Control freak…how many times do we hear that when things go awry for people? They can’t handle it when they can’t control the outcome or that relationship ended because one or the other couldn’t control the other person or themselves.

Today at work I cried over low numbers and the fact a client had decided not to place a large order that would definitely have helped a slow month. My emotions drained me over what I thought was not being able to get a grip with it and keep pushing. I could not. Get a grip orrr keep pushing. I wanted to give up and go home. A coworker talked me down and I stayed the remaining 2 hours. Still feeling somehow sucker punched I couldn’t lose the empty hollow feeling that had swept over me.

Crying most of the way home I wanted desperately to go to get a hug and be consoled by my biggest cheerleader. Suddenly feeling guilty now for going to dump that on them I decided to turn and go home.

After staring at the wall for a few hours in deep contemplation tonight it hit me. As are most very emotional reactions…it’s never that thing that it’s about…my triggers were hit. LOSS!!!

There is no control over numbers or what people do or do not do. It wasn’t about that or the income hit…it was no control over the loss of it…the true loss surfaced tonight for which there was and is absolutely no control. I lost my child and I had no control over it. Then or now. It slashes deep.

Any of us who have lost someone we loved feels that sense of no control. I can now add this to my list of triggers to know when it hits to stop a bit and collect myself and breathe. That completely drained feeling that can overcome us in an instant… to realize it’s not weakness but a vulnerability that makes us compassionate humans. We loved greatly and intensely and that does not end when we can no longer see or touch them. In some ways the intensity is magnified because we have no control over it. Folks mean well when they say remember the good times and think about those times. Some days that just is not possible. Those days we may just need to cry til the tears stop…knowing they will surface again…then journal or take a walk..or simply sit with it and breathe deeply…

Tonight I have sat with it and breathed and regrouped. I did reach back out to my cheerleader and was reassured they were still there.

So to those of you who are hurting out there, I hurt for you and with you. As the 10 year anniversary of my greatest loss approaches I know the tearful moments will continue to surface. Rather than feeling weak I will allow my human vulnerability, which is our greatest virtue and strength, to be present and feel through it,..

This journey of life is still beautiful even in our darkest moments. Remembering the good and precious moments do not remove our anguish but they can bring a smile. After we allow our tears to flush through…again…knowing that wave will return….but like the ocean waves they wash back out again as well.

I love you sweet friends❤️ take a moment to reach out to a friend or even an acquaintance to let them know you are there for them if they need you…we alll need our cheerleader some days more than others🪷🪷🪷

Harsh cold the last few weeks with some days of abysmal unending grays have not helped the emotional roller coaster I feel this time of year. As the 10th anniversary of losing Jonathan approaches so does the tightening of my airways. That constriction that feels as though I will never be able to take a deep breath again.

Tomorrow I start a new counselor that perhaps can aid with some new way to cope with loss. After 10 years it doesn’t feel much better. This overwhelming sadness that rips through at any given moment without warning still takes me to my knees. There always seems to be more questions with still no answers. Some days I truly wonder if my mind will ever stop spinning. Then I step back…and focus on the moments…those moments I will forever cherish..hugs, laughter, joy, being on the water, blue blue skies and sunsets..I can hear his voice and his laughter…I hold onto them for life.

For all of us who have lost our loves, our hearts, and sometimes feels like our very souls…take a journey through those life moments we shared with them and breathe it in. Close your eyes with your hands on your heart and feel those moments and know they want us to be happy again.

This journey of life has so many moments to hold onto. Beautiful moments and memories. We can’t let that pain keep us from experiencing new moments, creating new memories. Not that we will ever forget or diminish what was there with them but to continue to fully live in our present. To breathe again. To smile and laugh again without feeling guilty about it.

I wish for each of you, that have had such deep agonizing loss, a way to find your way back…if even a few moments…to seeing the beauty around you. It is there, even in the cold bleak of winter…spring is coming..it’s coming… deep breath..then one more…then one more❤️

On these late nights when sleep eludes me my mind sweeps into overdrive mode. Questions upon questions then more questions with seemingly no answers.

Myopic is the word that keeps coming to me recently. This event totally confounded me as a mother….When my middle child was in third grade her teacher sent home a note. “Please have your daughter’s eyes tested. I have moved her to the front row and she still is having problems seeing the board .” The only vision tests she had ever had at that point was through school testing. A week later, after a visit to the eye doctor, I was told she had a pretty heavy case of myopia. Her father’s family had vision issues but I was unaware of exactly what this meant. When we emerged from the office, once her glasses arrived, I was speechless as she looked around outside in complete wonderment. “Mom, I didn’t know you could see individual leaves on the trees.” As I had never had any vision impairment it had never once occurred to me that she wasn’t seeing properly. To her trees and grass had been a blur of color and she thought it was normal. I felt like a horrible mother…how had I not realized she couldn’t see.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says we now see as in a hazy mirror but one day we will see clearly (my paraphrasing there). How true that is when I go down that overthinking path. I plead for direction because my vision is so clouded in my human understanding. God has the big and clear picture and I need the faith that one day He will hand me the glasses of perfect vision and understanding. All I need right now is to trust and keep the faith in Him who loves me beyond understanding just as I love my children.

How often we see things through our perspective that we think are normal but there’s that blur that causes us to see what really is not there. Perhaps on these nights I need to just look out at the stars and the massiveness of the skies and know I only see a tip of things. It is not my job to figure everything out but to have faith I will see clearly when the timing is right.

This journey of life has a lot of blurry messy things. We need to squint a bit, at times, to find our way….but to learn to trust in the our own unique journey and enjoy every second and blessing we have. Blessings abound dear ones just keep squinting….keep squinting.❤️🪷

Growing up in a home where laziness was not acceptable and anything that needed to be done if you didn’t hop right on it, well then, that was laziness.

Disconnect to reconnect. Recently I have been involved with coaching for burn out recovery. In this process I have learned a lot about myself and my perception of things that I had not realized or was just completely ignorant to. Disconnecting is now vital for my well being and sanity. I was unaware that clinical burnout is a thing.

Burnout is far more than just needing to take a day off and regroup. It necessitates a complete overhaul in my thinking.

Perhaps work and business has been an escape from dealing with life. Not just since my son’s death but perhaps since child hood. Everyone has their way of dealing with life..both the good and the bad..just surviving it on some days. I have retreated into work the last year more than ever. Whether it’s the actual paying job or daily household care…I can make it a job..my job. Disconnecting has not been an option. When one disconnects…one thinks…scary place at times that thinking.

My coach has gently reminded me that even God took a day of rest after creation. I will now protect one of my days off with a vengeance. My mental health is now demanding it. God has graciously been showing me daily in my quiet time many verses on rest. No coincidence those are the verses I just happen to open up each day.

For many of us, I am sure, disconnecting is not easy. Whether an executive that many depend on, to the mom at home whose children depend on her…stopping to reconnect with our very soul…is not only difficult but feels impossible. Our souls yearn for it. Our bodies and minds must have it to survive.

I have spoken to the urgency to stop and just be for years…so in the upcoming months I am actually going to put “breathing” and “being” on my list with the work of recovering myself. Take time today to check in with yourself and see where you might find a resting spot for your body, mind and spirit. Don’t wait for burnout to hit…be like Nike, just do it! Do it for yourself and all those you love or interact with.

I am not clinically burned out yet but every warning sign is there blaring its red lights and horn! Don’t wait for those sirens and all it can lead to …not just mental but the physical issues that will ensue as well..stop and breathe a few days. Retreat, regroup and reconnect.

Sending…peace, love and light your way …Namaste 🪷🪷🪷

God has this way of saying, “Just sit down, please, stop talking and just listen to me”. The past 10 days of meds for this respiratory junk has been a slam dunk of “Stop it, be still and hear me”! Takes a while for my forward motion to come to a halt…but halt it has…

Sitting here in my cozy chair in the still morning quiet, coffee in hand, working on the racing thoughts, but mostly this week trying to quell the nausea of icky meds, He reminded me of a scene over 20 years ago..and it resonated.

I had 2 very hyper, headstrong but sweet Jack Russell Terriers. I lived on a farm property of the DNR here in Maryland. These pups would take off in a flash and you could NOT catch them or even get close to them hearing you calling them. For some reason as they darted off into the woods I found that if I honked my horn they came running back. Fast forward a couple of years and I arrived at my then boyfriend’s home, Beringer, yanked his lead from my hand and took off. He was free to dash on his own accord, not knowing all the danger of that areas horribly busy streets and a train track that was also busy. I quickly stuck the other dog inside and got help in tracking this errant pup. Hours of searching and calling to no avail. He was so lost, I was terrified for him. After searching over 2 hours, I thought of the horn…up and down the streets, just honking and listening. I finally heard a faint bark down a side field near the tracks. In his excitement of breaking free, dragging a retractable leash behind him, he had run into a very thick mass of sticker bushes. Continuing is his new found freedom from the control of my loving hand he had wound himself around and around in these long sharp stickers and could no longer move. So there he sat, shaking and scared…he had been so intent on his own way that it had almost cost him his life.

Sound familiar…so intent on our own agendas and doing things our way. We jerk loose from God’s loving, life giving hand and take off on our own. On our own not understanding the dangers all around us. How everything seems right to us until we have wound ourselves so tightly in the long briars that we can longer move. We hear Him calling but are afraid of the repercussions awaiting …then we are just stuck til we finally cry out, “please find me and help me get back to your care and protection “.

Those briars can get tight and hurt! Freedom. Yes, freedom has a cost. On this journey of life it is good to find our freedom in our loving Father’s hand, under His wings of love, care and direction to keep us on track and at peace!

My prayer for myself and all of you taking a moment to read this is for us to protect ourselves, from ourselves, and rest in the hand that created us😊

Much love to you as you stop and listen for just a heartbeat today ❤️

Something about not feeling well a few days gives me moments to actually think about anything other than work or what I “ need” to be doing. Yes, it’s all piling up but just don’t feel well enough to do any of it. So, I lie here wondering about it all.

A sweet friend from high school days just messaged me a lovely poem about, “Bits and Pieces”. What an encouraging note, but she is definitely one who encourages people. She has also reminded me that my little blog has encouraged her. Thank you so much for letting me know it does touch those who need to hear a word here and there.

Work and life have been extremely stressful, or should I just say more stressful, the last few months. Having to unexpectedly move and adjust space issues, feeling alone and frustrated, work numbers are too low, where do I fit in the chaos, you know…life…

Since God has chosen to slam my brakes on for the last 4 days…thus insued the “wondering”. We know there are no coincidences so off went my Monkey Mind. Do I change jobs or my career? I love designing to my core but maybe He is ready for me to move on to just my art. Not quite sure that will pay the rent or am I not trusting my abilities?? Or more so Gods?? I do know my 2 plus hours of driving to and from work is tedious. But then I get there and remember why I do it…. I love what I do!!

There I am …back to work thinking…🤦‍♀️

Life is so much more..I shared with her that I have spent, or wasted, far too much of my life searching rather than “being”. Why is being really present so very difficult!!! When I stop and enjoy this view that God has blessed me with for 5 years it’s merely moments before the mind zooms back to all I NEED to be doing…it’s quite annoying that I cannot turn that button to mute for more than a few seconds.

Beach-Zen was created, after losing my son, to help others, myself being the impetus, to STOP and JUST BE… that place of Zen in your soul that longs for us to breathe in God’s majestic beauty…even in our chaos…it IS there..but we have to chose to hit that MUTE button to see and hear it..it IS a choice. Life is short…

Don’t wait for God to hit that mute button for you to get you to stop. Take a few minutes today and everyday to breathe in the moments..life will still be there with all its ups and downs….those few minutes won’t make any difference there…just DO it….just bits and pieces…a bit of a pause and pieces of your soul will fill with God’s wonders.

Here’s to hitting MUTE today. Life will still be waiting when you hit resume, I promise. ❤️

Love you sweet friends 🪷🪷🪷 thank you for those “bits and pieces” of all of you that continue to create who I am😘

As I watched the river’s waters rise this morning I felt a pang of uneasiness begin to grip me. Flood waters have unnerved me as far back as I can remember. As a child, in Arkansas, I lived in an area that flooded fairly frequently. The National Guard rescued us from high school during a flood. I lived in New Orleans as a young adult and waded chest deep waters to get to my apartment and never once considered the alligators or snakes that could have been present. We do what we have to do at the moment to survive.

So much of life is like those flood waters. It can sneak up gradually or rise quickly as in a hurricane. We can choose to react in fear, wade through blindly, wait for someone to rescue us or simply step back and choose to watch and see where the waters go. We have no power to stop the tumultuous waters from rising or the power to stop much of what happens in our lives as others can dictate what we have to endure for a time. What we can do, however is make a decision that they will make us stronger or collapse in fear and give up.

Some days we may feel stronger and some days feel resigned to what is the point of going on or even caring,

Tonight, the river waters have receded but my heart is now choosing whether there is a point to the chaos and storms…to ride things out and see how they play out…or just give up.

I am tired! This journey of life can be overwhelmingly exhausting. Time to take a break❤️

Five years ago I sat in this same spot waiting for a biopsy then as today. Those five years have zipped by quickly. Hopefully this biopsy does not come back with the same cancer results.

So much of our lives are spent waiting. Traffic, bank lines, grocery store lines, medical tests, test results. We wait some days more patiently than others. Today I wait in silence pondering the what ifs…either way…one more step….one more breath…one more heartbeat.

The next time you find yourself waiting take a beat to just breathe. Enjoy the moment of stopping for what ever the reason. Slow down, breathe, find a content moment in the waiting.

And so I wait…..🌻

🪷🪷🪷

It has taken me a couple of days to process that I watched the bridge I have traversed daily, a few miles from my home, look like toothpicks crumbling down. A movie or video game not reality. I could not be seeing what I was seeing. Flash back to 9-11 and unreality of the site unfolding. The helicopters woke me at 3:00 AM and I just thought they were looking for someone and I couldn’t remember if I locked my door. We lock our doors and cars to feel somehow safer but we never know what the next hour will bring. No, safety is never guaranteed in this life.

All those morning crossings and the sun glittering out toward the bay making the water sparkle. All the evening crossings watching sunsets over the city skyline in the distance. I never crossed without appreciating the beauty over the water . It was also unnerving when one of those huge ships was passing under at the same time. Always the thought of how can they navigate such a huge thing through such a small opening. Just last week as I approached, a cruise ship was heading out and it caused a shiver up my spine it was so close and at the same location of this crash. I honestly did not see how it even fit under the span … it looked like I could touch it.

As I navigated home yesterday approaching the Baltimore harbor tunnel I looked east toward where the Key Bridge once was on the horizon. Now there are 2 approaches to a large gaping void. Very eerie especially with the huge ship still entangled in the wreckage of steel.

How quickly life changes. The chaos of commuters daily trying to figure out the best way around the waterways and unsure of the new norm in traffic patterns. Much like life with the loss of a loved one. The ensuing chaos trying to figure out the new norm.

I shared with my granddaughter in this morning’s text how these moments make you stop and put life in perspective. It’s short don’t waste a second of it. At least 6 families are now grieving the loss of a family member in this collapsing bridge tragedy. They now learn to navigate a new norm. You somehow learn to navigate it but never really find that same syncing with your life in the aftermath of such loss. There are those moments when life is humming along and suddenly in a flash it cones tumbling down into unrecognizable rubbish.

I admit I have felt a bit lost again and uncertain of things. One thing it has caused is another deep soul searching. A realignment of body and soul…path checking and course correcting.

If life and your path is not fulfilling or bringing joy…correct the path…life is indeed short..live it like it’s your last day always. Life’s journey can be unsettling but sometimes these shake ups can definitely be a wake up call to find our true north. Check your compass sweet friends and be sure it’s pointing you in the direction you want to travel. ❤️

I peeked through the draperies to see if it was sunny a few minutes ago.The snow on the ground was orange. I hurriedly grabbed my phone and ran to the kitchen to see the sunrise over the water. It was breathtaking! The snow back there was pink. Still barefoot I quickly stepped a little ways out onto the deck because I knew if I took the time to go get shoes it would be gone. Barefoot in 20 degrees on snow was intense but I got most of it. Had I stepped a bit farther the whole sun could have been caught. As it was I missed the most vivid color because my door was frozen shut. if I had just stepped out a bit farther…….

Life is so much like that. Fear of just stepping out. It’s too hard. I could fail, what’s the point. I’m not good enough. How can I do that? It’s too cold and I’m barefoot….. and you would miss it..something of such beautiful magnitude …and it was missed…because you were afraid…or you stopped to “go grab your shoes “, and the moment was lost. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed in life because, “I went to grab my shoes”, overthinking that I need to do this or that before I could do it? The moments to, step out and grab it, were simply lost…life moved on when I wasn’t looking…when i was, “thinking it through”…there are times when we need to just step out and do it…

On your life’s journey keep your eyes alert for the seconds of stunning beauty around you…step out barefoot because you might miss something extraordinary if you, “go grab your shoes “. ❤️