My mother was always one to quote the scriptures. “This too shall pass”, being the most frequent when things got chaotic.

Going through so many losses the last few years has brought that to mind so many times. Last night unpacking the last box, from my recent move, I ran across the birthday card and Mother’s Day card my son sent me the year before his death. I cried, then smiled, as I packed them away. One was humorous, as was his nature, but the Mother’s Day card was very poignant, as could he be as well. My grief counselor has been telling me how I need to live again but until last night I just felt too guilty to go there. My friends have continued to listen, love and provide hugs. For that I am eternally grateful!! They are the absolute best!!

As I begin my new life, on my own now, I am reminded of how truly short life is. If things or people don’t add to my life and only suck me dry they will no longer be a part of it. At one point I felt guilty about that but no longer. As of today I choose life and the abundance of purely living in the “right now”! That is truly all we have, this present moment. Because, “this too shall pass “, I’m grabbing hold of every second of every day and living and breathing in life!! No longer will I allow anyone to speak down to me or disrespect me in any way ever again. My new mindset is fixed now! I am alive and I am enough! To the ones who are bringing me such joy right now you are above and beyond anything I could ever have wished for. You remind me that, I am enough and today, this moment, simply being alive is such a gift!! YOU are such a gift because we know that, in all of life, This too shall pass…..❤️

When I first felt you move inside me a love so fiercely intense began to form…

The day I buried you part of my soul went with you and a love so fiercely intense became an inferno….

Where the water meets the horizon

At the sunrise

At the sunset

Uproarious laughter

Music

Small children at play

Summer thunderstorms

Wind rustling leaves in autumn

Soft blankets of snow in winter

Birds and blossoms of spring

Lawn mowers whirring

Boat motors churning on the creek

Tweedle Dee birds

Electric blue eyes

Summer personified

Crystal blue skies

Sun rays bursting through the clouds

Pecan pie

Bonfires

Guitars and microphones

Brilliant smile

Deep love

Friendships

All these things are you.

We miss you on this anniversary of the day I gave birth to a brilliant son who we mourn for but are blessed to have had in our lives and the immense joy you brought to us all💔

Jonathan David Mickey

6/16/77 – 3/8/15

Vulnerability. I’ve always hated being vulnerable. Recently I’ve come to believe and understand that instead of being a curse it’s what makes me who I am. To be vulnerable is to be transparently open. Empathic to a degree of physical pain when those I know and care for are hurting. I acutely feel their pain from my own personal experiences. Sympathetic to the degree of sadness when I know another’s heart hurts. I ache for the hurting soul.

I listened to Brene Brown speak about her research on vulnerability and came away with such a different perception of myself. It’s risky business to say, “I love you”, first or to care about someone when it may not be wanted. Oh, but to take those risks is to really live.

For far too many decades I have lived in fear of being me and who I was created to be. I am vulnerability and emotion. I am passionate about life and love. Music, art and dancing are my soul. The water is my solace. Warm Summer nights with honeysuckle and cicadas make my heart sing. Turning my face to the sun gives me strength and energy. Never again will I apologize for being my true self! This is me and who I am. Sometimes it’s messy and hard to handle. Sometimes it’s laughter and sunshine. It is always from my soul and from emotion so profoundly deep that some may call it a weakness. It is however just the opposite…it is raw pure courage. It takes courage to risk rejection on this journey called life. It is in that risking that you truly come alive and possibly really live for the first time ever!

I will always risk love and remain vulnerable……it brings the freedom of being true to myself ❤️

Breathing is taken for granted…..until you can’t!

Decisions are made at any given moment on this journey of life. Some quickly without a trace of thought and others painstakingly slow with utmost care. It seems that regardless of the thought put into them that there is just no guarantee than either process will turn out the way we had imagined they would. Which college to choose if any at all, what job to focus on, getting married, having children these are the larger more thought provoking decisions. To buy or rent a home, what car to drive, these are costly decisions but less daunting than the first ones. Vacation at the beach or mountains and can I afford either one? As you go down the list the decisions grow less complicated. Once the big ones are settled you’re home free and life is as smooth as possible for life anyway. Or is it?

