How lovely it would be to have a zipper in my chest. To simply unzip and remove my heart for a while. On those moments and days when it feels as though it simply cannot survive any more pain…..Just pop it into a ziploc bag and place it in the freezer til it becomes frozen solid and numb to anything or anyone ever again. I’m not sure if anyone has ever actually died from a broken heart but in that moment, that feels as if it will surely explode, it’s hard to imagine it will keep beating…keep feeling…keep aching. How can it continue to function in this turmoil of life..my life..my insanely messy life!? It remains to be seen….

I believe the numb and cold iciness might just be a preferable solace at this juncture. Hopefully this heart anguish will pass and I will once again become stronger, more determined and far less caring. I’m quite tired of being told what a strong woman I am ….do you ever feel that… I’m strong enough now , thank you very much, I really prefer not to be one iota stronger than I already am?? So it is with me in this chaotic brain of mine sitting here writing to the universe about heart issues. The universe appears to have forgotten me down here. I’m not sure of those vibrations I read about but mine must be in some archaic dissonant chord. It’s just not connecting properly to produce a complete harmony.

Numbness..no feeling ..no longer caring.. it may sound cynical, and perhaps it is, but cynical is where I find myself today. I’m not sure I can ever trust my heart to another soul again. Vulnerability may be a great thing but it has become far far too painful to continue in its path. Naive might be a better choice of words. Yes naive and far too trusting with my once soft heart. A heart that has trusted words instead of carefully listening to the actions. Hearing , I love you, but not seeing the outward acts of being there and what love really is truly meant to be. It will indeed take some serious chiseling to get through the ice I now am starting to feel. Once the rawness of this wound starts to heal and scar with it goes the trust and naivety of that gentle loving soul. The gentleness, blind trust and caring far too deeply that once ruled it, will be gone and buried deeply in the abyss that for the past few years has clawed at my soul pulling it ever into its blackness. Maybe just maybe it will find less pain there. It remains to be seen…

I hear your laughter out on the waters

I see your eyes in the blue of the sky

I hear your music in the laughter of children

Feel your hugs in the warmth of the sun

Your smile on the faces of your dearest friends

Your tears meld with mine as rain drops trickle down the window panes …how I wish I could have removed your hurts and disappointments

The bitter cold winds of winter are blowing strong now…how you hated the cold and winters often gray skies…as do I

Snow that once brought comforting quietness to me now brings with it the harsh reminder of what took you away…that icy chilling road

Losses that cut through my soul..many losses but none like the loss of you my precious son

I know there is life here…somewhere…my faith has finally wavered in trying to find this new, yet emptier life

Your presence was here everywhere today..as if you were trying to tell me something…show me something..show me you are still with me perhaps

The sun continues to rise and with each new day when those large fluffy white clouds appear in the brilliant sunshine I clearly see you, hear you and feel you near

Somehow show me how to live again. After this great loss I’m struggling to find where I fit and who I am without you here. I do know without a single doubt that is what you want for me. Happiness and to live and love again.

It’s coming and I feel certain it is you ever pushing and with laughter telling me, “Go for it mom just go for it!!” ❤️❤️❤️⚓️🎈and I will!😊

The quiet hush of falling snow

Softly blanketing my immediate world

Cold flakes descending onto my face

Footfalls that no one hears

Cold winds that cause tears to trickle onto my cheeks

The quietude and barren feel of the land is comforting and yet unsettling

Thoughts turn inward on this walk

Soul searching and longing within those thoughts turning to dreams yet to be realized

There’s a foggy mist on the horizon obscuring what lay beyond

Is this reality or indeed one of my nightly dream sequences? They both feel so real and tangible and meld together

Winds dislodge a loose branch and it falls to the ground in front of me barely making a sound as it hits the white blanket

Perhaps this is a dream…perhaps life is but a dream…one of the longer ones that are not remembered once awakened

Not one of the dreams that are so real and so welcomed…those that once jarred awake are immediately remembered and tears flow trying to go back to sleep to recapture what was happening and who was there….the loss that sucks out all air when realization hits …it was just a dream..and nothing more…a dream that can’t be recaptured any more so than life’s passing moments can be held onto

Biting cold brings me back to the walk and the surroundings. What is beyond that growing foggy mist ahead on the horizon? A jolt of sudden fear takes hold…a foreboding sense of dread trying to creep in and destroy what started as a head clearing walk to just enjoy the soft white blanket and calming quiet

Throwing all rationale to the side I plunge ahead into that foggy mist……not seeing more than the next step…just one more step..then another…the beautiful walk in the quiet snow that was to focus me and create some kind of sense from the things whirling about me has become chaotic and disturbing, just as life has become for me..ahhhh therein is the reality of life…it’s about walking into the unknown and taking just the next step…then one more..

