There’s something about watching the waves rush in then glide back out. Quite calming when the waters are tranquil and quiet. Then not so much when they are rough and the sea is roiling.

So much of life’s journeys are like those waves. Those moments when we just want to bury our toes in the cool on the edge of the hot sand. Letting our thoughts and emotions run in and out with the gentle waves. Staring into a sunrise or sunset and feeling one with the enormous scheme of things in our great cosmos. Yet so small in that big picture. Small but knowing we matter.

Yet when that same beautiful calm blue water begins to turn dark and murky with shades of gray and begin to churn and roil in all directions it becomes disturbing and at times frightening. We are, in those moments, small, insignificant and helpless against those strong pulling currents. At those times do we give in and fall prey to the angry waves wanting to suck us out into the cold and darkness or do we bolster ourselves against them with a resolve so great they cannot cause us to succumb.

I’ve felt both that calm serenity and the overwhelming fear of being pulled under into a dark so dismal there appears to be no way out. As the 4th anniversary of my son’s death approaches that wave of deep, earth shaking grief threatens to drag me in and back into the abyss of utter despair. Listening to him on video this morning sing one of his favorite songs, John Mellencamp’s, “Between a Laugh and a Tear”, I cried uncontrollably before I could regain any semblance of quiet. He would hate this for me. His laughter and love is what he wants me to hold onto.

So today I will concentrate on and take my mind to those gentle soothing waves. Trying to recall and accept the calming that the breathing in and out of the waves rhythms brings.

Life’s journeys continue as must we all to remember what has been lost but more importantly what we have gained in what we have learned in that loss.

Let the gentleness of the calming waves soothe your soul today as they are mine. The resolve to remember the love and laughter is far greater that the despair of loss. This I know is what Jonathan wants for me and he sends his strength to bolster me.❤️

One thing is for absolute certain….there will always be change.

Our journey is humming along. The sun is shining. Great tunes on the radio . Our last business appointment was fantastic. Great dinner planned for the evening…..and you get the call from your surgeon…your breath catches as you hear…it was good you pushed for the biopsy..it is cancer!

After my sons death I knew there would never be anything in this life that would be worse. That still stands true!

There is something about hearing those words spoken directly to you, “You have cancer”, a brain freeze of sorts. There’s no history of cancer in my family. Why right now? I didn’t think, Why me just Why NOW?!

It has just been a few months since I helped my sister try to sort through her life after loosing her husband of 50 years. A part of me snapped during those weeks with her. My life has been so unhappy for so many years… I’m changing it…

Getting back to the gym and back to eating healthy again was making all the difference in my attitude. It also helped me see the harder changes that needed to be made and I’m still working through them. So WHY NOW?

Knowing what I know about heartache and gut wrenching anguish along side of just life in general…..nothing happens without a reason…there are NO coincidences…these glitches in our plans…have a purpose and reason to them!

My cancer is non aggressive and, as cancer goes, easily treatable . On the other hand I have a friend going through far more with her breast cancer than I am or will. We have been able to pull along side each other and offer support. There are things I have been able to direct her to that she would not have known about. My lumpectomy was yesterday and I will use the mistletoe complimentary approach for my treatments. Had it not been right NOW I could not be along side her!

The Kelly Clarkson song , “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”, could not be more true.

A couple of days ago a friend called me, a steel magnolia, and I believe I agree with her. The strength, as a woman, I possess is unprecedented. Along this journey I have endured more than most women will ever have to endure (there are those with farrrr worse circumstances) and looking back I know those “glitches” have defined a mental, physical and faith based strength to which very few could stand through.

Grab your glitches with both hands and give birth to the steel you have always had within you. It’s there and part of your journey.

The Earth spins… our hearts beat in time..seasons of life’s journey begin and end…breathe in breathe out….sunrises sunsets..winters snows… springs buds breaking forth…summers fragrant flowers…autumn’s blazing leaves …. breathe in breathe out…the oceans tides..the moon reflecting on the waters…the sand between your toes…the seagulls screaming as they sail across the winds…breathe in breathe out..a baby’s newborn cry… the aged tears of regret…marriages delirious joy…divorces resignation….breathe in breathe out….

