There is something so soothing and warming to my soul sitting out on my dock the hours just before sunset.

After a very busy work day and before I need to start the work tonight for tomorrow’s appointments…a quiet lull of contentment was necessary to stop and just BE for an hour. In the past I would have felt guilty for this indulgence with so much needing to be finished but I no longer have that need in my life. Just sitting here with a glass of wine and listening to the doves coo, mallards quacking, birds singing their hearts out and a boat in the distance…my heart is at ease tonight.

Yes the summer warmth is coming and my soul feels it. This is the time of day that the aloneness can creep in and I allow it to take over but not today…not today. Perhaps, with the warmth coming, I am letting the goodness of life begin to seep in. Flowers will soon adorn my deck and bring their colorful joy with them.

It’s as though the sun sparkling and glittering on the water right now is God and His universe reminding me that He’s got this. He’s got me. Tending to forget that as I do it’s a great …HELLO, I AM with you…right here in this moment!

Listening to one of my many many self help videos last night…. be grateful and then know of the desires of my heart that..” it’s this or something better”.

In this warm moment of quietude …there could be no better…it’s just this…this moment..listening….being…savoring the last rays of this warm day’s sun…content.,.

In my journey of life it’s really all I need to know…He’s got me…❤️❤️

That elusive pot of gold….it’s what life can feel like at times..always chasing something or someone. From people to success..it is exhausting, hurtful, unfulfilling and never attainable.

To go within and do the work to find the wounding from earlier years…to accept that we are enough in our own right..to need no outside validation from anyone to feel that we are worthy of love and acceptance just as we are. Period!

It is not selfish but indeed an act of love to think of ourselves first and foremost in our own lives. Self care and love should be taught from childhood. To survive and thrive we must stop and realize that we count..our hurts and feelings do count..if we do not think of and care for ourselves ..who will? It is not the responsibility of anyone else, as an adult, to nurture and feed our lack of self love. No matter how we chase that butterfly it will always elude us. We cannot find anything continually positive or any kind of lasting love without… if we do not first feel it within..it is not humanly possible.

Never would I deign to pass judgement on another when I can’t possibly know what hurt they are dealing with or knowing their battles. To sit in harsh judgment of anyone is a dangerous and destructive roller coaster with no good outcome for anyone. Their life and choices are not ours to determine on any level.

With that said we cannot allow another’s opinion to cause us to sit in harsh judgment of ourselves. We need to give ourselves the same courtesy that we extend to others. If I will not pass harsh judgment on anyone else then why would I rip myself apart doing that same thing to me? Rhetorical I know but we need to remember that when life becomes cold and chaos is surrounding us to be gentle with ourselves..extend the same kindness inward that we do outward…yes we count…yes we are enough…yes we are worthy of love and acceptance. It is not selfish it is necessary for life…for our very air to breathe.

Stop chasing love…stop chasing life …stop chasing approval…stop and just BE…breathe..accept..be thankful and grateful ..love you..love life and what it is that you dream. That elusive pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow already exists inside of your lovable worthy heart..it’s there inside YOU…nobody can steal that away from you!

This journey called life, our journey, is ours alone..nobody can live it for us..stop chasing and live it with every ounce of your being ❤️❤️❤️ the journey is short…don’t waste a second of it…

There are days that it’s difficult to behave in ways that society deems appropriate. When our souls are aching with grief from loss trying to get to any light is beyond possible.

My dear friend has lost her sweet father and her pain is tangible. How my heart hurts for her. Anger is the stage of grief I see in her presently. She apologized for being angry…my response was to share with her what I have felt for almost 6 years now. In the darkness of our souls pain it’s difficult to find light some days. It is so very difficult on those days when nothing makes sense, in our excruciating ache of losing someone so dear to us, to find even a glimmer of light anywhere. In our times of anger there are moments that we don’t even want to see light…just feel angry and stay with it til it passes. Learning to stop and sit in that anger for a bit has been a challenge for me for sure. When we have been taught our entire life that it’s not good to be angry makes the acceptance of that emotion hard to reconcile in our mind. As I have written before …about just staying with it, feeling it and not judging….just feeling and letting it be there…just observing the anger or whatever emotion is there…then letting it go. I’ll admit there are days I cannot let it go. The waves of agonizing grief on those days takes me under and I succumb to the abyss of darkness in those moments…then it passes..til the next wave rolls in..and they always will roll back in. Some months the waves are farther apart than others but the waves will always roll back in. Learning to ride them without going under is the challenge.