The startling sound I hear is somehow familiar ….my alarm .. bringing me abruptly awake …the soft white down comforter feels secure and warm not cold and foreboding…yet another dream leaving more questions than answers..a quiet snow is falling outside..sitting up with feet firmly on the floor…I take a step …then one more….maybe I’ll go take a walk in the falling snow…..

As I sit looking out on the misty river this morning the tears are relentless. Thanksgiving week is by far the hardest along with the black month of March. He sat and laughed and joked with me while I cooked for so many years. Tears those days were breathtaking and side splitting! Few have ever made me laugh the way he did. I never dreamed there would be a day on this earth without him to send me into hysterical laughter💔. We never fathom that our children will not be here. Some things time does NOT heal!

Being a waterman he would love my new home. I can’t look out on the river and not think about how much he would enjoy this access. The dark places in my heart are only brightened by the glimmers that he is somehow here watching and smiling on us. Not knowing for sure that it’s possible I hang on to the belief that it is. I’m pretty sure that everyone who has lost a loved one feels this way. That there’s moments when we feel them so strongly that it must be a part of their essence here with us. Friends tire of us talking about them but it doesn’t stop our need to express our hearts. It somehow makes them be alive, at least for a small moment, to say their name and really feel them near!

This journey of life is brutal at times remembering what is lost. Trying valiantly to move toward happiness and remembering the funny amazing man my son was, and still is, in my heart and soul. Forever missed I love you buddy. Somehow I know you are here with me on this misty chilly morning.

The sounds of the sea beckon me

Waves crashing and pulling me to succumb to their power

The never ending tide

My soul is ever connected to its force

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Cold and dark the abyss awaits

Welcoming the feeling of numbness, like Icarus to the sun, I am propelled

Cold and motionless.. my sun is eclipsed in the depths of the sea

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Where there is no love or touch there is no life to spark living

Is God there in the abyss? Perhaps….but there is no sound, no voice, no home, only darkness

Life is but a stage, says Shakespeare, but I do not care for the role in which I have been cast

Yes, I am but a player or just a pawn

It is but a game

…..and the waves crash in and roll out

Ever searching, ever longing, my soul cries out

Anguish too deep to fathom for the weak and a pain so deep it slices to my core

The deep of the sea pulls and tears at me to come

Stop fighting my pull it screams

….and the waves crash in and roll out

Why do I fight when there is nothing any longer to gain ?

To what end is survival or it’s meaning?

Again, there is no touch to warrant that fight now

Tired and worn down the pull is too great

The water is cool and numbing with no judgement or thoughts to hold onto

Floating, motionless for what did I wait? It is but rhetorical

…and the waves crashed in and rolled out

Sunrise…..

New dawn

Brightness on the water

New chances

Try again

lost myself along the way

Excitement

Perhaps I count

Busyness

Survival

The motions

No problem

Sure..yes..ok

Die a little more

Loose myself a little more

Aloofness

What did I do wrong

Silence

Nothing left of me to loose now

don’t exist…..does anyone care

The sound of a heart shattering

Alone

My mother was always one to quote the scriptures. “This too shall pass”, being the most frequent when things got chaotic.

Going through so many losses the last few years has brought that to mind so many times. Last night unpacking the last box, from my recent move, I ran across the birthday card and Mother’s Day card my son sent me the year before his death. I cried, then smiled, as I packed them away. One was humorous, as was his nature, but the Mother’s Day card was very poignant, as could he be as well. My grief counselor has been telling me how I need to live again but until last night I just felt too guilty to go there. My friends have continued to listen, love and provide hugs. For that I am eternally grateful!! They are the absolute best!!

As I begin my new life, on my own now, I am reminded of how truly short life is. If things or people don’t add to my life and only suck me dry they will no longer be a part of it. At one point I felt guilty about that but no longer. As of today I choose life and the abundance of purely living in the “right now”! That is truly all we have, this present moment. Because, “this too shall pass “, I’m grabbing hold of every second of every day and living and breathing in life!! No longer will I allow anyone to speak down to me or disrespect me in any way ever again. My new mindset is fixed now! I am alive and I am enough! To the ones who are bringing me such joy right now you are above and beyond anything I could ever have wished for. You remind me that, I am enough and today, this moment, simply being alive is such a gift!! YOU are such a gift because we know that, in all of life, This too shall pass…..❤️

When I first felt you move inside me a love so fiercely intense began to form…

The day I buried you part of my soul went with you and a love so fiercely intense became an inferno….

