Ironic I had just finished writing a little piece on creative chaos and my daughter sent a picture of my 2 year old granddaughter. She was wearing a sun hat, had her toy computer perched atop the kitchen trash can and apparently was writing away. Jokingly I shot back, “trash can compositions..what life is made of”.

How profoundly truthful that statement rung out with me…our life…our composition.. we can take what we consider to be our trash…and create such a beautiful composition!! It really is our choice …to remove those broken pieces we chunked into the trash thinking it was worthless… to start again with Gods gorilla glue..to begin to piece them together,..a stained glass composition that allows the bright sun to shine through. A light of color and life perhaps for others also to see that beauty can come from our broken pieces.

Ohhh this journey called life is filled with the trash we think is worthless but such beauty is to be found in piecing our broken pieces together….creating something new..something we never before could have imagined ❤️❤️🎨

On this bright sunny Sunday morning I am on the pillow ladened day bed that resides in the corner of my art studio. Sun is beaming through the windows, sliding door and skylights. Truly basking in this profusion of warmth and light I look around at the canvases, some painted and others waiting for life to be given. What joy this creative chaos brings to me. Paints, books, seashells, a plant anxiously waiting to go back on my deck….trinkets here and there…it fills my heart with contentment and pure love.

There is no coincidence that I sat down in here to enjoy the light at just this moment and remembered the online services at my church. These moments when I hear words that speak such life…not unlike these blank canvases waiting for color and life to be given to them from a creator of color and joy and life. Don’t you just love these coincidences? There are jars, cups and pottery filled with various sizes of brushes awaiting the hand of a creator to pick them up and take hold to unleash what purpose they were created for….adding life and color to some void surface.

Aren’t we all like these brushes…waiting to be used for the purpose for which we were created? Yes there is much chaos in this studio, much like my life, but there is also so much joy. Joy waiting to burst out in brilliant light and color….endless beauty….

What spark is there inside of you just waiting for a burst of joyous color to erupt onto your canvas of life? Perhaps it’s time for you, as well as me, to allow our creator to pick us up and allow Him to paint on our journey of life that purpose for which we were created.🎨🎨🙌…beauty in the creative chaos…

There is something so soothing and warming to my soul sitting out on my dock the hours just before sunset.

After a very busy work day and before I need to start the work tonight for tomorrow’s appointments…a quiet lull of contentment was necessary to stop and just BE for an hour. In the past I would have felt guilty for this indulgence with so much needing to be finished but I no longer have that need in my life. Just sitting here with a glass of wine and listening to the doves coo, mallards quacking, birds singing their hearts out and a boat in the distance…my heart is at ease tonight.

Yes the summer warmth is coming and my soul feels it. This is the time of day that the aloneness can creep in and I allow it to take over but not today…not today. Perhaps, with the warmth coming, I am letting the goodness of life begin to seep in. Flowers will soon adorn my deck and bring their colorful joy with them.

It’s as though the sun sparkling and glittering on the water right now is God and His universe reminding me that He’s got this. He’s got me. Tending to forget that as I do it’s a great …HELLO, I AM with you…right here in this moment!

Listening to one of my many many self help videos last night…. be grateful and then know of the desires of my heart that..” it’s this or something better”.

In this warm moment of quietude …there could be no better…it’s just this…this moment..listening….being…savoring the last rays of this warm day’s sun…content.,.

In my journey of life it’s really all I need to know…He’s got me…❤️❤️

That elusive pot of gold….it’s what life can feel like at times..always chasing something or someone. From people to success..it is exhausting, hurtful, unfulfilling and never attainable.

To go within and do the work to find the wounding from earlier years…to accept that we are enough in our own right..to need no outside validation from anyone to feel that we are worthy of love and acceptance just as we are. Period!

It is not selfish but indeed an act of love to think of ourselves first and foremost in our own lives. Self care and love should be taught from childhood. To survive and thrive we must stop and realize that we count..our hurts and feelings do count..if we do not think of and care for ourselves ..who will? It is not the responsibility of anyone else, as an adult, to nurture and feed our lack of self love. No matter how we chase that butterfly it will always elude us. We cannot find anything continually positive or any kind of lasting love without… if we do not first feel it within..it is not humanly possible.

Never would I deign to pass judgement on another when I can’t possibly know what hurt they are dealing with or knowing their battles. To sit in harsh judgment of anyone is a dangerous and destructive roller coaster with no good outcome for anyone. Their life and choices are not ours to determine on any level.

With that said we cannot allow another’s opinion to cause us to sit in harsh judgment of ourselves. We need to give ourselves the same courtesy that we extend to others. If I will not pass harsh judgment on anyone else then why would I rip myself apart doing that same thing to me? Rhetorical I know but we need to remember that when life becomes cold and chaos is surrounding us to be gentle with ourselves..extend the same kindness inward that we do outward…yes we count…yes we are enough…yes we are worthy of love and acceptance. It is not selfish it is necessary for life…for our very air to breathe.