Learning to accept that grief does not ever go away and to recognize that fact can be daunting. In time you learn to just accept that as a new part of your life. I am still learning between the waves to find light, joy and whatever happiness I can find in anything. It’s a process…the process of life, death and ongoing grief.

Yes, society tells us anger and grief should be left behind closed doors. It cannot be stuffed down or hidden… mostly from ourselves. Sit with it and observe it without becoming it..this is part of our journey. Only we can determine when to feel and how we feel..there is no rule to follow..only our heart can determine what and when..nobody else❤️

It’s a bit chilly outside so snuggled in close to the wood stove in my cozy kitchen with a cup of tea is quite serene or perhaps tranquil is a better choice of words. There’s something about the warmth the fire puts out and the steam from the hot tea that soothes my soul. Opening the glass door to add another log heat penetrates my face and I feel the warmth spread over me. Whether it’s the sun on a summer’s day or the fire on a chilly winter’s day… it’s the warmth my soul is absorbing that sustains and feeds that human need to feel touched. It’s like a warm gentle kiss on my cheek and I smile in its glow.

It is the first full week of the new year and as I bask in this warmth I muse over what the dawn of this new year will set into motion. New pages to fill, new canvases to cover, new photographs of new memories to capture, new relationships to forge and all those sunrises, sunsets and moon glows to marvel at their breathtaking beauty. As I take down my Christmas decorations and eventually my beautiful tree I always wonder what will transpire before I pull all these baubles out again in a year…what will have changed, will I still be here, will all my family and friends still be here and will life as I know it be changed again forever?

While new dawns, days and years can be intimidating they can also be thrilling. As we have all said and read, “the only thing for certain is that things will change”. We can only be here in this present time, enjoying what happiness or joy is here, until such time that it again changes and we keep moving.

There’s a blank canvas in my studio calling out to me to see what will emerge as I begin to cover it. Our ever changing canvas on this journey of life is waiting to see what will emerge as we contemplate what color to begin applying….make it a bright, warm happy color that fills your soul with joy! Open the gift of today. Happy New Day and Year my friends❤️

The sixth holiday season without you is upon me…..

I do wish I could honestly say that it is getting easier but that just is not the case. Aching does not adequately define what I feel in my soul without you💔. No matter how deep the breath….it is always short of feeling complete. The balloon with the small hole that no matter how much air is blown into it….it continues to seep out and deflate. No matter what I attempt to patch it with it will always have that leaking hole. Always running and searching for something else to patch and fill it…relentlessly seeking solace anywhere….only to end back at ache.

No matter how much I rant and belittle myself for not being able to accept and move forward I end up back here…a collapsed sobbing mess of humanity. Perhaps in accepting my humanity and brokenness is where I need to begin. To rephrase, “what is wrong with me”, to , “what is right with me”. So difficult! Why is it so much easier to shred ourselves in our brokenness than to embrace our wounded hearts with loving kindness? No it is not playing the victim, as some so eloquently phrase it…it is feeling what I feel. No longer will I allow anyone to guilt me for what I feel!! Until you have walked in these shoes wear your own slippers.

This year of isolation for so many has not helped us along in our quest for calmness and acceptance of what IS. For a time isolation can bring clarity in determining what is actually important in life but then it begins to erode our sense of purpose. When that purpose can’t be found easily the coldness can rapidly overtake us.

It is in this coldness that I find myself today wondering if this pain will ever cease to be. I will mourn the loss of your sweet loving heart and exquisite sense of humor this Thursday. Spending it without you once again but possibly totally alone as well. I will look for any remote sign that you are here with me laughing your amazing riotous laugh…So as this Thanksgiving week begins I will search not only for a sense of your presence here but also for a calmness and purpose that only God can give.