Where the water meets the horizon

At the sunrise

At the sunset

Uproarious laughter

Music

Small children at play

Summer thunderstorms

Wind rustling leaves in autumn

Soft blankets of snow in winter

Birds and blossoms of spring

Lawn mowers whirring

Boat motors churning on the creek

Tweedle Dee birds

Electric blue eyes

Summer personified

Crystal blue skies

Sun rays bursting through the clouds

Pecan pie

Bonfires

Guitars and microphones

Brilliant smile

Deep love

Friendships

All these things are you.

We miss you on this anniversary of the day I gave birth to a brilliant son who we mourn for but are blessed to have had in our lives and the immense joy you brought to us all💔

Jonathan David Mickey

6/16/77 – 3/8/15

Vulnerability. I’ve always hated being vulnerable. Recently I’ve come to believe and understand that instead of being a curse it’s what makes me who I am. To be vulnerable is to be transparently open. Empathic to a degree of physical pain when those I know and care for are hurting. I acutely feel their pain from my own personal experiences. Sympathetic to the degree of sadness when I know another’s heart hurts. I ache for the hurting soul.

I listened to Brene Brown speak about her research on vulnerability and came away with such a different perception of myself. It’s risky business to say, “I love you”, first or to care about someone when it may not be wanted. Oh, but to take those risks is to really live.

For far too many decades I have lived in fear of being me and who I was created to be. I am vulnerability and emotion. I am passionate about life and love. Music, art and dancing are my soul. The water is my solace. Warm Summer nights with honeysuckle and cicadas make my heart sing. Turning my face to the sun gives me strength and energy. Never again will I apologize for being my true self! This is me and who I am. Sometimes it’s messy and hard to handle. Sometimes it’s laughter and sunshine. It is always from my soul and from emotion so profoundly deep that some may call it a weakness. It is however just the opposite…it is raw pure courage. It takes courage to risk rejection on this journey called life. It is in that risking that you truly come alive and possibly really live for the first time ever!

I will always risk love and remain vulnerable……it brings the freedom of being true to myself ❤️

Breathing is taken for granted…..until you can’t!

Decisions are made at any given moment on this journey of life. Some quickly without a trace of thought and others painstakingly slow with utmost care. It seems that regardless of the thought put into them that there is just no guarantee than either process will turn out the way we had imagined they would. Which college to choose if any at all, what job to focus on, getting married, having children these are the larger more thought provoking decisions. To buy or rent a home, what car to drive, these are costly decisions but less daunting than the first ones. Vacation at the beach or mountains and can I afford either one? As you go down the list the decisions grow less complicated. Once the big ones are settled you’re home free and life is as smooth as possible for life anyway. Or is it?

Months and/or years trickle by and suddenly you stop and wonder at what point did my living suddenly become existing? When did the intake of air become so difficult? When did the laughter cease to be so often? Children leave home, jobs change, finances whether good or bad both affect our attitudes, marriages stop making sense. When did I lose myself in this shuffle and how do I get to who I am and where I fit any longer? It is these questions I struggle with when my lungs refuse to inflate because there just isn’t enough oxygen. Life has spit me out in a very arid place.

The deaths of my son, my mother and my dear brother in law have left huge irreparable holes in my heart and life. Those holes, while not defining me, have jarred my existence. Those losses have impacted every other part of my living. Perhaps those stressors created the cancer that was addressed mid winter. The marriage I once thought was secure has diminished and ended.

Decisions and choices I have made in my history haunt me to the point of near paralysis. But non of us are immune to life and it’s trials or victories whether from the control we have over our choices or what life has just dealt us. I daily remind myself to put one foot in front of the other. Choose life and not just existing. Life is far too short to continually allow past decisions to dictate the balance of what remains. To wallow in regretting the past I think is ok for a little while. To work through the pain and effect of poor choices is grueling. At the next breath though it’s time to rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and choose life again. Breathe in a fresh new air, turn our faces to the sun and move on. Move on to what I do not know but it’s to live once more breathing deeply. Choices will be weighed much more carefully because the last quarter of life is to be the best!!!

Come and grow old with me…the best is yet to be. Emerson