There’s something about the dying and death of those close to us, either now or in our past. I’ve sat and pondered what I would say to them. So many many thoughts race through my mind. Even to those who have hurt us deeply there is a sense of deep connection that needs to be set right. That passage of our hearts time spent with them that needs to speak. It doesn’t really matter if they want to hear from us or not…our hearts healing that depends on us and our emotional well being needs to be spoken…even if just out loud to ourselves.

Forgiveness…for them…for ourselves..for wrongs that were real or perceived …that unspoken space that needs to be crossed…crossed and dealt with on a multitude of levels. I have been crossing that space the last month in dealing with inner work to heal. Our hearts healing depends on forgiveness.

I just shared with one of my daughters that the forgiving of myself is by far the hardest of all. Coming to terms with yes, I did the best I could with what I had to give.

We beat ourselves up far too easily for so many things. It’s definitely a work in progress. But today I have chosen to forgive. To forgive…let go…move on where possible…to be..to breathe…to just be.

If there is someone that needs to be released by your forgiveness today…do it…if you need to tell them…do it…if they are gone….sit quietly and release them with the gift of forgiveness…for them but mostly for you. Don’t let that small ache inside you grow another day. Let. It. Go.

Sending you love and light this afternoon. This journey called life is beautiful..even in the hard places…we learn and love and live…it is all beautiful. Much love dear friends.❤️ Namaste🪷

As I am sitting on a train at Penn Station in NYC, waiting to travel further north, I can’t help but wonder at the activity that is whirling around all above me.

Years of coming to the city to see the lights at Rockefeller Center and all the holiday hot spots were breathtaking and just plain fun in the cold crisp air of December. Remembering those years before life changed. The year my son actually came up here and was not a fan of the pulsing city life that seemed to overwhelm him with all the crowds and chaos. I’m still glad he he got to experience the city even though he never wanted to come back.

New York is quite the experience for us all. Being the eternal energizer bunny, I thrive in this symphony of sounds, scents and ever moving throngs of people. My energy is finally met here and matched. One of the few places on earth nobody is telling me to speak more slowly or to calm down. Yes, it suites me. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting by my ocean and rivers just breathing that in as well. There is something about this city that speaks to my restless heart and I come alive here.

Even in the maddening masses though, there can be a sense of calm. The “zen” of the city so to speak. No matter where you live or visit you can find your center, your source. Whether, like my son, you prefer a slower pace or like my ongoing never ending motion, the energy of the city. Either way take a beat and be present wherever you land.

It’s in those ah-ha moments that you suddenly see life and the living while remembering the past moments that are filed away in your heart forever.

This holiday season remember those treasured times from your past but don’t forget to live as well.

And the train is moving on as is life. Live it, breathe it, remember it. Above all, be present.

Namaste and happy holidays my friends ❤️🪷

I miss your laughter

Your funny voices and faces

The way you teased your sisters

The way you said,”I love you mom “

Those great bear hugs

Your piercing blue eyes

Holding you when you were sad

The calm in you when you were on the water

Your face when you looked at your sweet daughter

Your hot head when you thought someone had hurt me

Your empathy when anyone was hurting

Your need to be truly heard

Your amazing heart

The way you fussed when it was too far to drive to my house

The way you sang from your soul

Your love of music

How you loved and cared about your friends

Even the ever irritating 👍

How even now you communicate that to me

My heart aches for you

There is no air on this Thanksgiving as I sit alone remembering …so very broken

I know you are in a perfect place but this mother’s heart will never mend this side of heaven

Endless endless tears few can really understand

The audible crack in my world the day you left it still reverberating

No one can heal this…I just endure

Always watching for the blue orbs and your👍

I know you are here

I love you son

It felt like my soul took a long deep breath. Those few minutes was all it took to stop, take it the beauty and allow my very core to connect to the power. Sun shining down on the breaking waves and the magnitude of the oceans power to calm my frazzled being. The pull of that water with the mist and salty air washing over me is not something I can even begin to explain….it is just magnetically magical.

Those precious few minutes, maybe a half hour, was all I had but they were not taken for granted. Pure unmitigated joy and serenity. Never ever miss those moments…no matter how brief… truly stop and look around you. Find the extraordinary in the ordinary. It may not be the ocean..it might be the sound of the running water into a warm bath..it’s there…all around us.

Let your soul bask in whatever warmth it finds today. Life’s journey is so brief so look for those small ordinary moments that surround you every day…don’t blink…you just might find a piece of paradise…🪷🪷🪷

Zac Brown summed it up in his song, Knee Deep.

“Knee deep in the water somewhere. Got the blue sky, breeze blowing wind through my hair, only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair. When you lose yourself…you just might find paradise.”

Recently I have been purging all the things that I no longer use. It’s somewhat freeing to only have those things around me that are necessary or bring a smile instead of the heaviness that too much stuff makes me feel.

For years I prepared Thanksgiving dinner for around 14. Thanksgiving was always such a happy time of family and sharing. My nutty son made me laugh hysterically on that day while I was cooking. Since he has been gone that spark has left me.

One of the things I have been purging is a lot of dishes. It is amazing how many dishes can be accumulated over the years. One such was a very large setting of gold stoneware. Alongside that stoneware of solid gold color was many dessert plates of various patterns to mix in. I listed them on fb market and had no luck in selling them. My daughters didn’t need them. This week I packed them into boxes and took them to Goodwill thinking someone who needed them might find some joy using them. Yesterday, a very be gruntled man there was taking things from the back of my car and didn’t see the other bag I had set down. Even though he had watched me set it there. He turned and stumbled a bit dropping the larger box. There laying on the ground were, not just my broken and shattered dishes, but years of sweet memories. Shattered glass the whole box broken. He began to yell at me for putting the bag behind him. He had no idea what those broken dishes meant to me. At first I was angry because, in his embarrassment, he lashed out at me. After several hours of reliving the episode it hit me…how very much, like that broken box and dishes on the ground, my life felt just like that….a stumble here or there… and shattered pieces. How quickly things we hold dear and think are so beautiful can crash to the floor in hundreds of broken pieces. Whether is was at our own hand or the hand of others…brokenness and heartache….hundreds of broken pieces that cannot be fixed.

This year I will spend the holiday alone. My younger daughter needs to spend the day with her husbands family and my older daughter lives just too far away to drive up for the one day. I am too tired right now to make a fast 1 day turnaround drive.

Stresses of life have left me feeling more lost than ever. This purging of things and what those things had meant to me has left me with some very melancholy moments.

Life’s journey, or at least mine, can leave us feeling melancholy at times. Like those broken dishes lying there on the ground in hundreds of pieces. He simply walked over and tossed it in the trash. I feel like I have been simply tossed in the trash right now. Unnecessary and abandoned. There are definitely things that need to be tossed in the trash along the way. There are things that cause us to stop and take pause to evaluate. Does this thing or this person add joy and meaning to our lives or is it just stuff sitting there gathering dust unused? Or worse causing such pain we cannot breathe. I certainly do not have the answers for this, or any of it, but I do know…there is joy in the happiness some memories bring.

As this month of remembering our blessings and having gratitude in our hearts progresses try to sort through the things that might need to be tossed and those to keep and hold dear. It’s not the “things” but the relationships with those around us that matter most.

Happy Thanksgiving dear friends. Find the joy in your journey of life this holiday season. It’s there. Sometimes it just needs to be remembered.❤️

In the book, “Flow”, it is defined as: the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.

While painting or deep in a full design for a client I have felt that overwhelming depth of fulfillment and deep joy in what I was doing. Those moments I felt badly for people who had jobs they hated and were doing things that sucked their life from them. In the last few years I have fallen too far into that trap with all the life being pulled from my soul. On rare moments that joy has arisen then has been squashed with harsh realities of betrayals and lost trust in people. To say it has been a struggle is a definite understatement. It still is.

I pulled out that book tonight. A reread is in order. I downloaded a 28 day yoga/Pilates app on my phone then sat with a long breathing guided meditation. Flow is here somewhere.

Life becomes a struggle far too often for so many of us. Healthier and wiser decisions need to be set in place. The merry go round in my head spins out of control when those struggles overwhelm me. Perhaps for a few minutes tonight I felt the beginnings of that “flow” that I have not felt in a very long time in my heart. A heart that needs healing from all the hurts and longings….all the rejections and loss of trust…all the overwhelming sadness. Yes, flow is here somewhere.

This journey of life should “flow “ for all of us, even in the midst of hurt and sadness. May we all take pause and think through what we can do to unblock that flow. What makes us feel alive and so immersed in what we are doing that nothing else matters at those moments. Those moments that the hurt and sadness takes a backseat and we can breathe if even for a few minutes.

Yes, flow is here somewhere…keep at it my friends..it is there …there for the sheer sake of doing it…now back to my book❤️

Looking back over the last decade or more of my life I keep wondering, as many do, where did I go wrong? What were the decisions along the way that led to today’s circumstances? What could I have done differently? Useless questions because it changes nothing. Perhaps, just perhaps, in ruminating over all those years there is a common thread there that could change my trajectory. Stop the mad spinning merry-go-round that seems to be my life.

Somehow in my life as far back as I can remember that restless spirit has always been there…always searching…but never seeming to find what my heart longs for….Acceptance and true meaning to feel whole, and in that, validated that I am good enough or worthy enough to really matter to anyone, but within that, needing to matter to myself. Therein lies the bigger picture …how do we, as the collective whole, realize we need to matter to ourselves most of all.

Being told as a child to think of yourself first was selfish and vain. Now we know that self care is essential to live to your fullest potential. With all that said trying to accept myself just as I am with all my shortcomings has to be a priority for survival. How to do that…well…a different story….a definite work in progress.

One thing I know without pause is, God loves me in spite of me. To that I will hold and cling to tightly. The radio head in my car has grown a mind of its own shutting down then opening back on very random stations. One particular morning recently it popped up on Joel Osteen (there’s a positive attitude if ever there was one) and he was speaking on “Loving Yourself”. Coincidence, guessing not…. His words were definitely validating what in my head I know…but my emotional self struggles to maintain. Ohhh, that we all could take pause and truly grasp how significant we really are to one another. How very necessary each of us is to our families and friends.

In those moments, in this journey, when life makes zero sense…take a beat…breathe…remember the God who created the universe loves you and even though it may not feel like it, at the time, there are others that love and need you as well. Trying to practice that on a daily basis here…some days I get it….others …well…those days I eat an Oreo McFlurry. 🤦‍♀️ what can I say…life is short…eat the ice cream…and believe in YOU❤️❤️

As a small child I remember hearing the doves cooing, mostly on early summer evenings. With all the raucous chirping of the other birds I found their song somewhat haunting and sad. Their song always made me feel a bit disconcerted. It was as if they were in mourning. As night drew in at times the owl, somewhere in the distance, joined in the lament. Perhaps it was the day ending with the setting of the sun that made them feel sad. Thus are the ponderings of a small child.

Now that I am older and have endured some life traumas I find their songs calming. When I am searching for just a moment of respite from the chaos in my life I find myself listening for their subtle song,..that sweet perfect cooing. Just for that moment I can stop and breathe. Occasionally an owl joins the chorus. It still seems melancholy but now rather than sounding sad it soothes the achings of my heart. My sweet gentle doves that are singing their songs…songs that are present and in this moment…zen..calm…in this moment nothing else surfaces or matters…peaceful bliss…a few minutes to just be…

Life’s journey can be so exhausting at times. On gentle summer evenings…stop…listen…the doves are there singing to you to be still…calling to you to practice and follow their lead…to drown out the other incessant chirpings of life and “Just Be”.🪷🪷🪷

Sitting out here on the dock that calming feeling starts to take hold.

Negative ions from the moving water enter through breathing them in and penetrating our skin. When they hit the blood stream biochemically they produce serotonin. There it is…breathing in deeply by the water and letting the ions do their work.

Breathe in the calm …exhale the toxic thoughts and energies.

Beyond stressful days have left me exhausted with it all but out here I can breathe in a moment of peace. My zen place. Nothing in my chaotic world has changed for the better. In fact it has gotten worse. Back to that feeling of, “Why am I here again?” There are no answers at this point so another minute at a time…one step at a time…not even a day at a time … just the next deep breath.

Just hanging out here feeling the negative ions and letting them do their thing. One more minute. Saying my Namaste to the sun as it is setting.

Perhaps one day out here I will also feel joy once again. But for now one more breath…then the next..inhale…exhale.

This journey of life can throw some unexpected fast balls at us. Get by the water somewhere and breathe it in. My total wish for you my friends is finding and having that place of “zen” to simply breathe❤️🪷

Out on the docks I search for you in the sun’s last rays

On the sparking water

In the songs of the sweet doves

In the lapping of the water

On the wind as it rushes by

In the soft music I’m listening to that you loved

In the blue skies I see your sweet eyes smiling

Memories of you as a small boy running to me

Of the teenager and man you became

Bittersweet images surfacing and passing in the breeze

I feel you here sitting beside me

Thank you for making me a mother and the man you became

I miss you on this Mother’s Day

Thank you for being here with me❤️