or astute in my thinking or decision processes.

Books are the toughest of all to continue writing and reading then rereading…perhaps we missed something along the way…I’m quite sure I have. There are places I adamantly need to close the book. Those things that are so draining and completely exhausting that just need to end. Yet I linger hoping against hope that things will change for the better. That person, that job, that relationship and the repeated habits…they need to change and only we can change ourselves in each of them.

So before our final life book is closed on this plain it is worth pondering as to which lesson we may be in the midst of…a page, a chapter or a book.. what are we meant to learn from each of them. Some days the little things feel so overwhelming til the giant things come along blowing us out of the water ..we never saw them coming… Those epic, “War and Peace”, size books. Those books that teach us lessons we didn’t want to learn. Strength we didn’t understand that we had…that exhausting strength we never wanted to have. Yet, we learn and keep moving ….one second, one minute, one day… just pages of a day in the life…our life.

Wherever you find yourself today sweet friend know you are not alone in your life lessons…turn the page, write the next chapter. Live it to the fullest and when necessary close the book and move on.

This journey called life, our life, IS one epic journey…keep writing and reading. Do rewrites when needed. Above all, live every one to the fullest before the big book is closed. NO regrets! ❤️❤️❤️

“We are given only a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.” Robin Williams

As I sit here after 2:00am, in the beginning hours of New Year’s Eve, sleep eludes me.

Upon opening WordPress I found this quote from Robin Williams, I had jotted down over a year ago. There definitely are no coincidences. Over the past several years, perhaps decades, I lost myself somewhere along the way….that spark of madness so to speak…where I found life funny and curiously interesting..that spark that found laughter everywhere…my spark was lost. Not overnight but slowly and steadily burned dimmer and dimmer til I no longer felt it.

Having not felt well the past few weeks there has been hours of staring at the ceiling and wondering where I am headed…directionless…yes directionless best describes my present state of being. That childlike faith that sees simplicity in all things… not looking for deeper meaning…just being in the moment…the funny and happy moment of now….where direction wasn’t considered. Now as an adult I think I need that back. We definitely need to have a clue about our future but maybe..just maybe it’s ok to not have it all figured out. Stop beating our heads against the wall with worry over everything.

Not sure where I’m going with all this but I truly believe that if life is really what we make it…then…there is hope that it can turn around and be better. That we can find our way back to that innocent enjoyment of today…just today. Faith that tomorrow will take care of itself…faith…faith that was also lost with that spark of madness…

Moving into 2023, faith will be my word…faith that it’s ok to just be and breathe…faith that I will once again find that laughter that was lost…faith that things will indeed turn around..faith…just faith. Simplicity in knowing that’s really all any of us need…faith.

My prayer for all of us in 2023 is that we all find our direction in a child like innocent faith that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow..that today we will breathe..and find our spark of madness once again. After all, life’s journey is about the madness of finding the laughter everywhere even when we don’t understand it. ❤️

Have you ever felt just so frustrated with everything in your life?….people….lack of work…anxiety that seems to always be lurking…where to turn..what to let go….a mind that is absolutely relentless ???? And on it goes….

Key to all of these frustrations is where does it all stem from? Perhaps a lack of faith …in God…in the universe…in friends…most importantly though in ourselves. Faith that we can actually pull through to get to a calmer more accepting kinder view of ourselves and our world…not the planet but our small microcosm where we reside …sometimes strictly in our heads.

Listening to a meditation site this morning it was about decluttering our spaces and more importantly our view of ourselves…letting go of stuff that no longer serves us…material things but more so mentally. Does this serve me with what I want in my life? Yikes, that was not what I wanted to hear….I’d have to actually look at difficult things I’d really rather not address.

Do I have the faith in myself to actually let go of the things that really no longer benefit my life in a positive way…to step back and take a very deep look within and let it all go…material things…mental blocks…people that I allow to take away my joy…fears that I can’t do this …way too scary thoughts!

Yes faith in myself to truly let go of sadness and anything that sucks the wind out of my sails. To take a hard core look at the closet in my head and weed it down to a smaller more manageable place where I can live and love more simply….without constant angst….alllll thatttt cluttter!

There still is no clear cut answer here but to simply start the process of decluttering…first in my mind…then who knows maybe my actual closet🤔

In all things to have faith in what is really important and let go of the things that are not adding to but draining my life source. The fact that this has surfaced repeatedly says it deserves a deeper look….