Months and/or years trickle by and suddenly you stop and wonder at what point did my living suddenly become existing? When did the intake of air become so difficult? When did the laughter cease to be so often? Children leave home, jobs change, finances whether good or bad both affect our attitudes, marriages stop making sense. When did I lose myself in this shuffle and how do I get to who I am and where I fit any longer? It is these questions I struggle with when my lungs refuse to inflate because there just isn’t enough oxygen. Life has spit me out in a very arid place.

The deaths of my son, my mother and my dear brother in law have left huge irreparable holes in my heart and life. Those holes, while not defining me, have jarred my existence. Those losses have impacted every other part of my living. Perhaps those stressors created the cancer that was addressed mid winter. The marriage I once thought was secure has diminished and ended.

Decisions and choices I have made in my history haunt me to the point of near paralysis. But non of us are immune to life and it’s trials or victories whether from the control we have over our choices or what life has just dealt us. I daily remind myself to put one foot in front of the other. Choose life and not just existing. Life is far too short to continually allow past decisions to dictate the balance of what remains. To wallow in regretting the past I think is ok for a little while. To work through the pain and effect of poor choices is grueling. At the next breath though it’s time to rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and choose life again. Breathe in a fresh new air, turn our faces to the sun and move on. Move on to what I do not know but it’s to live once more breathing deeply. Choices will be weighed much more carefully because the last quarter of life is to be the best!!!

Come and grow old with me…the best is yet to be. Emerson

There are days, even months at times, that self doubt and the questioning is there, just beyond, lurking in the shadows. What is it that is within us that draws us to those dark places of doubting ourselves? Is it our lack of self worth? If so where in our journey did we begin to believe that lie? What will it take to convince us that it is indeed a horrific lie?

From childhood, particularly in the south, I was told to stand straight, pay attention and above all never go out in public without your makeup on, dressed properly and to smile. At some point I began to feel that I just did not measure up. My worth was somehow based on what others perceived me to be whether genuine or pretentious. What difference did any of it matter if there was no light in my heart? No sunshine to radiate out of me to others if it was only surface appearance. My self worth began to be based not on my inner strengths but on what validation I received back not even realizing it had happened. I cannot speak for men but I do know so many women who get their validation from everyone other than themselves . Our value and happiness comes from within US not anyone else.

Our smile is our sunshine to others that it’s ok to approach us and we will listen and care about you and your heart. I’m not saying you shouldn’t look your best but it’s your heart that shines through to others not what you are wearing or how good your posture or where you went to school. Nobody other than ourselves can define who we are or how happy we are within our own skin. My heart aches for the one who has been beaten down with this lie…only we can decide if we will be happy! Choose happiness and sunshine today ❤️

Our journeys WILL have shadows and dark nights but our smiling sunshine that’s in our soul will find its way out. Be a ray of sunshine in another’s shadows but don’t forget to lighten up your own shadows first.

Above all know you have worth first to yourself then it will radiate out of you to everyone you touch ❤️❤️🌞

There’s something about watching the waves rush in then glide back out. Quite calming when the waters are tranquil and quiet. Then not so much when they are rough and the sea is roiling.

So much of life’s journeys are like those waves. Those moments when we just want to bury our toes in the cool on the edge of the hot sand. Letting our thoughts and emotions run in and out with the gentle waves. Staring into a sunrise or sunset and feeling one with the enormous scheme of things in our great cosmos. Yet so small in that big picture. Small but knowing we matter.

Yet when that same beautiful calm blue water begins to turn dark and murky with shades of gray and begin to churn and roil in all directions it becomes disturbing and at times frightening. We are, in those moments, small, insignificant and helpless against those strong pulling currents. At those times do we give in and fall prey to the angry waves wanting to suck us out into the cold and darkness or do we bolster ourselves against them with a resolve so great they cannot cause us to succumb.

I’ve felt both that calm serenity and the overwhelming fear of being pulled under into a dark so dismal there appears to be no way out. As the 4th anniversary of my son’s death approaches that wave of deep, earth shaking grief threatens to drag me in and back into the abyss of utter despair. Listening to him on video this morning sing one of his favorite songs, John Mellencamp’s, “Between a Laugh and a Tear”, I cried uncontrollably before I could regain any semblance of quiet. He would hate this for me. His laughter and love is what he wants me to hold onto.

So today I will concentrate on and take my mind to those gentle soothing waves. Trying to recall and accept the calming that the breathing in and out of the waves rhythms brings.

