Leaking balloon…

The sixth holiday season without you is upon me…..

I do wish I could honestly say that it is getting easier but that just is not the case. Aching does not adequately define what I feel in my soul without you💔. No matter how deep the breath….it is always short of feeling complete. The balloon with the small hole that no matter how much air is blown into it….it continues to seep out and deflate. No matter what I attempt to patch it with it will always have that leaking hole. Always running and searching for something else to patch and fill it…relentlessly seeking solace anywhere….only to end back at ache.

No matter how much I rant and belittle myself for not being able to accept and move forward I end up back here…a collapsed sobbing mess of humanity. Perhaps in accepting my humanity and brokenness is where I need to begin. To rephrase, “what is wrong with me”, to , “what is right with me”. So difficult! Why is it so much easier to shred ourselves in our brokenness than to embrace our wounded hearts with loving kindness? No it is not playing the victim, as some so eloquently phrase it…it is feeling what I feel. No longer will I allow anyone to guilt me for what I feel!! Until you have walked in these shoes wear your own slippers.

This year of isolation for so many has not helped us along in our quest for calmness and acceptance of what IS. For a time isolation can bring clarity in determining what is actually important in life but then it begins to erode our sense of purpose. When that purpose can’t be found easily the coldness can rapidly overtake us.

It is in this coldness that I find myself today wondering if this pain will ever cease to be. I will mourn the loss of your sweet loving heart and exquisite sense of humor this Thursday. Spending it without you once again but possibly totally alone as well. I will look for any remote sign that you are here with me laughing your amazing riotous laugh…So as this Thanksgiving week begins I will search not only for a sense of your presence here but also for a calmness and purpose that only God can give.

I have read a saying recently that…. “ one day someone will hug you so tightly that all the broken pieces will glue together “. Hope is all I can bank that saying on today. A single small shred of hope not just for the holiday season but for whatever days remain in my journey of life. Always awaiting that elusive hug❤️