Living or Existing

Breathing is taken for granted…..until you can’t!

Decisions are made at any given moment on this journey of life. Some quickly without a trace of thought and others painstakingly slow with utmost care. It seems that regardless of the thought put into them that there is just no guarantee than either process will turn out the way we had imagined they would. Which college to choose if any at all, what job to focus on, getting married, having children these are the larger more thought provoking decisions. To buy or rent a home, what car to drive, these are costly decisions but less daunting than the first ones. Vacation at the beach or mountains and can I afford either one? As you go down the list the decisions grow less complicated. Once the big ones are settled you’re home free and life is as smooth as possible for life anyway. Or is it?

Months and/or years trickle by and suddenly you stop and wonder at what point did my living suddenly become existing? When did the intake of air become so difficult? When did the laughter cease to be so often? Children leave home, jobs change, finances whether good or bad both affect our attitudes, marriages stop making sense. When did I lose myself in this shuffle and how do I get to who I am and where I fit any longer? It is these questions I struggle with when my lungs refuse to inflate because there just isn’t enough oxygen. Life has spit me out in a very arid place.

The deaths of my son, my mother and my dear brother in law have left huge irreparable holes in my heart and life. Those holes, while not defining me, have jarred my existence. Those losses have impacted every other part of my living. Perhaps those stressors created the cancer that was addressed mid winter. The marriage I once thought was secure has diminished and ended.

Decisions and choices I have made in my history haunt me to the point of near paralysis. But non of us are immune to life and it’s trials or victories whether from the control we have over our choices or what life has just dealt us. I daily remind myself to put one foot in front of the other. Choose life and not just existing. Life is far too short to continually allow past decisions to dictate the balance of what remains. To wallow in regretting the past I think is ok for a little while. To work through the pain and effect of poor choices is grueling. At the next breath though it’s time to rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and choose life again. Breathe in a fresh new air, turn our faces to the sun and move on. Move on to what I do not know but it’s to live once more breathing deeply. Choices will be weighed much more carefully because the last quarter of life is to be the best!!!

Come and grow old with me…the best is yet to be. Emerson