To what end … that gypsy soul…

Just read a quote in a book…”you are not broken, you are becoming “…interesting thought with my current mindset.

Becoming what? What, if there actually is one, is the point?? Why am I here? I presently see no logic in any of it or anything else for that matter !

5 years ago my soul shattered…..but even before that horrid night…I never felt that I truly belonged anywhere. It was with the death of my son that the search to belong and find myself for the first time began in earnest. In that moment of loss and excruciating pain….the desperate need to belong somewhere, anywhere but where I was became incessant. To be accepted for who I am finally…but to first know myself who that is…

Perhaps the need to belong is really the need to be heard and seen for who we truly are….who we were born to be..that gypsy bohemian artist soul that was squelched as a child because it just wasn’t tidy and proper and like everyone else. That persona is not in keeping with southern acceptance. Messiness just does not work well in that environment. And it can be a messy lot.

Somewhere back in the throes of childhood there must have been a moment in time when I felt connected and worthwhile. That I actually mattered to someone just the way I was. There must have been a time …..

Sifting through years of not so benevolent feelings toward myself it has come to my attention that my inner voice is horribly critical. Critical toward myself but oddly not toward anyone else. Absolute perfection is expected from me at all times. At what point did that inner voice begin to berate and condemn? When subconsciously I knew that gypsy soul would not be tolerated the fight to stuff that essence of my being into a recess so deep that she could not be found began……and continued for so long I lost her along the way. Forgot the dreamer of that soft creative soul. Forgot the outrageous abandoned laughter of that childlike heart. Until now …until now…

But surfacing she is now….and with a roaring vengeance!!! …and not everyone is or will be happy about it……

Here’s to us misfit square pegs in round holes who see the world and it’s colors a bit differently but oh so vividly that we want everyone to see what we see!!

So it IS what I’ve read in reality IS true…grief doesn’t change you it reveals you!!! Hmmmm and I believe I’m finally ok with this ☺️❤️