It’s a start and that is all I can ask of myself today..just start. This journey of life is difficult a lot of days but find joy SOMEWHERE every day and the frustrations seem a bit less daunting.❤️

Maybe even start in the closet…or maybe not 😊

At the end of a 2-day art show a few weeks ago it started to rain. As the rain grew harder we began packing things up more quickly. Some sea shell necklaces were hurriedly dropped into a bag without separating them into their individual small ones. That mistake will not happen again… most of the chains were pulled apart but 3 of them twisted and tumbled into one huge knot!

As I sat for multiple attempts to untangle this jumble of chains I became more and more frustrated. It felt like the harder I tried to make sense of the mess and untangle it the worse it got. Man, was there a life lesson in that one…😣 I concluded that tangled mess was like my life. I was ready to pitch it all in the trash…but this little piqued piece of my mind kept thinking just one more pull in the right direction and it would unravel..just keep trying..

How much time I have spent trying to untangle this mess I tend to create of my life. There are days and months I want to just give up and chunk it all in the trash. Then this still small voice says just one more time..just one more pull in the right direction…it will untangle and make sense. There will be individual pieces of beauty there. Just keep working at it.

I confess there are times I just do not want to try again..to work things loose..to pursue the other side of the mess..this tangled mess. I don’t want to hear that voice. I just want it to go away! But…then I pick up the piece and try once again. Admittedly my tangled mess is still here..riiigght here..staring me down. Tomorrow I will pick up the piece and try once again…

It’s exhausting to say the least to keep plugging and pushing and sometimes I have to stop. Walk away. Take a break. Rest. You know, breathe.

Tonight my 3 chains did indeed become 3 individual pieces…I came close to a hammer last night. Thennnn walked away. Gave it 24 hours. One more time..one more pull ..one more breath..one more step….they broke free❤️

Keep plugging my friends…one more breath…one more step…one more minute…this journey called life can certainly feel like one big tangled up ball of chains …but we know Who can break those chains don’t we?

My tangled up life may never be completely separated into tidy little pieces but then it might be too boring…who knows…maybe I’ll just write about it ❤️

It suddenly struck me in the last 2 weeks just how blindly I follow Waze. Even when I know where I’m going I plug into it for traffic and police locations. Turn here and I turn. Without thought just following the next step. Saturday it didn’t seem to know where I was orrr exactly where I was going. New construction areas that it didn’t recognize. You have arrived and I was at a Wendy’s with no house in sight.

Blindly and without question I follow a man made app and yet I question everything God is doing. In the case of the last week what He is not doing. Hopeless then angry because I’m not being shown beyond the next turn when I want answers for my future which feels extremely bleak right now. Why is it so difficult to trust God the creator of the universe who always knows where I am and where I’m going without fail but have no problem in trusting my phone to show me the way?

My daughter and I lamented the way the world is going in a conversation earlier tonight. Why some people seem to have no thought about telling you they will do something then never follow through with it…kinda the way I’ve told God I would do something and never do it.

Yes some real eye openers this last week in my lack of faith in the only thing that is faith worthy…God. Odd that a driving app would stop me in my tracks to take a hard look at my responses to truth and unwavering love and direction from true North.

This week I will endeavor to not be so frustrated when I hear God clearly saying detour ahead rerouting or hazard in the road ahead. Definitely there is the overwhelming need to know more of my story but I will step back and breathe…then turn right at the next light😊🚧⚠️pay closer attention to His direction and enjoy the ride.

Have a great week ahead…breathe…don’t get shook when you’re rerouted.❤️life’s journey can be one big reroute…enjoy the detour!

Take a moment..stop and smell the roses. We’ve all heard that saying but there are times in life when there just doesn’t seem to be a rose anywhere in sight. No breathing place to land.

As I was rushing frantically between appointments last week the traffic jammed so badly my gps rerouted me on some back roads around the DC area that I had never seen before. It was this uncanny back road that was so beautiful with the riot of colors in the surrounding trees. That there could be this place of breathtaking beauty and quiet in the chaotic DC corridor blew me away. Oddly I was the only one on this idyllic road and it felt like I had jumped some time warp. Suddenly the urgency of arriving to the next place took a backseat and I slowed to take it all in. My soul desperately needed that moment of quiet beauty to breathe in.

How many times do we in our haste of living forget to actually see what is all around us. Did it make my life circumstances any better…absolutely not…but for just that brief few minutes time stood still..I stepped out of myself and took a beat to see the good. It was what I call my Camelot moments..one brief shining moment..

