Mist or Sunshine…

Hurry up I’m waiting on you…his voice trailed off in the mist…that faint giggle resonating down the foggy path.,.

Right here behind you …where did you go? In the heavy darkness and mist I can’t see you now.

Not far ahead of you, come on! Would you just hurry up please? You’re going to love this it’s so beautiful…

Somehow I’ve gotten off the path. I think I’m lost …keep talking so I know the way…can’t see or hear you now…I’m definitely lost!

Waking up with a start the alarm sounds so foreign…what is that noise? Waiting for the pounding in my chest to slow I realize all too well that familiar ache…lost, just lost. That same dream once again.

In the now 6 years since my sons fatal accident this dream haunts me. On occasion I actually see, talk to him and hug him but mostly searching in a mist. His laughter and urging me on to follow him…but I can’t see him or find my way. Loss affects us all in different ways at different times. It’s the lost feeling of emptiness and something we can’t control or change. Always searching but lost….lost is such an abysmal feeling..which way to turn..what to feel..what to think or do…

A tempest of emotions with confusion turning to raging anger in a split second. None of which we can stop..only how we choose to react to that loss of control.

Choosing..therein lies the turning point..some days choosing life and sunshine is easier but most of the time my choice seems to turn in a downward spiral. Depression…maybe. Grief..definitely. Needing to let go…absolutely.

Letting go means so many things. I truly believe there is a fear when you’ve lost someone that if you let go of them it’s wrong. It’s somehow not ok to feel happiness and guilt stops us from attempting to be whole again. Perhaps not whole, as a huge piece of us is missing, but fully functioning. There’s a fear also that others will forget him..forget he lived and laughed and loved. He was larger than life for so many…I don’t want them to forget him. They won’t…they won’t.

Such a work in progress in the healing of losing Jonathan. Just saying his name feels healing somehow. When you talk to someone who has lost their child..speak their name..it’s healing ..it’s remembering..

Another small step in the healing on my journey of life. Life and loss both exist side by side. It’s how we choose to react when encountering each of them that makes or breaks us.

As I return to the possibility of another dream…I’m choosing life regardless of how heavy the mist or how bright the sunshine.❤️perhaps more healing is eminent.