A line from a Jimmy Buffet song says, “I bought a watch from a crazy old man. It doesn’t use numbers or moving hands it always just reads NOW. Breathe in breathe out. Move on.”

The moving on can be devastating and fearful and yet exhilarating and motivating. There are painful things left behind and intriguing things ahead to explore in time.

Life and circumstances change in a heartbeat and it’s certain that it will.

In this journey called life…breathe in breathe out and keep moving on. With all that is within you live, really live, NOW!

Prior fb post

Music…..brings so many images to our minds and provokes our senses to come alive and truly live . Sometimes it is to relive moments of joy and unabashed freedom and other times it can drop us to our knees in memories that feel far too heavy to bear.

There are so many videos of my son singing his heart out to fb from his music room or onstage with his beloved bands…most recent of which was, and still is together, Sugar Jack. He came alive when he sang. I believe most boys grow up wanting to be rock stars. He was a boating man and a musician and to him that’s where all happiness abounded. He really was a Rock Star and we all benefited from his love of music and life ❤️

The guys still put his Doc Martens onstage with a replica of his favorite band, Social Distortion’s, lead guitarist guitar🎈

I visit Jonathan’s grave site when I go back home where he is buried near relatives. That day I was reminded of the sermon I had heard years before about the “Dash that Defines us”. As I sat and chatted with him and played some of his favorite music I was struck by just how great it was that he lived his 37 year dash to its fullest. It’s something I believe we forget as we travel this journey called life…..it is indeed the “journey ” and to live ferociously in the NOW!!!❤️

It was just 2 weeks after my sons death that the depth of character and life in the way he touched everyone jolted me. Once we exit this journey it doesn’t matter how educated we were or how wealthy we were that counts. Did we leave even one person better for having known us? Did even one person smile a little longer when we walked away from them? Was one left living because we were there when they couldn’t go on one more step? If even one was left better because we lived we measure up❤️

The trip back to St Maarten was so exciting. For weeks I had feared it would not come to pass. Finally on the plane I relaxed I was actually going to get that much longed for return visit. Quick trip to the grocery store to stock the kitchen for the week and off for fresh lobster on the beach. A beautiful end to the day sitting by the pool and watching the amazing show of stars play across the sky.  A quick note off to my daughter and a humorous picture of a monkey in a karate suite back from my hysterically funny son.  Yes it was a perfect day and set up for the coming week.

Just a few short hours after my funny picture from my son….his life ended on an icy road back home in Maryland.  He hit ice, over corrected and died instantly when his car collided with an electrical pole.  That was the report I got from the police officer days later.

It took my daughter hours to get through to tell us the devastating news.  He died at 1:21 and it was after 8:30 before I received the news…the earth ceased to turn that morning and life as I had known it would never be the same again.

I looked out on the bright sunshine beaming across the deep blue ocean…it was like golden glitter sparkling on the gentle waves.  It was beyond my comprehension how there could be such glorious beauty when my life ceased to make sense.

As a parent there is always that tiny fear that hides away in the mind “What if”.  The moment it crashes into your brain there is shut down.  There’s simply no words that can describe the numbing anguish that washed through me! It is now 3 1/2 years later and the part that died along with him that night, I now know, will never be alive again. High functioning at best but always the grief lies shallowly below the surface.

Jonathan was one of the funniest people to ever have graced this ball of earth. He made people cry with laughter and hated anyone to feel down.  People felt better for having known him.  Countless friends and people I never knew have shared how he changed their lives. He was a good man and a good father.  His daughter was 5 when he left us.

On those moments when I again see that brilliant sunlight beaming down through the clouds….I see his radiant smile breaking through the clouds to remind us he is still here and watching over us.

He would be 41 now and is still making us laugh when we recall his antics and just pure silliness.  You are gone from us physically my son but forever with us in spirit. I miss you every second of every day ❤️

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton