It Remains to be Seen….

How lovely it would be to have a zipper in my chest. To simply unzip and remove my heart for a while. On those moments and days when it feels as though it simply cannot survive any more pain…..Just pop it into a ziploc bag and place it in the freezer til it becomes frozen solid and numb to anything or anyone ever again. I’m not sure if anyone has ever actually died from a broken heart but in that moment, that feels as if it will surely explode, it’s hard to imagine it will keep beating…keep feeling…keep aching. How can it continue to function in this turmoil of life..my life..my insanely messy life!? It remains to be seen….

I believe the numb and cold iciness might just be a preferable solace at this juncture. Hopefully this heart anguish will pass and I will once again become stronger, more determined and far less caring. I’m quite tired of being told what a strong woman I am ….do you ever feel that… I’m strong enough now , thank you very much, I really prefer not to be one iota stronger than I already am?? So it is with me in this chaotic brain of mine sitting here writing to the universe about heart issues. The universe appears to have forgotten me down here. I’m not sure of those vibrations I read about but mine must be in some archaic dissonant chord. It’s just not connecting properly to produce a complete harmony.

Numbness..no feeling ..no longer caring.. it may sound cynical, and perhaps it is, but cynical is where I find myself today. I’m not sure I can ever trust my heart to another soul again. Vulnerability may be a great thing but it has become far far too painful to continue in its path. Naive might be a better choice of words. Yes naive and far too trusting with my once soft heart. A heart that has trusted words instead of carefully listening to the actions. Hearing , I love you, but not seeing the outward acts of being there and what love really is truly meant to be. It will indeed take some serious chiseling to get through the ice I now am starting to feel. Once the rawness of this wound starts to heal and scar with it goes the trust and naivety of that gentle loving soul. The gentleness, blind trust and caring far too deeply that once ruled it, will be gone and buried deeply in the abyss that for the past few years has clawed at my soul pulling it ever into its blackness. Maybe just maybe it will find less pain there. It remains to be seen…