Control freak…how many times do we hear that when things go awry for people? They can’t handle it when they can’t control the outcome or that relationship ended because one or the other couldn’t control the other person or themselves.
Today at work I cried over low numbers and the fact a client had decided not to place a large order that would definitely have helped a slow month. My emotions drained me over what I thought was not being able to get a grip with it and keep pushing. I could not. Get a grip orrr keep pushing. I wanted to give up and go home. A coworker talked me down and I stayed the remaining 2 hours. Still feeling somehow sucker punched I couldn’t lose the empty hollow feeling that had swept over me.
Crying most of the way home I wanted desperately to go to get a hug and be consoled by my biggest cheerleader. Suddenly feeling guilty now for going to dump that on them I decided to turn and go home.
After staring at the wall for a few hours in deep contemplation tonight it hit me. As are most very emotional reactions…it’s never that thing that it’s about…my triggers were hit. LOSS!!!
There is no control over numbers or what people do or do not do. It wasn’t about that or the income hit…it was no control over the loss of it…the true loss surfaced tonight for which there was and is absolutely no control. I lost my child and I had no control over it. Then or now. It slashes deep.
Any of us who have lost someone we loved feels that sense of no control. I can now add this to my list of triggers to know when it hits to stop a bit and collect myself and breathe. That completely drained feeling that can overcome us in an instant… to realize it’s not weakness but a vulnerability that makes us compassionate humans. We loved greatly and intensely and that does not end when we can no longer see or touch them. In some ways the intensity is magnified because we have no control over it. Folks mean well when they say remember the good times and think about those times. Some days that just is not possible. Those days we may just need to cry til the tears stop…knowing they will surface again…then journal or take a walk..or simply sit with it and breathe deeply…
Tonight I have sat with it and breathed and regrouped. I did reach back out to my cheerleader and was reassured they were still there.
So to those of you who are hurting out there, I hurt for you and with you. As the 10 year anniversary of my greatest loss approaches I know the tearful moments will continue to surface. Rather than feeling weak I will allow my human vulnerability, which is our greatest virtue and strength, to be present and feel through it,..
This journey of life is still beautiful even in our darkest moments. Remembering the good and precious moments do not remove our anguish but they can bring a smile. After we allow our tears to flush through…again…knowing that wave will return….but like the ocean waves they wash back out again as well.
I love you sweet friends❤️ take a moment to reach out to a friend or even an acquaintance to let them know you are there for them if they need you…we alll need our cheerleader some days more than others🪷🪷🪷
Reflections on Life’s Journeys 