I have read a saying recently that…. “ one day someone will hug you so tightly that all the broken pieces will glue together “. Hope is all I can bank that saying on today. A single small shred of hope not just for the holiday season but for whatever days remain in my journey of life. Always awaiting that elusive hug❤️

My daughter dreamed of her brother last night and the pain of remembering he is gone this morning has pulled her down that slippery slope of grief. It is always there but some days it is so much deeper and raw.

The gray clouds today match the somber minutes in remembering him. He would hate that we are sad. It just wasn’t who he was….laughter, smiles and endless jokes. There were days that the smiles and jokes were there to cover his pains from loss as well. For the most part he was a happy guy wanting everyone to be happy.

Even on the gray of today I will hold dear in my heart the sweet sweet boy my child was. I will remember in this rawness what he wanted everyone to feel and be…pure joy!

This journey has its sadness along the way but also has joy. The remainder of this day I will choose the joy in holding him close in my soul.,..he is here with us!!💔💔❤️❤️❤️

Sitting out on the dock behind my home…one of those pristinely beautiful days…blue blue skies with big fluffy white clouds scattered across them, no humidity and a crisp wind blowing ….. sound of the waves the wind and the few boaters out are creating …you know those days….sitting and soaking in life at its calmest. Warm sun, cool breeze ..can you feel it? Close your eyes and see it?

In the past when I needed this feeling in my mind I went to the oceans shore. Heard the waves and felt the mist on my face..the sun shining down to warm me. Now I can walk out on my dock and be in a new calming place.

Wanting to find a creative muse this morning I have walked out here with camera, sketch book and journal to see what happened to inspire. ANCHOR just keeps turning over in my head. This writing started to develop around it..anchor…

My son had a large anchor tattoo with his daughters name across the base.

His good friend, Eric, designed a smaller version for me with a microphone in the center and hearts cut out on the base and top..prominently now tattooed on my arm (a bit larger than I had planned). In remembrance of my son…

We “drop anchor “ to hold our boats in place..much like coming out on the dock anchors my mind and heart,,,grounds me when I need to stop and be…not do… just stop and inhale.

They seem to pop up everywhere,, they remind me of my sweet son …and I smile and know he’s near me…his love of the water and it’s calming to our souls is embedded in my family.

Anchor…to set, to hold firm, fasten, hitch, moor…

After watching my church’s online service today..about change…how we have to really want it..not just “sit” in our acceptance of what is….. I serendipitously had another following pop up ….. reminding me how God truly cares about even the smallest details of our lives… 2 anchors thrown out to me back to back…there are NO coincidences anywhere!

My path was crossed in late April and in early May it was suggested, in kindness, that I seemed to be “sitting in it”. That wise person has recently moved on from my life but I learned much about myself the last several months…change is needed greatly…to survive living..to stop just existing…to breathe life in fully…….change!

Switchfoot’s song, “Dare you to Move”, just came to mind..so I played it..really heard the words this time.. noooo coincidences.. take a minute to open it in utube..well worth the listen …..I dare you to move…Live like today never happened before..maybe redemption is right where you fell (maybe when your anchor drifted without being aware it was moving ever so subtly…like mine has been)

So today I see that to change we have to really want it..God cares about our minute details…make sure our anchor is placed firmly so we don’t drift and it is the correct anchor carefully chosen and placed. I clearly felt this sketch bubble out…

Settle into change where it’s needed on this journey called life………..make sure you have THE anchor……I dare you to move…..

As I sat watching yet another phenomenal sunrise this morning I couldn’t help but feel how small I am in the vastness of this universe. Less than a pin dot. Feeling so lost the last few weeks, actually years, to become lost in the sunrise was cathartic. We are on this journey of life for such a blip. Last week I lost 2 childhood friends; one to COVID and one to cancer. It was a very sobering week to remember such heart felt memories about these 2 sweet people. It puts parts of my life in perspective to look at its brevity and to truly believe that today is a gift. Losing my son 5 years ago started the journey of being, attempting anyway, to live in this present moment, to relish every part of this moment. Even the moments that feel as though I cannot take another step..I cannot handle this pain and hurt again… wanting to close off my tender heart from all hurt. Ahhh but if I close off my heart and never risk, that true gut wrenching at times, ability to really feel..to really live..then truly what is the point if I feel nothing?

Today choose to live..feel all that is there to feel..breathe in life. Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the wonder of seeing it for the first time. Look up at those beautiful cerulean skies and the clouds and simmer in the majestic beauty of it all. Really feel it in your soul! Our essence is life and love …risk feeling it all.

This journey called life is fleeting….don’t miss a second more of it. Feel what you feel and know it’s a good thing❤️

It is in the moments of extreme emotional duress that we move inward and begin to search the deepest recesses of our hearts. What that searching shows us about ourselves and about the people involved in our lives is quite sobering. Perhaps a wake up call to guard our hearts more and careful as to whom we allow access to our open hearts.

Everyone processes the chaos of this journey differently. Some are private and closed and react, what seems to my emotional heart, as cold or uncaring but it is simply how they process things, especially uncomfortable issues. I have described myself as emotions with skin on it…possibly an understatement! It has taken most all of my 6 decades to realize when friends or relationships don’t react emotionally as I do…it doesn’t mean they don’t care… just are much calmer and quiet in their way of processing life…just could not wrap my crazy head around that! Still quite puzzling to my spinning hamster wheel 😳

We do learn how many amazingly deep wonderful friends we have and then those who are more superficial friends. Not bad just surface friends…not the deep enduring all of our life’s messiness friends. Arms always outstretched to us hell or high water..agreeing with us or not…always there !! Ready to lift us up..pray with and for us..sit and hold us in our depths of darkness.. laugh with us in life’s joys..share our hearts inside out and upside down!

Having grown up in a small southern town, I am beyond blessed to have such an army of life long friends that I can reach out to at any time and know beyond a shadow of a doubt they ARE always there for me. New friends I have met are equally there now and I’m always blown away by the outpouring of love I receive!!

Most disturbing of all this COVID horror is the isolation it has produced. We cannot live without human contact. It destroys our sense of belonging. Hugs and touch are so necessary to our survival. I am so eternally grateful for my friends and the way they reach out. Even amidst this time of stress they still hug and console and love.

This journey of life can be so stressful and yet so blissful. The ups and downs are much more tolerable with friends who love so deeply. To my armies of friends and relations….I could not possibly be more blessed to have each of you in my life…I love you all dearly ❤️❤️❤️

Always remember…if in doubt…reach out….

It has been said, and the older I get I believe, that in life people cross our paths for different reasons. There have been times that I lamented the decisions I made and the trajectory my life took as a result of what seemed an innocent enough choice…go here or go there…those last minute choices and who precisely crossed my path at that junction in time. It was during those moments of regret for past moves that one of my favorite lines became forever imbedded. From the book, Under The Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes, “Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different “.

Looking at my amazing grandchildren and my children..I realize that some of my most disastrous decisions led to the most beautiful outcomes. The beautiful friends I have had along this journey of life was also due to those choices.

As I sat with a dear friend I met only 18 months ago. We talked of how tedious life feels at times. Our chance meeting and how our lives have changed in these months.

Some enter our lives to teach us valuable lessons about life and ourselves. Some are here for a season to teach, to love, to receive love and nurturing then to move on. Then there are the ones who are here for the long road….the entire journey of our lives. The ones we cling to when our worlds feel as though they are crumbling all around us and who in turn clings to us when they are in the depths of pain or need to share the euphoria of a blissful moment. Yes, those friends that even if miles separate you physically they are always there to listen, to share and love. The calm in the storms, the riotous laughter in the joys and always always believing in one another.

Mistakes along the way..,definitely….but oh to just stop and count what blessings have arisen from so many of them. To know that even the slightest change in those sudden decisions and our lives would have turned out so differently. We would be elsewhere …we would be different.❤️❤️