Stop chasing love…stop chasing life …stop chasing approval…stop and just BE…breathe..accept..be thankful and grateful ..love you..love life and what it is that you dream. That elusive pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow already exists inside of your lovable worthy heart..it’s there inside YOU…nobody can steal that away from you!

This journey called life, our journey, is ours alone..nobody can live it for us..stop chasing and live it with every ounce of your being ❤️❤️❤️ the journey is short…don’t waste a second of it…

There are days that it’s difficult to behave in ways that society deems appropriate. When our souls are aching with grief from loss trying to get to any light is beyond possible.

My dear friend has lost her sweet father and her pain is tangible. How my heart hurts for her. Anger is the stage of grief I see in her presently. She apologized for being angry…my response was to share with her what I have felt for almost 6 years now. In the darkness of our souls pain it’s difficult to find light some days. It is so very difficult on those days when nothing makes sense, in our excruciating ache of losing someone so dear to us, to find even a glimmer of light anywhere. In our times of anger there are moments that we don’t even want to see light…just feel angry and stay with it til it passes. Learning to stop and sit in that anger for a bit has been a challenge for me for sure. When we have been taught our entire life that it’s not good to be angry makes the acceptance of that emotion hard to reconcile in our mind. As I have written before …about just staying with it, feeling it and not judging….just feeling and letting it be there…just observing the anger or whatever emotion is there…then letting it go. I’ll admit there are days I cannot let it go. The waves of agonizing grief on those days takes me under and I succumb to the abyss of darkness in those moments…then it passes..til the next wave rolls in..and they always will roll back in. Some months the waves are farther apart than others but the waves will always roll back in. Learning to ride them without going under is the challenge.

Learning to accept that grief does not ever go away and to recognize that fact can be daunting. In time you learn to just accept that as a new part of your life. I am still learning between the waves to find light, joy and whatever happiness I can find in anything. It’s a process…the process of life, death and ongoing grief.

Yes, society tells us anger and grief should be left behind closed doors. It cannot be stuffed down or hidden… mostly from ourselves. Sit with it and observe it without becoming it..this is part of our journey. Only we can determine when to feel and how we feel..there is no rule to follow..only our heart can determine what and when..nobody else❤️

It’s a bit chilly outside so snuggled in close to the wood stove in my cozy kitchen with a cup of tea is quite serene or perhaps tranquil is a better choice of words. There’s something about the warmth the fire puts out and the steam from the hot tea that soothes my soul. Opening the glass door to add another log heat penetrates my face and I feel the warmth spread over me. Whether it’s the sun on a summer’s day or the fire on a chilly winter’s day… it’s the warmth my soul is absorbing that sustains and feeds that human need to feel touched. It’s like a warm gentle kiss on my cheek and I smile in its glow.

It is the first full week of the new year and as I bask in this warmth I muse over what the dawn of this new year will set into motion. New pages to fill, new canvases to cover, new photographs of new memories to capture, new relationships to forge and all those sunrises, sunsets and moon glows to marvel at their breathtaking beauty. As I take down my Christmas decorations and eventually my beautiful tree I always wonder what will transpire before I pull all these baubles out again in a year…what will have changed, will I still be here, will all my family and friends still be here and will life as I know it be changed again forever?

While new dawns, days and years can be intimidating they can also be thrilling. As we have all said and read, “the only thing for certain is that things will change”. We can only be here in this present time, enjoying what happiness or joy is here, until such time that it again changes and we keep moving.

There’s a blank canvas in my studio calling out to me to see what will emerge as I begin to cover it. Our ever changing canvas on this journey of life is waiting to see what will emerge as we contemplate what color to begin applying….make it a bright, warm happy color that fills your soul with joy! Open the gift of today. Happy New Day and Year my friends❤️

The sixth holiday season without you is upon me…..

I do wish I could honestly say that it is getting easier but that just is not the case. Aching does not adequately define what I feel in my soul without you💔. No matter how deep the breath….it is always short of feeling complete. The balloon with the small hole that no matter how much air is blown into it….it continues to seep out and deflate. No matter what I attempt to patch it with it will always have that leaking hole. Always running and searching for something else to patch and fill it…relentlessly seeking solace anywhere….only to end back at ache.

No matter how much I rant and belittle myself for not being able to accept and move forward I end up back here…a collapsed sobbing mess of humanity. Perhaps in accepting my humanity and brokenness is where I need to begin. To rephrase, “what is wrong with me”, to , “what is right with me”. So difficult! Why is it so much easier to shred ourselves in our brokenness than to embrace our wounded hearts with loving kindness? No it is not playing the victim, as some so eloquently phrase it…it is feeling what I feel. No longer will I allow anyone to guilt me for what I feel!! Until you have walked in these shoes wear your own slippers.

This year of isolation for so many has not helped us along in our quest for calmness and acceptance of what IS. For a time isolation can bring clarity in determining what is actually important in life but then it begins to erode our sense of purpose. When that purpose can’t be found easily the coldness can rapidly overtake us.

It is in this coldness that I find myself today wondering if this pain will ever cease to be. I will mourn the loss of your sweet loving heart and exquisite sense of humor this Thursday. Spending it without you once again but possibly totally alone as well. I will look for any remote sign that you are here with me laughing your amazing riotous laugh…So as this Thanksgiving week begins I will search not only for a sense of your presence here but also for a calmness and purpose that only God can give.

I have read a saying recently that…. “ one day someone will hug you so tightly that all the broken pieces will glue together “. Hope is all I can bank that saying on today. A single small shred of hope not just for the holiday season but for whatever days remain in my journey of life. Always awaiting that elusive hug❤️

My daughter dreamed of her brother last night and the pain of remembering he is gone this morning has pulled her down that slippery slope of grief. It is always there but some days it is so much deeper and raw.

The gray clouds today match the somber minutes in remembering him. He would hate that we are sad. It just wasn’t who he was….laughter, smiles and endless jokes. There were days that the smiles and jokes were there to cover his pains from loss as well. For the most part he was a happy guy wanting everyone to be happy.

Even on the gray of today I will hold dear in my heart the sweet sweet boy my child was. I will remember in this rawness what he wanted everyone to feel and be…pure joy!

This journey has its sadness along the way but also has joy. The remainder of this day I will choose the joy in holding him close in my soul.,..he is here with us!!💔💔❤️❤️❤️

Sitting out on the dock behind my home…one of those pristinely beautiful days…blue blue skies with big fluffy white clouds scattered across them, no humidity and a crisp wind blowing ….. sound of the waves the wind and the few boaters out are creating …you know those days….sitting and soaking in life at its calmest. Warm sun, cool breeze ..can you feel it? Close your eyes and see it?

In the past when I needed this feeling in my mind I went to the oceans shore. Heard the waves and felt the mist on my face..the sun shining down to warm me. Now I can walk out on my dock and be in a new calming place.

Wanting to find a creative muse this morning I have walked out here with camera, sketch book and journal to see what happened to inspire. ANCHOR just keeps turning over in my head. This writing started to develop around it..anchor…

My son had a large anchor tattoo with his daughters name across the base.

His good friend, Eric, designed a smaller version for me with a microphone in the center and hearts cut out on the base and top..prominently now tattooed on my arm (a bit larger than I had planned). In remembrance of my son…

We “drop anchor “ to hold our boats in place..much like coming out on the dock anchors my mind and heart,,,grounds me when I need to stop and be…not do… just stop and inhale.

They seem to pop up everywhere,, they remind me of my sweet son …and I smile and know he’s near me…his love of the water and it’s calming to our souls is embedded in my family.

Anchor…to set, to hold firm, fasten, hitch, moor…

After watching my church’s online service today..about change…how we have to really want it..not just “sit” in our acceptance of what is….. I serendipitously had another following pop up ….. reminding me how God truly cares about even the smallest details of our lives… 2 anchors thrown out to me back to back…there are NO coincidences anywhere!

My path was crossed in late April and in early May it was suggested, in kindness, that I seemed to be “sitting in it”. That wise person has recently moved on from my life but I learned much about myself the last several months…change is needed greatly…to survive living..to stop just existing…to breathe life in fully…….change!

Switchfoot’s song, “Dare you to Move”, just came to mind..so I played it..really heard the words this time.. noooo coincidences.. take a minute to open it in utube..well worth the listen …..I dare you to move…Live like today never happened before..maybe redemption is right where you fell (maybe when your anchor drifted without being aware it was moving ever so subtly…like mine has been)

So today I see that to change we have to really want it..God cares about our minute details…make sure our anchor is placed firmly so we don’t drift and it is the correct anchor carefully chosen and placed. I clearly felt this sketch bubble out…

Settle into change where it’s needed on this journey called life………..make sure you have THE anchor……I dare you to move…..

As I sat watching yet another phenomenal sunrise this morning I couldn’t help but feel how small I am in the vastness of this universe. Less than a pin dot. Feeling so lost the last few weeks, actually years, to become lost in the sunrise was cathartic. We are on this journey of life for such a blip. Last week I lost 2 childhood friends; one to COVID and one to cancer. It was a very sobering week to remember such heart felt memories about these 2 sweet people. It puts parts of my life in perspective to look at its brevity and to truly believe that today is a gift. Losing my son 5 years ago started the journey of being, attempting anyway, to live in this present moment, to relish every part of this moment. Even the moments that feel as though I cannot take another step..I cannot handle this pain and hurt again… wanting to close off my tender heart from all hurt. Ahhh but if I close off my heart and never risk, that true gut wrenching at times, ability to really feel..to really live..then truly what is the point if I feel nothing?

Today choose to live..feel all that is there to feel..breathe in life. Watch the sunrise and the sunset in the wonder of seeing it for the first time. Look up at those beautiful cerulean skies and the clouds and simmer in the majestic beauty of it all. Really feel it in your soul! Our essence is life and love …risk feeling it all.

This journey called life is fleeting….don’t miss a second more of it. Feel what you feel and know it’s a good thing❤️