Life’s journeys continue as must we all to remember what has been lost but more importantly what we have gained in what we have learned in that loss.

Let the gentleness of the calming waves soothe your soul today as they are mine. The resolve to remember the love and laughter is far greater that the despair of loss. This I know is what Jonathan wants for me and he sends his strength to bolster me.❤️

One thing is for absolute certain….there will always be change.

Our journey is humming along. The sun is shining. Great tunes on the radio . Our last business appointment was fantastic. Great dinner planned for the evening…..and you get the call from your surgeon…your breath catches as you hear…it was good you pushed for the biopsy..it is cancer!

After my sons death I knew there would never be anything in this life that would be worse. That still stands true!

There is something about hearing those words spoken directly to you, “You have cancer”, a brain freeze of sorts. There’s no history of cancer in my family. Why right now? I didn’t think, Why me just Why NOW?!

It has just been a few months since I helped my sister try to sort through her life after loosing her husband of 50 years. A part of me snapped during those weeks with her. My life has been so unhappy for so many years… I’m changing it…

Getting back to the gym and back to eating healthy again was making all the difference in my attitude. It also helped me see the harder changes that needed to be made and I’m still working through them. So WHY NOW?

Knowing what I know about heartache and gut wrenching anguish along side of just life in general…..nothing happens without a reason…there are NO coincidences…these glitches in our plans…have a purpose and reason to them!

My cancer is non aggressive and, as cancer goes, easily treatable . On the other hand I have a friend going through far more with her breast cancer than I am or will. We have been able to pull along side each other and offer support. There are things I have been able to direct her to that she would not have known about. My lumpectomy was yesterday and I will use the mistletoe complimentary approach for my treatments. Had it not been right NOW I could not be along side her!

The Kelly Clarkson song , “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”, could not be more true.

A couple of days ago a friend called me, a steel magnolia, and I believe I agree with her. The strength, as a woman, I possess is unprecedented. Along this journey I have endured more than most women will ever have to endure (there are those with farrrr worse circumstances) and looking back I know those “glitches” have defined a mental, physical and faith based strength to which very few could stand through.

Grab your glitches with both hands and give birth to the steel you have always had within you. It’s there and part of your journey.

The Earth spins… our hearts beat in time..seasons of life’s journey begin and end…breathe in breathe out….sunrises sunsets..winters snows… springs buds breaking forth…summers fragrant flowers…autumn’s blazing leaves …. breathe in breathe out…the oceans tides..the moon reflecting on the waters…the sand between your toes…the seagulls screaming as they sail across the winds…breathe in breathe out..a baby’s newborn cry… the aged tears of regret…marriages delirious joy…divorces resignation….breathe in breathe out….

A line from a Jimmy Buffet song says, “I bought a watch from a crazy old man. It doesn’t use numbers or moving hands it always just reads NOW. Breathe in breathe out. Move on.”

The moving on can be devastating and fearful and yet exhilarating and motivating. There are painful things left behind and intriguing things ahead to explore in time.

Life and circumstances change in a heartbeat and it’s certain that it will.

In this journey called life…breathe in breathe out and keep moving on. With all that is within you live, really live, NOW!

Prior fb post

Music…..brings so many images to our minds and provokes our senses to come alive and truly live . Sometimes it is to relive moments of joy and unabashed freedom and other times it can drop us to our knees in memories that feel far too heavy to bear.

There are so many videos of my son singing his heart out to fb from his music room or onstage with his beloved bands…most recent of which was, and still is together, Sugar Jack. He came alive when he sang. I believe most boys grow up wanting to be rock stars. He was a boating man and a musician and to him that’s where all happiness abounded. He really was a Rock Star and we all benefited from his love of music and life ❤️

The guys still put his Doc Martens onstage with a replica of his favorite band, Social Distortion’s, lead guitarist guitar🎈

I visit Jonathan’s grave site when I go back home where he is buried near relatives. That day I was reminded of the sermon I had heard years before about the “Dash that Defines us”. As I sat and chatted with him and played some of his favorite music I was struck by just how great it was that he lived his 37 year dash to its fullest. It’s something I believe we forget as we travel this journey called life…..it is indeed the “journey ” and to live ferociously in the NOW!!!❤️