Reality quickly sets in but this next week I will look for Camelot a bit more. My constant state of fear and surviving another day will still be there in all its overwhelming force but I will try a little harder to find that illusive rose…

It’s there I’m just sure of it….enjoy your week and look for your roses ❤️🌹

As a small child I was mesmerized with tops. The old wood ones that had a string wrapped around them and when pulled appropriately it would spin effortlessly and colors melded beautifully together. If the string wasn’t wound correctly it resulted in either a complete falling over or at best a severely wobbling spin. Even when the string may have been on perfectly if the execution of pulling the string wasn’t in-sync the result was much the same.. wobbling.

Funny how life can be like that old wood top. Even if our strings are wound correctly (doing everything we possibly can when we are supposed to) if we don’t pull correctly (our attitudes or misconceptions of things) we wobble out of control.

Just like those old tops we pick it up and rewind hoping this time to wind it correctly, adjusting where needed and pull it again hoping for that beautiful melding of colors as we watch a perfect spin.

If it were possible in this journey of life to get a perfect spin it would be great; however, this life is not perfect on any level. It is our perceiving that needs adjustment to see reality as it is ..not as we wish it was..realizing that perfection is not obtainable. To stop and breathe… simply breathe. We were never intended in this life to be perfect or live in perfect spinning sync all the time.

Attitude adjustments sometimes by the minute are in order to not only thrive but some moments to just survive. Here’s to all of us who are continually picking it back up, rewinding our strings and once again attempting a perfect pull. We all need to remember that even when we are wobbling, or even falling over into a skid across the floor, those beautiful colors are still there even when we can’t seem to see them.

Wishing you a perfect pull today ❤️❤️

Sun starting it’s descent

Warm breeze flowing through my hair

A lawnmower cranks a few houses down

Speed boat in the distance

Water lapping against the dock

A fish splashed near me

Sounds of birds bidding the day goodnight

Last sun rays coloring the clouds

Children’s laughter down the river

Cicadas starting their evening symphony

This…this haven by the river

The river gently moving in and out of the Chesapeake

Prop plane hums overhead

My calming cooing doves

These warm evenings by the water will soon turn cool and a sweater will be needed. Leaves will begin their riot of breathtaking beauty…but tonight I will enjoy the warm breezes and sounds …summer nights drawing to a close…autumn’s glory and chill taking over too soon.

Yes…I am a summer water woman to my core…decades of summer nights passing far too quickly…. bittersweet memories…

This journey called life has such beauty. Enjoy every last drop of your summer evenings..,they pass quickly…don’t miss one ❤️

When life makes no sense…when God makes no sense…

Just when things might possibly be getting better..a glimmer of hope…then blindsided from yet another direction…prayers seem to hit the ceiling then crash back down on your head….

How much loss can you take …how can there possibly be more tears erupting from your soul…the empty aching soul.

There are no answers ..when God is silent…just silent…He is there I’m just sure of it..but oh so silent.

Sometimes there are just no answers. One step at a time is not even possible. When the next breath seems impossible how can there be a step…still no answers…

For the first time in 3 years I cannot even find a shred of solace in my water sanctuary. Last night it was empty just empty. This morning more loss and pain compounded the emptiness. Looking at this beautiful blue sky and the sun sparkling across this water…nothing…serenity is not to be found ..

My soul feels only chaos, loss and desolation. On this day I’m not sure why the sun is shining when within it is dark, tumultuous and dying.

I should be painting…looking for work…moving…in any direction and searching for the good..yet here I sit paralyzed in fear and now today more anguishing grief.

Where ARE you God? I know you are there SOMEwhere…watching but still so silent….soooo silent.

Presently I see no answers….anywhere…no relief in sight…todays loss there IS no relief possible…the other issues remain…

There must be some good out there but today, as with the past weeks, it is lost in the shadows.

This journey of life is certainly ever changing…bad choices of the past that must be dealt with…aching losses that you have zero control over…searching to find a place to simply breathe.

There are absolutely no answers or directions right now..,so for today..,just today..,this hour…this minute..perhaps just this second…I will stop striving…stop thinking…just one breath ..then one more breath…today I will just be…let go….wait for God to show up…praying and hoping today is that day the silence is broken.

If any of you are feeling any of these things…one breath..then one more…I feel your hurts…your angst…the sun is there …the blue skies…not in the visual scope but your souls depths …it IS there I promise

Until there are answers and directions ..,keep breathing.., you are loved…love does not pay the bills or replace the losses..but it is what we have to give and share…keep life tolerable in our dark nights of the soul… I send you love today as always❤️🪷🪷